Begging for Forgiveness in Your PMDD Relationship

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The silent killer in many PMDD relationships isn't the condition itself—it's the toxic cycle of withheld forgiveness that follows emotional outbursts. When you've made mistakes during your luteal phase that you genuinely regret, the path forward should be apology, forgiveness, and healing. But what happens when your partner accepts your apology on the surface while continuing to weaponize your past mistakes against you?

This episode dives deep into the damaging pattern where one partner becomes stuck in perpetual "apology mode" while the other uses unforgiveness as a form of control. Dr. Rose draws from her own painful experiences and client work to illuminate how this power imbalance develops, sometimes unconsciously, creating a relationship where one person must constantly perform to earn back love that should be freely given.

The psychological toll is devastating—walking on eggshells, feeling perpetually guilty, losing self-respect, and developing codependency where your worth becomes tied to your partner's approval. Meanwhile, the partner withholding forgiveness avoids examining their own contributions to relationship problems while maintaining the upper hand. This creates a perfect storm for PMDD symptoms to worsen as unresolved hurts become triggers during future luteal phases.

True forgiveness isn't transactional or conditional on perfection. It's an acknowledgment of pain coupled with a genuine commitment to move forward without using past mistakes as ammunition. As Dr. Rose powerfully shares, "If I don't have to beg God for forgiveness, why am I begging man?" Breaking free from this cycle requires understanding that forgiveness is a choice to heal, not a tool for manipulation. Ready to transform your relationship from an emotional battleground into a healing partnership? This episode offers the insights and validation you've been searching for.

Transcript

Asking for Forgiveness in PMDD Relationships

Speaker 1 0:01

So today we're going to talk about asking for forgiveness in your PMDD relationship. When you have done something to your partner whether it's been in the luteal phase or any other phase of your cycle and you've asked your partner for forgiveness, you've regretted the actions that you took, you regretted the things that you said and you asked them for forgiveness. But it seems like every single time you get in a fight, every single time you get in an argument that they're bringing it back up as if they didn't forgive you, and you find yourself a little bit stuck because you're in this place where you cannot go back in time and you can't recreate a scenario where you didn't act like that, or recreate a scenario where you said the right words, or recreate a scenario where you were completely supportive, because what happens is, once you've had time to really calm down and think about the situation, once your emotions are regulated, you're looking at the situation completely different and you're probably like I could have handled that differently, like I didn't need to say those things that are below the belt, I didn't need to walk out on them while they were in the middle of pouring their heart out. I didn't. You know, there's so many things because you can replay it in your mind. And a lot of times when you're replaying it in your mind it is because you're in the realm of. You've asked for forgiveness. They haven't given it to you. You're not on the same page.

Speaker 1 1:17

The tension is thick in the relationship. There's so much stress you can't really move on until you get past the situation. But you're also in a place where you feel like there's nothing that you can do. You're feeling very hopeless and when you get to this place you might start to apologize excessively, meaning you're apologizing to your partner again and again and again for the same things. You argue and then they bring up one of the biggest things that you've done in your luteal phase. If you're the partner that suffers with premenstrual dysphoric disorder, they may take one of the most abusive things that you've done and said remember that time you threw something at me. Or remember that time you yelled and screamed at me and wished that I was dead. Or remember that time where you said that you didn't want to be with me. Or remember that time you said you wanted to get a divorce. Or remember that time that you said you wanted to break up.

Speaker 1 2:03

They go for that thing that you've done that has hurt them the most. And they keep bringing it up and you apologize again because sometimes you get to a point where you don't want to hear it. It sounds so awful, you feel so guilty, it causes you to kind of like, look at yourself in a bad light because you acted so out of character that you're almost pissed off that you have to keep hearing it. So you start to tell your partner, okay, okay, I understand what you said. Like I apologize, what more do you want me to do? And then they're just like, oh, forget it. Like you just forget it Because in their mind they haven't forgiven you.

Speaker 1 2:35

In their heart they haven't forgiven you, but they're putting you in this place to where they're actually consciously or subconsciously and I know this because I've seen my private clients do it, even on sessions, and I've had to get in the middle of this and mediate it a little bit, because what it is is, when they have no intention of forgiving you, meaning they want to hold a grudge. The ego loves to hold a grudge. When you've been hurt and you're in that place where you feel like you've accepted treatment that is less than what you deserve, the ego wants you to get that person back. That is that little, small voice inside of you that's telling you don't let them talk to you like that or no, you don't need to answer their phone call. Turn your location off or put your phone on, do not disturb. Or you see their text messages coming through, or you hear them crying on your voicemail, or you hear them so upset, leaving you text messages and all these things, and you're just refusing to acknowledge them because you want them to feel just as hurt as you felt in the moment. You have no remorse, you have no empathy for them, because you're thinking about how much they hurt you. You're thinking about how dare they come and ask me for forgiveness now or say that they're sorry now when they said that thing, or they weren't sorry when they did that thing.

The Power Imbalance of Unforgiveness

Speaker 1 3:50

And so, right now that the roles have switched, there's a power imbalance, meaning maybe they were the ones that did something nasty to you. They said something nasty to you, they and you were the one crying and you were the one upset and they didn't want to hear you and they didn't want to talk to you and they shut down. And now that they want to get back on the same page with you. They want the intimacy back, they want the connection back. They want you all to feel like you're in a relationship and not like your roommates or not just like you're walking on eggshells. They want you to be that loving couple again. So now they're willing to apologize because they know that that's their only way back in, to get you to be the way that you were before. But the problem is you're now in a place where you have the power, because you can't move on in the relationship until you feel validated, until you feel seen, until you feel heard, until you feel like they've paid for what they've done to you. And so you're in this place where your partner is begging you for forgiveness. It places them in the submissive role. They pretty much have to do whatever you say, until you decide to forgive them, because you may be stonewalling them, meaning you're not talking to them. And I'm not blaming you or shaming you. I know exactly what this looks like from myself, from my experiences, because I've done this, and then also for my private clients. It's very common in PMDD relationships and that's why I want you to really understand what it looks like, because you'll start to beg and it creates such a unhealthy dynamic because one person has to be the bad guy.

Speaker 1 5:19

I remember so many times in my relationships I have literally apologized for things that I know that I didn't do just to keep the peace, just to move forward, just to get us back on the same page. Especially if I knew that we were maybe going to an outing or we were going to be around family and friends, I literally would apologize and be like I'm so sorry, I did that, and they would be like eating it up like Gerber. They would be like, yeah, you shouldn't have done that. You know, kind of like rubbing it in my face and like, yeah, it's just, I felt like this and I felt like this and I it would be eating me up inside because I genuinely didn't feel like I did anything wrong. But not only were they, they like not fully accepting my apology, they kept like bringing it up and rubbing it in and saying how horrible I was to do this thing to them that I genuinely didn't feel like I had done.

Speaker 1 6:06

Like there's so many times where you're just going to see circumstances differently, you're going to see a circumstance one way and you can keep fighting and keep replaying the scenario again and again and again, because you're seeing it from the lens of your experience and your emotions and your feelings and your mood. And then they're seeing it from the same level of their emotions and their mood and how they felt. And those are two separate kinds of emotions. There's two separate ways to be offended by a situation where both of you are in one situation and you both have equally offended the other person, but one of you might even feel justified for doing something because they're like, oh well, they started it. It's like I would have never reacted in that way had they not said that thing to me, had they not triggered me by doing this, had they not done this thing that I've been asking them to stop doing, or had they not forgotten something that was so important to me. And then my reaction is what they keep bringing up, without them taking responsibility and thinking about what they did to cause me to have that reaction. So you're holding on to giving them forgiveness and they're holding on to giving you forgiveness because they feel like your reaction was way out of line and you feel like their action was way out of line. So you're never going to see eye to eye when you get stuck in this cycle and both of you are going to be in this power imbalance.

Speaker 1 7:17

I remember there was times where it was the same situation, but it's like me and my partner would switch. I would go to apologize and they'd be like, yeah, like they never forgave me or they weren't in a place to forgive me. They were just like it was a power play. It wasn't a partnership. It wasn't like oh, I really want to get back on the same page. I want us to feel connected. I want the intimacy back. I want us to be loving again. They didn't have any desire to do that because again, the ego feels good to hold that over your head. So you can pretty much do all of these loving things, do all of these nice things, and they're going to act like you're doing absolutely nothing.

Speaker 1 7:51

That was the part that can literally drive you crazy. If you know that you're doing your best to make up for it. If you know that you haven't talked to them crazy since that incident. If you know that you haven't mistreated them again. If you know that you have pretty much turned away from the things that have caused them pain and caused them to hurt and cause them to be offended. You know you, you haven't continuously done it, but they're treating you as if you're doing it every single day. They're giving you the cold shoulder, as if you literally done that action, like, say, you yelled at them and you curse them out or whatever. I always use that because hurtful words is a big trigger in PMDD relationships. They will literally treat you like you're calling them a piece of crap every single day of the week, even though you haven't done it in two weeks, even if the instance happened last month, and they're still bringing it up again and again and again.

Speaker 1 8:38

This is what I want you to understand and this is for both partners for the partner that has PMDD and the partner that doesn't. I don't think that you really understand what you're doing. I want to just put that out there because I know when I work with my private clients and I've really broken down and been a mirror to them as to the damage that not only that they're doing to the PMDD relationship, but they're doing to themselves and they're doing to their partner. A lot of times you can't see that, and that is the benefit of having private sessions with me is I can call out something that you are unintentionally doing to hurt your relationship, and it's not gonna come from a place of blaming you and shaming you and saying that you're the bad guy and you're the one that needs to do the work and all these things. It's a matter of if you know that you're doing something that's hurting the relationship and you want the relationship to be better and you want to stop suffering and you want to get the stress out of your relationship. I'm giving you the opportunity to turn away from doing this.

Speaker 1 9:33

One specific thing and this one specific thing that I see that's very common in PMDD relationships for the partner that has PMDD and the partner that doesn't is that you are withholding forgiveness, and that's actually a form of emotional manipulation. It is a form of you manipulating your partner. If you regularly refuse to forgive your partner for behavior during the luteal phase or even after they've apologized, they've explained it, you may be starting to use guilt to control or punish them. There is a small part of you that may be again, consciously or unconsciously, trying to punish your partner because you have accepted treatment that is less than what you deserve and the light bulb went off and you're like I'm better than this, I don't deserve this, I deserve to be treated better. So, instead of you forgiving them and moving forward in the relationship, you're withholding forgiveness, so you're not telling them this is something that you've done and I can't really get past it.

Emotional Manipulation Through Withheld Forgiveness

Speaker 1 10:35

This is not going to.

Speaker 1 10:36

This relationship is not going to work. You're staying in the relationship. This is why it's emotional manipulation because you have one foot out the door, because you're shutting down, because you're withholding intimacy and you're withholding connection. You're not willing to accept their apology. So that's what that looks like. That's one foot out the door, because you're one foot away from not being in a relationship. And then you have the other foot in the door, where you're still there. You're still showing up, maybe you're still, you know, having dinner, taking care of the kids. You're doing all the things that you would do in a relationship, except for the loving things.

Speaker 1 11:10

So it keeps you trapped in a cycle of shame. Your partner's gonna become desperate, desperate to earn your love back, and when this desperation comes, they're willing to do almost anything to get you to forgive them, because they may have come to the point where they know that they messed up. They know they did the wrong thing in the luteal phase or follicular phase, any of the phases. They know they didn't handle the situation the right way, so they're not denying it. They've gotten past the point of getting defensive and they're at the point where it's like you know what? I need to go ahead and apologize because they didn't deserve that. So they're willing to admit that they're wrong. So they're living with that guilt and shame of what they did. That's replaying in their mind again and again, and again, that they're remembering every single time they're trying to be intimate with you, every time they're trying to connect with you and you're reminding them of why you're not in a place of being intimate with them or connecting with them, and they'll literally try to earn your love back, earn it back by doing anything. And you can notice. You can notice that they're trying to earn it back and still not give it to them. You know, you know that they are really, really sorry that they're not going to do it again, but you almost feel like, uh, and I've been in this place before again, no shaming.

Speaker 1 12:23

I used to say I don't want to. I don't want to. What did I say?

Speaker 1 12:26

There was a way that I justified withholding intimacy when I was upset over the behavior that I was accepting from a partner and I would say I don't want to reward bad behavior. That was my justification. I was like they did something to me. They really, really hurt me. They knew they did it intentionally and, even though they're apologizing, I don't want to reward bad behavior by just forgiving them.

Speaker 1 12:48

Because my fear and I had to get to the bottom of that and really work through that. I counseled myself through that. I was like what is the reason why I'm not just freely giving them forgiveness, because I know that they're not perfect, they're never going to be perfect. What is it that I am doing when I'm holding back the forgiveness? Why can't I get over it? And my fear was that I was going to accept their apology, forgive them, and then they were just going to think that they could do it again. My fear was this was going to become a pattern and I really didn't want them to do it again.

Speaker 1 13:20

So my plan was to withhold connection, intimacy, validation, affection, attention all of those things long enough for them to feel the same amount of pain that I was feeling, without really recognizing I was emotionally manipulating them because it wasn't a situation where they were like they could break up with me and they could leave me, because what are you going to say? They're the ones that done something wrong, right? So, when you're in this place, I had to come to terms and you have to come to terms, and my private clients had to come to terms. This is emotional manipulation, and so you deserve accountability and compassion for what your partner has said and done to you. That's wrong, not punishment. Yes, you as a PMDD partner, as a PMDD sufferer, should be held accountable for your actions, but you should not be emotionally tortured for things that you've done within the relationship.

Speaker 1 14:11

Forgiveness shouldn't be conditional on perfection. If you never do anything to trigger me, then I'm going to forgive you. We are all human. We're not monthly villains that, as soon as the luteal phase comes, we're just looking to hurt each other. Remember PMDD is the enemy, not your partner. That's something that I used to say all the time, because you have to rewire your brain, because a lot of times you're looking at your partner and you're feeling like they're the enemy, when really it's PMDD, and not just for the partner that's suffering with premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Pmdd meaning that's the thing that keeps coming into your relationship every month and causing it to be hell, not your partner. You trying to navigate it can become hell, but it's not specifically your partner. And the next thing that happens when you start to have your partner beg for forgiveness, it teaches your partner to weaponize your vulnerabilities. This has happened to me and it is so hurtful because people who have manipulative tendencies pick up on this and what it does is they may start to figure out you know what Withholding forgiveness gives them leverage.

Speaker 1 15:16

I really want my partner to be loving. I want my partner to be affectionate. I want my partner to be intimate with me. I want my partner to do all these things and I know that if I haven't forgiven them, they're going to freely give me that. So I just want to see how much I can get out of them. I want to see how much they're going to be loving to me, how much they're going to be kind to me, how much they're going to be doing all these things, delaying or denying any kind of resolution after you have a fight, because it's going to keep them emotionally unstable, apologetic and overly accommodating, even outside of your PMDD window.

The Cycle of Begging and Rejection

Speaker 1 15:52

Once the partner picks up on this, like wow, this is easy, like basically, if during the luteal phase your partner shuts down, like I used to do, and they're like kind of like really stoic, really not emotional and all these things. They may pick up on the fact that when you have a fight, when you have an argument and they haven't been forgiven, they tend to be loving in their luteal phase. It's like a miracle, it's like, oh, my goodness. So they do have the ability to be loving in the luteal phase. They just have to be on the other side of needing me to forgive them in order for them to be loving.

Speaker 1 16:25

So you're weaponizing their vulnerabilities. You're waiting for them to do something. You're blowing it up. You're blowing it and I don't want to say out of proportion, because it could be something really hurtful, or you're blowing up something that they've done in the past and been like you know. This just reminds me of when you did this or when you said this to me, and now, all of a sudden, they're filled with shame and guilt and they literally give you whatever it is that you want, because they don't want to feel like the bad guy, they don't want to feel like a monster, they don't want to feel like a bad partner. So you're weaponizing because they get to this place of getting really vulnerable because you figured out wow, this is the only way that I really get what I want out of the relationship. And now I can get affection, I can get attention, I can get a validation in the luteal phase, where you previously thought my gosh, they don't have the ability to be loving in the luteal phase. And I will tell you that they have the ability to be loving in the luteal phase.

Speaker 1 17:18

I'm so sorry for everybody that really thinks that you can't be loving when you're in the luteal phase or when you're in PMDD. You do not have to settle for that. If you're the partner that has PMDD and the partner that doesn't, please don't think that that's normal. Is it harder? Do you have to use strategic tools? Do you have to do certain things to kind of turn it on, whereas in your follicular phase it's more natural? Absolutely. I'm not saying it's easy and it just comes natural and some people can and some people can't. But I have plenty of clients. I just had a client email me yesterday and said Dr Rose, since the sessions that we've had, I have two months having PMDD, having all my symptoms, and my marriage has been great. We've not fought, we've not argued. We've been on the same page. We've used the tools again and again and again.

Speaker 1 18:11

And so they're grateful because they thought that they didn't have the ability to be loving in their luteal phase. Because that's the lie of PMDD. Pmdd wants to tell you that you're this stoic monster that can't be loving, like even when you. You know that feeling that you get when you're in PMDD, where you want to be loving but you just can't allow yourself to do it. That is the most torturous feeling, when you're feeling like, or you're telling yourself cognitively just be loving, just be loving, but then emotionally you're not there. It's like a blank, there's nothing there to give. And you think that because there's nothing there to give, that you can't be loving towards your partner. And then you feel even guilty about it because you know it's something that you're supposed to do. But then you're in your luteal phase and you feel like but I can't do it. And so the next thing that happens when you start to get in this place where one of you are begging for forgiveness, it delays you getting over the fight and the argument Begging keeps the focus on appeasing your partner's ego.

Speaker 1 19:11

Remember, the ego is the thing that is eating this up, like Gerber I call it. It's like stopping it up, like, yeah, apologize, yeah, tell me how horrible you are. Yeah, yeah, because they're dragging it out. You start saying that you're sorry, I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings, and they're like, yeah, I really did hurt my feelings, like I really didn't deserve that. You know, I can't believe that you would talk to me like that, like this is your way of how you feel, like you're processing what your partner did.

Speaker 1 19:37

Instead of having a private session with me and actually processing the hurt, the trauma, the pain and we can process it and get rid of it, you're choosing to breadcrumb your pain to your partner, little by little, day by day, month by month, year by year, and the cycle is going to continue, that you're going to be talking about that same instance for a very long time. If you never process it, if you never get over it, if you never truly forgive your partner, if you never truly accept their apology, if you never get to a point where you like forgive yourself, you're going to be talking about the same situation again and again and again, and it's going to keep you. It's going to have you look at your partner and not really want to be with them because you're going to be consistently thinking about this thing that they did. It's going to be hanging over their head, like, even when you have moments where you're feeling really loving and you're kind of leaning in, then you're going to feel disgusted because you're going to remember that they talked to you like a piece of crap and it's going to ruin everything because you haven't fully healed that traumatic event. You haven't fully healed that traumatic comment. Solve the real issues, which may be managing your PMDD triggers, managing how you communicate, rebuilding trust after trust has been broken, where they've said that they weren't gonna cross the line. You created a boundary. They crossed the boundary again and again and again. But without you starting to work on that, you will 100% be in the situation where you're consistently apologizing for things that you're not even presently doing, which feels really weird because you're trying to move forward.

Speaker 1 21:14

And I know I've had a lot of partners that don't like to talk about the situation after it's happened. It's like it's done, yeah, and I'd be like, yeah, but it's just the thing that you said it's done. So I've had both. I've had partners that don't want to talk about it and they get really pissed off when I try to recreate the scenario that happened, that was so hurtful and what specifically hurt me and what should have been done and what I didn't appreciate and what I would have appreciated and all those things that would have helped me process it. And I've had partners that have completely shut that down and been like I don't want to talk about it, basically. And then I've had ones that want to excessively talk about it, like bring up the text message. You bring up the text message, let's talk about this and what about this and what about this. And I videotaped this and I got like it's like a sci-fi movie.

Breaking Free From Codependency

Speaker 1 22:02

You got all this documentation, you got this mystery thing going on and it's like what is the point? What is the point If we're never going to resolve it? What are we doing? You're not happy, I'm not happy. It's just going to be like Groundhog Day. We're just waking up every day going through the same thing and guess what PMDD is like? It's clapping its hands because it's like you're just giving me more and more ammunition to use when it becomes the luteal phase. More and more ammunition to use because everything that you don't forgive, pmdd will use to cause you stress in your relationship Everything that you don't forgive for your partner, pmdd is going to use it. It's going to become a trigger. You're going to get criticized, they're going to get defensive. You're going to end up in that loop and it really does, you know, create a toxic cycle of people pleasing, which I am.

Speaker 1 22:50

I was working with my people, my whole entourage of psychologists and coaches and all the things, and one of the things that they brought up was people pleasing and they're like yeah, you're, you're a people pleaser. And I was like what you know, you're a people pleaser. And I was like what you know, I'm all about calling someone out, like, if, just tell me what I am, but that that was. That was very shocking for me. And I do this. I hire people because I can't see that in myself. I don't see that in myself. Do I like to please people? Yes, would I call myself a people pleaser? No, but now, knowing what I've been told, you know, they kind of like lay it all out and give you specific examples, like, well, you told me you did this and this is a such a.

Speaker 1 23:33

And then it's like okay, and this is why even you know me, I have to go get some help with seeing inside of me and who I am and my patterns and things, so that I know how to get out of toxic cycles that create toxic results that I don't want to continue in my life. And so when you're stuck in apology mode, you're going to start overcompensating, over-apologizing, over-giving, over-being, loving, over over explaining, just to feel worthy of love again. You know what this does it opens the door to codependency, because now I only feel good about myself if you tell me that I'm a good person. If you tell me I'm a good person, then I feel like I'm a good person. That is the most horrible mindset to have. I've had it before and it's so crippling because they have all the power and I'll do a whole nother episode on that, on codependency. They have all the power.

Speaker 1 24:31

One day they can call you the love of their life and you feel so calm, your nervous system is so calm and you're like oh, finally they see my worth, they see my value, they love me, they're approving of me, they think I'm worth it. And the next day they could be like oh, you never do anything for me, you're a piece of crap, and blah, blah, blah. And I don't even know why I put up with you and I don't even know why I'm in this relationship and I, you know nobody else would be putting up with this. Nobody else would be putting up with you and all this other things.

Speaker 1 24:58

Feeling really safe to feeling really unsafe, and then you get burnt out and then there comes the emotional exhaustion. You're emotionally exhausted because your worth is hanging on the dependency of your partner forgiving you, giving you permission to take the bricks out of your backpack, like I talked about before, take the weight off of you. It feels really heavy to be carrying around the shame and guilt of something that you've done. That you know, when you acted out of character, that's a tough one. It's one thing if you've done something to your partner and you feel like, okay, it was a mistake or they deserved it or it wasn't that bad, but when you feel like they didn't even do anything to deserve it, like I should have really been able to manage my emotions better, you know you're kind of like waving the white flag. That's really heavy to carry around.

Speaker 1 25:57

And so what happens is you're thinking about what you did and if you're in your luteal phase, you're already feeling horrible about yourself. You're already feeling low. Your self-esteem is low, your self-worth is low. You start to take the burden of all the issues in your relationship. So it prevents your partner from taking ownership of any of the reasons why you're struggling in your relationship. Pmdd isn't the only issue in your relationship. How you acted in your luteal phase isn't the only issue in your relationship.

Speaker 1 26:27

But when you're always apologizing, your partner can avoid looking at their own toxic traits. Looking at you know how they can't communicate or ways that they trigger you. Your partner will not start working on themselves as long as they feel like you still need to work on yourself, because then they can. Just they put the point, the finger at you and it blocks mutual accountability, which is huge in PMDD relationships, and it blocks growth. You can't grow, you can't move forward If everything's always one person's fault, if it's always your fault. And then they're like, yeah, because you know you have the pattern of doing this and you know you did this before. It's like you can apologize for one thing and your partner can take it and run with it. It's like, oh, they apologize for this. Yeah, they're adding their stuff in there. Yeah, it's like that time where you did this and then the next thing you know you're going to be like me, so you're just like sure I'll be the bad guy. So many times I did that and you know what happened. I'll do another episode on this.

Speaker 1 27:38

My self-respect was so low when I did this, when I was begging for forgiveness, I couldn't move forward. I couldn't. I had no safe space to heal from what I actually done. If every time I did something I felt like I had to be perfect, I was always on edge, walking on eggshells. I walked on eggshells. My partners walked on eggshells. I walked on eggshells because I was fearing rejection for something that I couldn't. Always Before I really had the tools to feel like I can control my emotions.

Speaker 1 28:04

In PMDD, I was just like man. I was dreading PMDD and if you follow me on Instagram you know you can even scroll back. It's all there. I was like every day. I was like day one of PMDD, day one of my ovulation phase. I was doing the countdown because I dreaded doing something in my luteal phase that was going to cause my partner to tell me that I'm a bad person and then, all of a sudden, I would be back to begging again.

Speaker 1 28:31

Begging made me bitter. Begging will make you bitter, because you'll be so bitter that you're in this place where you're feeling less than the relationship is not going to feel good because of that power imbalance. You're going to be so bitter that your dynamic in the relationship is this weak worm of the dust that's always crawling back to your partner and begging them and looking at them and pretty much being vulnerable with them. And they're just sitting there. They can be like looking at you, like yeah, you messed up, or yeah, you're a piece of crap, or yeah, you said. Like they don't even have to be saying anything, but they just, they're just giving the vibe of like I don't know what to tell you. I don't, I don't know what to tell you.

True Forgiveness vs. Emotional Manipulation

Speaker 1 29:12

Forgiveness should be an act of love, not a control tactic. If you're in a PMDD relationship, you need to learn how to forgive. If you need help with that, contact me. We can work on that. It's a very, it's a distinct process that you can use again and again and again. But if you don't know how to do it, if you don't know how to do it the right way to where your partner feels forgiven and you're actually getting over the issues in your relationship so you don't have to keep talking about them again and again and again. You're going to stay in that cycle. But real forgiveness is literally saying I'm validating you, I see your pain, I see your effort and I'm still here.

Speaker 1 29:47

If your partner holds forgiveness hostage to punish you, it's a sign of emotional immaturity or manipulation. Again, they can be doing this consciously or subconsciously, meaning they could be doing it on purpose, or they could be doing that on purpose because they're getting something out of it. If they're not forgiving you, they're getting something out of it because they want peace in the relationship too. So if they're withholding it, they're either loving the fact that you're crawling towards them and being like oh, please, please, please, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me.

Speaker 1 30:18

And then they might you know what they're going to start to do when this cycle has gotten like it's gone too far. They're going to start making you prove yourself to them. You're not going to do that. You're not going to do that to me again. You're not going to say that to me again. Okay, prove it. When, in reality, how are they supposed to prove it? Like, only time will tell how they're going to treat you moving forward. But you're like well, I'm not willing to open myself up to you until you prove it to me. So then they're like okay, I'll do this to prove it. What do you want me to do? I don't know. This is again. This is the emotional manipulation. I don't know. You just think of something and then I'll tell you if it's good enough. That's basically what they say I don't know. So then you go and you do all of these grandiose things. You may go to gift giving. Whatever their love language is, you may go to gift giving.

Speaker 1 31:09

Here's another thing they can even be intimate with you and still not forgive you. You may be like oh my gosh, we were just intimate, it was so amazing, I felt so connected. They must've forgiven me, like we're good. And then they still bring it up here's. Here's the thing with that and I and I had to recognize this when I one day I just stopped begging because I said you know what I really thought about it?

Speaker 1 31:36

Because I had, I was humiliating myself. I felt I felt low my self-worth with felt. I felt so low begging because I'm like dang, was it that bad? Am I that bad? Like you know, you start to question I'm literally apologizing, I'm taking accountability why they don't want to be with me. That bad Like, is it that bad to be with me that they're not willing to forgive me so we can move on? Then I literally got to the point where I was just like you know what? Okay. Then I literally got to the point where I was just like you know what? Okay, you're not going to forgive me, because if someone's going to forgive you your partner, if they're going to forgive you, they're going to forgive you. There should be no amount of tricks that you have to perform in order to get forgiveness. Now I'm going to tell you how I came to this realization.

Speaker 1 32:22

Regardless of what or who you believe in, I believe in God. If you know me, if you're my private client, if you're my friend, if you know me, you know I believe in God and not in a sense of like God, the universe of like. That's a trigger for me when you'd like put it all over there. Regardless of what you believe in, my relationship with God is if I apologize, I am forgiven. So that's what I really thought about one day. I was leaving church and I was like wait a minute, I'm begging this man, begging him doing things, showing him proving things, months, burning myself out, feeling like I'm worth nothing because he's not forgiving me. And I said if I don't have to beg God for forgiveness, why am I begging man? When I came to that realization, everything for me changed. Everything for me changed Because I said, at any point, I was making that person my idol and I was putting them above God and saying like, oh, whatever you want me to do, whatever you want me to do, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 33:29

When, if I really repented, repented and said, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, god, I didn't, you know, I shouldn't have done that, or whatever, however you say it, like I have a relationship with God I'm not like super, like formal with it. Like we have a relationship. So I can literally go to him with anything and if I feel like I really done something wrong and I feel really convicted like I shouldn't have done that, I go ask for forgiveness, I move on and I move on as if I'm forgiven. And literally the moments of me asking for forgiveness are very frequent, because I'm very like, I hold myself accountable, I'm very self-aware. So, like, if I feel like I mistreated somebody or I did this, I'm going to apologize to the person. I'm going to apologize to God and I'm going to move on.

Speaker 1 34:12

But what I noticed is I literally had the mindset If God forgave me, I'm good, I'm not going to be over here doing circus tricks and you're still not going to forgive me. Like I told you, they could sleep with you and still not forgive you. You could write them letters, you could burn yourself out, you could literally be serving them dinner and be in the same house and doing all these things and walking on eggshells and if they're not going to forgive you, they're not going to forgive you. And a lot of times, like I said, it could be conscious or subconscious. They may want to forgive you, but if they're not there, you're going to have to wait until they process it and they get there.

Speaker 1 34:48

I've had a lot of partners come to me where they're like Dr Rose I know that you know my partner who suffers with PMDD. They want to move on because now they're feeling good, they're in their follicular phase and, to be honest, I'm just not there and I help them process it so that they can enjoy the follicular phase, the luteal phase, all the phases, and they can let it go. Not, oh, I'm just going to hold on to this because I feel better about myself and I feel better about the things that I've said and done to you. Because of what you've said and done to me, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Stop Begging for What's Freely Given

Speaker 1 35:25

Begging for forgiveness is a scam. I don't do it anymore. I don't advise that you do it. I just told you all the reasons why it creates a very toxic dynamic in your PMDD relationship. If you cannot, with a pure heart, meaning you really mean it, go to your partner and say babe, honey, sweetie, my love, whatever you call them, and say I know what I did, and then explain what you did. I know how it hurt you, I know that you didn't deserve that and I know that I could have handled the situation differently. And, moving forward, I'm going to do my best to not have this happen again because I don't want to see you hurt and I'm sorry that I took part in you being hurt. Like I'm sorry, that's an apology.

Speaker 1 36:18

And if they're just like meh or like okay or thank you, now I will say, when you are apologizing and you're asking for forgiveness, ask, don't beg, remember, but don't overdo it, like, basically, if you ask them for forgiveness and they're still showing you that they're not there, don't? It's a very fine line If you, if they, if you're waiting for them to take accountability for what they did immediately after you took accountability for what you did, that may not happen. So what I've actually seen happen when it comes to these apologies is you go to apologize to your partner for the purpose of having them apologize to you. So you say yeah, babe, I'm sorry that I did that. That was really messed up, like I should have handled it differently. Blah, blah, blah. And then they say it's okay, I forgive you. And then you're like blink, blink. And then you're like well, is there anything that you want to apologize for? And then they get defensive and you're like what you mean? And it's like yeah, well, I really wouldn't have done this had you not done this.

Speaker 1 37:16

This is when you get in a cycle where you go to apologize and it goes wrong. You can literally go to your partner to ask for forgiveness and get forgiven and then end up back in a situation that you're going to need forgiveness for again, because you end up back in another fight, another argument, because you try to get an apology out of someone just because you apologize to them. Wait until your partner is ready to apologize and they can reflect on it. A lot of times this happens on its own. It doesn't happen by you prompting them to apologize to you right after you apologize to them, because then it's a transactional thing. It's like oh, here's my apology, oh, you're gonna give me my apology back. Okay, then we're good.

Speaker 1 37:54

Forgiveness is not transactional. You're forgiving because you genuinely feel bad about something that you've done and you wanna reconcile and that comes one-sided. They have to come to terms with that. Like I said, they may come to some sessions with me and heal. I may show them some things and say hey, well, I know that you came because you had problems with your partner doing this and this and this, but I also see that you contributed in this way. And then they're like oh well, I see what you mean.

Speaker 1 38:23

It literally is so much better coming from me and I'm not just saying that, I've seen it. I've literally seen it on private sessions where I've worked with a partner or the one that's suffering with PMDD and I've been the one to say shed some light on. Hey, this is how they're probably feeling, like this, because of this, this and this, and your partner, or you are more receptive hearing it from me than you are hearing it from your partner. You don't get defensive with me, but you will get defensive with your partner. This is why you need to be in counseling. This is why you need to be talking about these situations as they're occurring, to not build up to where you're in that cycle of consistently begging for forgiveness.

Speaker 1 39:05

So, again, like I always say, if this is something that you know that you need help with we just got into the month of June I do have some sessions left over monthly, or if you just want a one-on-one session, just one of them, that's fine too. If you just have a specific issue that you want to work through, go to the link in the show notes. You can email me, rose, at inlovewithpmddcom, or you can always find me on Instagram, drrose, underscore inlovewithpmdd, or my TikTok. Everything is in the show notes and until next time we got this, I love you.