Are You Attracting What You Reject in PMDD Relationships?

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Have you ever found yourself desperately asking your partner for more attention, more affection, more validation—yet somehow still feeling unfulfilled? The disconnect might not be what they're giving, but whether you're truly open to receiving it.

This episode dives into a transformative question that has helped countless PMDD relationships: Are you the version of yourself who would receive what you're asking for? Through the powerful story of Sarah and Jason, we discover how both partners—whether experiencing PMDD or loving someone who does—can unconsciously reject the very connection they crave.

When Sarah begged for comfort but pushed Jason away each time he tried to provide it, she didn't realize her unhealed triggers were sabotaging her deepest desires. Similarly, Jason's fear of getting hurt caused him to emotionally withdraw during the good days, preventing him from receiving the respect and peace he wanted. Their story mirrors what happens in so many relationships affected by PMDD.

We explore the subtle ways we block love: saying we want safety but creating chaos, craving validation but dismissing compliments, desiring attention but remaining emotionally unavailable. For those with PMDD, managing symptoms often becomes an excuse to neglect your partner's consistent needs throughout your cycle. For partners, withholding affection during difficult phases creates the very distance you complain about.

Most profoundly, we examine how true intimacy requires emotional openness first. Physical connection without emotional vulnerability creates empty encounters that leave both partners feeling more disconnected than before. By owning your triggers rather than blaming your partner for them, practicing patience with the healing process, and consistently showing up even when it's difficult, you can become worthy of receiving everything you've been asking for.

Ready to transform your PMDD relationship? For the month of July, take advantage of special pricing on my relationship counseling packages using code FREEDOM at inlovewithpmdd.com and begin the journey toward becoming the person who can truly receive the love you desire.

Transcript

The Powerful Relationship Question

Speaker 1 0:01

Today I'm going to ask you a very important question that is really going to help you in your PMDD relationship, and that is are you the version of yourself who would receive what you're asking for from your PMDD partner? Have you ever asked your PMDD partner for more attention, more affection, more validation, more love? And you still feel like you're not getting it. So today's episode is really going to challenge you with that powerful question Are you the version of yourself who would receive what you're asking for? So let me tell you about a couple that I worked with, sarah and Jason. Sarah has PMDD, she has premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and she came into our session completely heartbroken, completely got permission to share her story with her and Jason today to really help you. But she was saying all I want is for Jason to hold me and tell me everything's gonna be okay. But when Jason tried to give her that affection, that attention, that attention, that validation, she pushed him away. She snapped at him, she criticized him for the things that he did, she blamed him for the things that he didn't do, and then she blamed him for being distant. She didn't realize that her unhealed triggers from things that had happened, traumatic things that had happened in their relationship were rejecting the very thing that she was craving. She was craving attention, affection and validation, but when Jason went to give it to her, she was consistently pushing it away. And so Jason, her partner, who does not have PMDD he brought his own baggage into the relationship. He kept saying I just want peace, I just want to feel respected, I just want respect, I just want to feel appreciated. But when Sarah was calm, when she was loving, when she was available during her follicular phase, he was emotionally distant, waiting for the next storm that would happen in the luteal phase, instead of being present when she was in her follicular phase and able to give him the things that he was actually desiring. His fear of getting hurt again made him emotionally unavailable during the good days too, during the follicular days.

Speaker 1 2:21

So in today's episode, we're really going to unpack how both partners whether you have PMDD or not can unintentionally, subconsciously block the very connection that they crave. So let's talk about how to become the version of yourself who can actually receive the love, the affection, the attention and validation that you are actually craving within your PMDD relationship. And the first thing that I want you to really focus on is the signs. Remember, I'm always trying to bring awareness to the things that are happening in your PMDD relationship that are stopping you from getting the things that you want, and so I'm going to talk to you today about some ways that you may be asking your partner for certain things, but you're not in a place to receive them.

Sarah and Jason's Relationship Struggle

Speaker 1 3:08

So the first way is that you say that you want safety in your PMDD relationship. You say you want to feel seen. You want to feel safe, but do you create safety within yourself? So if you've ever took notes on episodes, this one would be a really good one, because it's really going to be very reflective of some of the things that I work with my clients. What I have them do is answering these questions. You say you want to feel safe in your relationship. You say you want to feel seen, but do you create that safety For the partner who has premenstrual dysphoric disorder? Are you expressing your emotions in a way that your partner can stay with you emotionally or are you pushing them away? When you go into the fight mode or when you go into the freeze mode, are you getting into that place where you're shutting down, or are you staying open to your partner while you're in your luteal phase. You're in your luteal phase and for the partner that doesn't have PMDD, are you reacting with control of your emotions or fear that your partner is going to go off on PMDD rage, or are you offering a calm presence? A lot of times, you really have to ask yourself this question because you're saying you want to feel safe, you don't want to feel on edge, you don't want to feel this fear, but what kind of environment are you setting for your partner to get into in order for you to receive the thing that you're asking? And so the next thing is you're saying that you want to feel seen, but are you willing to be vulnerable? You want your partner to get you. You want your partner to see you.

Speaker 1 4:41

So, for the partner that has PNDDD, are you hiding behind anger and past traumatic events that have happened, or are you shutting down when your partner tries to be vulnerable and open with you about things that have happened in the relationship, or are you letting your partner in to the pain and fear that you may be feeling? Vulnerability looks like. I'm really scared that we're going to have a fight like we had last month, and I don't want to. I don't want to go there. I don't want to talk to you the way I talk to you. I don't want you to talk to me the way that you talk to me. I don't want any of that to happen again. I just want to have a really good month with you. That's vulnerability Shutting down and having anger is not talking about it, and then your partner noticing that you feel off and they're saying what's wrong and you're like I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Speaker 1 5:29

You're consistently shutting down instead of being really open about the fear that you may be feeling. And for the partner that doesn't have PMDD, are you truly curious about who your partner is beyond their premenstrual dysphoric disorder symptoms, or are you only reacting to the surface? Are you saying that everything has to do with PMDD? Are you really curious to say is this the issue that you really have with me? You know, is this something that you really feel I need to work on, or are you blaming everything on PMDD? Vulnerability would say I know I'm not perfect, I know I don't handle everything perfectly in this relationship and if there's something that I need to work on, I'm open to you letting me know what that is. I want to be better in this relationship and if there's something that I can do, please let me know. That means that you're open and you're vulnerable and you're not just blaming everything on PMDD, because that's a cop-out.

Blocking Love: Craving vs. Receiving

Speaker 1 6:23

So the next thing is you're craving attention and affection, but I'm asking you are you pushing it away when it's offered to you? But for the partner that has PMDD, do you get defensive or reject closeness when you're in PMDD and then later resent the distance? Later on you're saying, oh, we never hold hands or we're never cuddling, or we're never that. But then when you get into the bed and your partner tries to cuddle with you, you say you're too hot, you say you're too tired. You have all of these excuses as to why you're not affectionate. Do you not have affection in your relationship? Because when it's offered, you reject it, and then your partner has gotten so tired of trying to come on to you, of trying to initiate affection because they're always getting rejected, that now they're just not doing it anymore. If your partner is not initiating any sign of affection, could it be because they've been rejected so many times?

Speaker 1 7:18

And for the partner that doesn't have PMDD, are you withholding affection as a sign of punishment for past behavior. Maybe they talked to you crazy when they went off on PMDD rage and now they're trying to be affectionate and you're withholding it and you're not giving a consistent expression of love. You're not consistently being affectionate towards them because you're still thinking about how they talked to you in the luteal phase and all of the things that they said to you that you really haven't gotten over and you really haven't processed. But then when you look back on it, you're like oh, there's no affection in our relationship, there's no intimacy. Could it be that there's no intimacy because when it was offered to you, you rejected it because of something that you didn't process in the past?

Speaker 1 7:57

Ask yourself these questions, because a lot of times when you ask yourself this, you may be thinking that you have a problem with your partner, but it's really a problem with what you're willing to receive. So you say that you want validation, but are you open to it? You say that you want your partner to validate you compliment, you give you words of affirmation, but as soon as they say nice things about you, you say, oh, you don't mean that or you're just saying that because you want to get on my good side. You want your partner to say nice things to you, but when they do, you don't believe them. You push them away. You tell them that they're lying. You tell them that they're just saying that.

Speaker 1 8:46

And for the partner that doesn't have PMDD, are you offering real-time reassurance or are you waiting until they're better in order to express appreciation for what it is that they're doing? Are you being grateful for the things that they're doing in their luteal phase or are you just waiting for them to get into their follicular phase and doing everything that you want them to do in order to express any kind of validation? Like, are you noticing that they're doing things but you're just not telling them? But you're saying that you want validation and you're saying that you're giving validation.

Speaker 1 9:08

But at what point are you giving validation? Are you open to it? Are you open to giving and receiving validation regardless of the state of the cycle that they're in? Are you saying I'm going to give them validation when they're in the follicular phase and everything's going great, but then everything that they're doing in their luteal phase you're not showing any kind of validation or appreciation towards, but you're just expecting that they do it. Maybe they make your meals, maybe they take your kids to school, maybe they clean up around the house All of these things that you're not validating but as soon as they do things in their follicular phase and you're starting to reward that, but you're not noticing what they're doing in those times where it's harder for them. Maybe they're not doing it to the level that you think that they should be doing, but you're not validating them in the small things. You're only waiting until they're in their good days and everything's going great in order to validate them. So maybe you're really craving attention. You've been feeling a lot of rejection, sensitivity and you're craving attention, but do you give attention too?

Speaker 1 10:13

Ask yourself that Are you so consumed with survival during PMDD, during your luteal phase, that you forget that your partner exists too? When you are suffering with your premenstrual dysphoric disorder symptoms, are you thinking about how that's impacting your partner or what your partner is going through or what your partner needs? Your partner's needs do not go away just because you're in your luteal phase and your needs are more during that time. They have the same needs all month long. A lot of times, the partners who don't have PMDD. They don't have this fluctuating need for affection, attention, validation. They need it all month long. They need attention, affection, validation all month long. But are you so consumed with what you're doing to survive in PMDD that you're not even looking back and seeing what you can do for your partner?

Speaker 1 11:04

Maybe it's not to the same level that you can do in your follicular phase, but are you just dropping the ball and doing nothing and using the excuse of saying, oh, but you know that I'm in PMDD, you know that I'm separate? If your partner had a flu, if your partner had the cold, if your partner had COVID, if your partner had any other thing going on with them, and they came to me and they said, oh, my partner's not showing me any attention, affection validation, I wouldn't say, oh, they should just understand, because you're sick. It doesn't work like that. Your partner's needs still exist. You don't stop feeding your kids just because you're sick. If you can muster up enough energy to feed your children, then you can muster up enough energy to give your partner a hug, a kiss, give them some kind of affection, attention validation.

Speaker 1 11:48

A lot of times the thing that you have to do for your partner is way less than you have to do for work. It's way less than you have to do for your kids, but you're choosing not to do it and you're thinking that they should be okay with it because they're an adult. They're a fully functioning adult, but they're a fully functioning adult that's in an intimate relationship that can only get intimacy from you. You are their only source for intimacy. So if you are denying them that just because you're not feeling well, then that means you're taking out half of their existence within the relationship and saying for half of the time I'm gonna be affectionate, for half of the time I'm gonna give you attention, for half of the time I'm gonna give you validation, and you're expecting them to sign up for that.

Creating Safety and Vulnerability

Speaker 1 12:29

If you went to work every single day and your boss told you I'm going to pay you for half of the day, you would quit the job. If you literally worked eight hours and your boss said, hey, I'm just going to pay you for four. I can only afford to pay you for four, but I want you to work the full eight, you would say that doesn't make any sense. Why would I come work for you for eight hours and only get paid for half? That's what you're doing to your partner when you're starving them of affection, attention, validation for half of the month, while you're suffering with premenstrual dysphoric disorder symptoms and I know that can sound a bit harsh because you're saying, dr Rose, I don't have the energy. Listen, listen, I'm not saying to you that it is going to be easy to like.

Speaker 1 13:10

It is in your follicular phase. Absolutely, it's easy in your follicular phase. When you're feeling good, it's easy to make them feel good. But what do you do if you have a child, if you have a dog, if you have a job, if you have any level of adult responsibility, when you're in your luteal phase? It is not easier, but it is possible. That's what I want you to understand when it comes to giving your partner the things that they need while you're in your luteal phase. It is not easier, but it is possible.

Speaker 1 13:42

Stop letting go of the possibility of giving your partner attention, affection, love and validation because it's harder for you, because you may not feel like it. Guess what, when you get into your follicular phase and you're feeling great, they may not feel like it. And you know why they may not feel like it because they've been starved of it for two weeks while you've been in your luteal phase. So when you're expecting them to just snap out of it and you're saying, oh, I wonder why they're not being affectionate with me. I wonder why they're not receiving all of these good vibes that I'm giving to them. Because you've starved them for two weeks, because they're not going to be wagging their tail like a happy dog when you literally starve them for two weeks out of the month of everything You've shut down. You've completely shut down, and then, when you feel good, you're like, oh, I'm ready for you.

Speaker 1 14:27

Now you need to program within yourself, within your PMDD brain, what am I able to give my partner during the luteal phase? This is what I work with my private clients with. It's not overwhelming, it's not stressful, but it's very strategic. It's easier for your cognitive brain to go on autopilot and do the things that your partner specifically wants and needs, not things that you feel like you want to do. This is a matter of understanding your partner, studying your partner and saying what is their love language? What do they like for me to do? What do they don't like for me to do? And I know the ego is like why should I have to do that?

Speaker 1 15:02

I'm the one suffering in PMDD Because you are in an intimate relationship. Because you are in an intimate relationship, you have responsibilities to your partner, whether you have premenstrual dysphoric disorder or not, and I think that that's a misconception because you're suffering that all of a sudden, you don't have responsibility to your partners in meeting their needs. You do. You absolutely have a responsibility to your partner, regardless of the fact that you have premenstrual dysphoric disorder. So if you are in this phase of your cycle and you're like I'm just trying to work on myself, I'm trying to manage my PMDD symptoms, you better be plugging your partner into managing your PMDD symptoms, because if you're connected to another human being that you're not plugging into your coping mechanisms, it's going to make everything that you're doing worthless. You're never going to have peace in PMDD if you don't have peace with your partner. I'm going to repeat that you are never going to have peace in PMDD if you do not have peace with your partner.

Speaker 1 15:58

So all of these things that you're trying to do on the side to manage your PMDD symptoms better, to manage your emotions, to not go off on PMDD range, to not react to your triggers like that all of these things, if you're not adding your partner into that, what are you doing? You're still in a relationship. You can push them to the side and say you need to work on this and you need to work on that. Everything that the both of you are doing to work on your own personal development needs to be collaborated, because you are together. You are an entity. You are not one person here and one person there. You're a couple. You are a couple and you are in an intimate relationship. So anything that you're doing to work on yourself needs to be collaborated with your partner.

Speaker 1 16:40

Hey, I'm thinking about doing this. I'm thinking of changing this up. I'm thinking about adding this you know part of my morning routine, my evening routine, my daily routine. What do you think about that? How is that going to impact you? You know I always talk about my PMDD partner's morning routine and every single time that I invite someone into my life that I have, I have to manage what that's going to look like for the partner or the person that I'm with at that time that I'm sharing my space with. I can't just say this is what I do during my morning routine and that's it. I have to check in because I'm making the conscious choice to be connected to someone else. It's not all about me. Pmdd is not my fault, but it's my responsibility to manage. And if I'm adding someone into the equation of being in my life, then you better believe that they need to be intertwined and be knowledgeable about what I'm doing, not just I'm doing this and you just need to deal with it. Hey, this is what I do for my morning routine. I always talk about this, even when I'm dating. This is what my morning routine looks like.

Speaker 1 17:38

Do you have a morning routine? You don't have a morning routine? Okay, this is what I'm going to do during this time. How does that impact you? How do you feel about that? And not just having the conversation seeing, over the course of days, weeks, months, I'm doing my morning routine. How is it impacting them? Because if it's not working for them, it's not working for me because I'm choosing to be with them.

Speaker 1 17:58

It's not all about me. Let go of the ego. The ego is like you're suffering. Whatever you need to do, it needs to be good with them. No, they're a completely different person with completely different needs and maybe, like I've told you before, I've had partners in the past that want a lot of attention, affection, validation first thing in the morning, and I'm in a place where I need to pour into myself first thing in the morning.

Speaker 1 18:19

So what did I end up doing? Waking up earlier to pour into myself so that when they woke up and they were ready to connect, that I was able to do that for them, just like I would with my children. I have one child, but I've had stepkids. But that's what I mean. If I ever dated someone and they had a child and their child woke up really early during the time that I had my morning routine, I would wake up earlier to get my morning routine done and be there for the kid because I'm choosing to invite them into my life. So if you're feeling like you could just do whatever you want to do and not take the other person into consideration, you should be single. You should, because you're not willing to consider another person, and you should not have a child or a dog or any other thing that's going to be dependent on you, because it's not all about you when you have premenstrual dysphoric disorder. But the ego is very high and I'm saying this and I have premenstrual dysphoric disorder. I've had it for over 19 years and I have to consistently battle with this because the ego when you have PMDD is very prevalent.

Speaker 1 19:18

Because of the depths of suffering that we go through, there's a level of entitlement that we can experience. Because we suffer so much, we feel like we deserve so much. This is where you're at. This is where the fight is when it comes to collaborating and to compromising with your morning routines or evening routines or anything that you're doing Because you're like I'm suffering, I'm just trying to manage my symptoms. I don't know what their problem is. Their problem is they want attention, affection, love and validation because they're in an intimate relationship, which is actually not a problem. They're just requiring it of you because you're choosing to be in a relationship with them.

Speaker 1 19:54

And for the partner that doesn't have PMDD, do you give your attention freely or only when it feels easy or convenient for you? Are you in this place that you're only giving them affection, attention, love, validation when they're in their follicular phase and you know that you're not going to get rejected and you know that they're going to be in a good mood? So you're only being that open when you know that they're going to be in a good mood? I've had partners do this so many times. When they figure out when I'm in PMDD, they avoid me like the plague. They're like, oh, she's in PMDD, she could be moody, she could be this and you're withholding everything. But then, as soon as they're in a good mood, you're like, hey, the next thing is you ask for intimacy, you want intimacy.

Speaker 1 20:50

I always ask my clients when we come on these introductory sessions what is it that you think is missing in your PMDD relationship? The big one is always intimacy. But are you creating emotional closeness first by intimacy? A lot of times they're talking about the sex is gone. Sex is gone. We don't have sex anymore. We used to have sex. Every time we have sex, it's like very sporadic, and then it probably won't happen for another 40 days and 40 nights For the partner that has PMDD and you're saying that you want intimacy.

The Imbalance of Emotional Availability

Speaker 1 21:08

Ask yourself this question Are you emotionally available to your partner when you're asking for intimacy? Do they know what's really going on with you? Are you really expressing your emotions towards them? Are you telling them that you love them, that you care about them? Are you holding their hand? Are you looking at them lovingly? Are you rubbing their back? Are you doing all of those cute things that you used to do when you were dating? Are you not doing those things and expecting intimacy. You're not doing those things. You're not holding their hand, you're not looking at them lovingly, you're not rubbing their back, you're not looking at them with the heart eye emojis when they're walking into the house and you haven't seen them all day. You're not doing any of that, but you're expecting intimacy. You're looking at them like they're the same you know blowjob off the street that you've seen at the grocery store but you're expecting intimacy from them. You're treating them like they're common and trying to create intimacy.

Speaker 1 22:10

Intimacy means that you are treating them as if they are the most important person in your world during that time, during that moment that you are so infatuated with them, that you were so attracted to them that you're leaning in and you're being loving that you are drawn to them. You are acting as if you are drawn to them and that is a level of intimacy. You feel so close to them. Intimacy is closeness, meaning whatever's going on with me right now. You should know, because I'm going to talk to you about what's going on with me. I'm going to tell you everything that's going on in my brain so that you can get into my body. That's literally the code for intimacy Through intimacy that is fulfilling. I'm going to tell you everything that's going on in my brain so that when you connect with my body, there's no surprise. There's this connectedness. It's like a plug. When you're connected to me on an intimate level, you know what's going on with my mind. When we connect with our bodies it's all aligned.

Speaker 1 23:12

When there's no intimacy, there's no emotional closeness. That's just sex. That's something that you can have with any blowjob and it's not fulfilling. It's like you have no idea what'sjob and it's not fulfilling. It's like you have no idea what's going on with me but you wouldn't enter my body. Okay, you don't feel closer to that person. You almost feel taken advantage of. How many times have you had sex with your partner and felt taken advantage of, felt less close than you did before? It just wasn't good. It wasn't good because you weren't emotionally connected.

Speaker 1 23:42

For the, the partner that doesn't have PMDD, do you shut down physical connection out of fear, like, are you assuming that you know they're not going to understand you or what you have to say doesn't really matter? You have all of these fears about the things that are going on in your mind and your heart. You're not sharing it with your partner, but you're saying that you want intimacy. So then when you do have sex, guess what? It's not fulfilling. And if it's not fulfilling, it's probably not gonna happen again for another 40 days and 40 nights.

Speaker 1 24:08

If you're wondering why you have these sporadic moments of intimacy, that's just your body being lustful, that's your body being horny and lustful. You have sex and then it doesn't happen again because there's no yearning, there's no craving for it. People crave intimacy, people lust after sex. Craving intimacy meaning I felt so close to you, I felt so seen, I felt so heard, I felt like you really got me. I want to do that again. That's that intimacy. That's when you're drawn to the person. That's probably what drew you to them in the beginning. But lusting after them is like I can't take it anymore. I'm about to burst, I'm so stressed out. I'm just going to have sex, pump, pump, pump and we're done. Because the reason why that takes a long time to happen again is because you have to wait until you get that frustrated, that overwhelmed, that built up. So when you have that same scenario happen again and it's not going to be fulfilling, it's really not you are robbing yourself.

Speaker 1 25:03

Some of you are in the homes with individuals that can create such an amazing experience of emotional intimacy, and you're robbing yourself of that and you're breadcrumbing yourself with this little experience. That's not fulfilling, it's not. I've been there, done that, don't want the t-shirt, thank you. If it's not, I've been there, done that, don't want the t-shirt, thank you. If it's not emotional closeness, if it's not intimacy, it's not worth it for me, because then I end up being in my head. You're not in my head, I'm in my head alone. How many times have you done that? Well, you've had sex with your partner or someone that you're dating and then you've laid in the bed. You're in one place in your mind. They're probably asleep, or maybe in another place in your mind. You're not close, you're not feeling intimate, you're not cuddling. It's not fulfilling. You're just like wow, like it almost feels like a moment of weakness, or you could be momentarily proud like yay, we did it, okay.

Speaker 1 25:55

The next one is you say you want love from your PMDD partner, but are you acting in a loving way? I've seen this so many times. I saw it with Sarah and John on our private session, where they're literally yelling at each other saying that they want love, but are you acting in a loving way? Are you for the individual that has premenstrual dysphoric disorder? That was Sarah.

Speaker 1 26:21

Are you treating your partner in ways that reflect kindness and the kind of love that you're expecting to receive? Love is patient. Love is kind. Very simple. Let's start with the basics. Are you being kind and patient? Are you being demanding and critical and blaming and shaming and resentful and bitter? But you want love. This is not working because they're not showing me love. How are you acting towards them For the partner that doesn't have PMDD? Are you loving unconditionally or only when your partner meets your emotional expectations, when they're in their follicular phase? I've seen this so often, where you only act loving when they're in their follicular phase and they're treating you well. Am I advocating for them to ever not treat you well? No, but what I'm saying is you treating your partner well shouldn't be contingent upon certain times If you want your partner to be loving.

Speaker 1 27:15

Are you being and I hate using this new era that we're in but are you being soft? Are you being open? And I don't mean soft as a realm of weakness, because I know that's a lot of times how it's interpreted but a lot of times you're so hard. You are so hard. You are angrily crying, you are yelling, you are frustrated and you're scaring your partner and saying that you want love. You'rearing your partner and saying that you want love. You're yelling at your partner, saying that you want love. You know what really helps and it's helped me before and it really took me a while to be comfortable doing this and it's helped a lot of my clients.

Speaker 1 27:55

Your partner would rather see you break down crying or not break down and be open and vulnerable than to be yelling at them. They feel safer to lean in and be loving, which is one of my number one tools when you are crying and broken down, because there's no defensiveness. It's not scary, right? If you see that your partner is frustrated and so overwhelmed and they're just like I don't know what else to do. I just want my partner to love me. You know that your partner will lean over and hug you and kiss you and love you, because they finally feel like they're in a safe place to do so, because they don't feel like you're going to go off of them and blame them and criticize them.

Intimacy Beyond Physical Connection

Speaker 1 28:39

A lot of times when you've gone through a lot of traumatic events, that's where you're at. It's either anger and rage and, oh my gosh, I'm so frustrated to like. You know what. This is how I really feel and this is how we get to in our private sessions together. We get to the root of it and a lot of times at the root it's a lot of fear and a lot of sadness, and it's like I and when your partner sees that they lean in and give you the very thing that you've been asking for, because they finally feel safe to do so, because they know that you're not going to chop their head off because you're not in that aggressive state.

Speaker 1 29:18

If you want love real, tender, compassionate, caring love drop the mask. Drop the ego, drop the harshness, drop the aggression. Drop the who's right and who's wrong. Drop that. It doesn't matter If one of you is wrong. You're both wrong because you're in the relationship together. If you care more about being right, be single, because that means you're trying to win for you, not for the relationship. If I ever felt like I won, like oh, I won because I did this and they didn't do that, then I'm not thinking about the relationship, because the relationship is two people. I'm thinking about myself. So the next thing is.

Speaker 1 29:54

You say that you're triggered, but are you owning the trigger? Are you blaming your partner for it? You're always coming. I'm triggered, dr Rose, I'm triggered, okay, but are you owning the fact that you are triggered? Because there's a lot of things that happen in the relationship where you're triggered for a specific reason and I always ask you when we're working together why does that trigger you? I'm not saying what their behavior is right or wrong. We just need to get to the root of why does that action specifically trigger you.

Speaker 1 30:24

When I found out that yelling and cursing was a trigger in my PMDD relationships, that was a me thing. I have childhood trauma related to yelling and cursing. That was something that I couldn't handle. Is that my partner's fault? No, I had to take ownership for it. I couldn't blame my partner for doing something that they probably just do. That's on me to choose a partner that did that. That was completely on me, because I'm pretty sure there's someone that can be in a relationship with somebody that does that and they're completely fine. I had to own the trigger. I said I was triggered and I own the fact that. Hey, when I really dug deep and really understood why I'm triggered by that it's because of my childhood trauma, because I had an abusive adopted father who yelled at me and cursed at me and made me feel horrible about myself. And every single time that a partner does that, I go back to that moment and it shrinks me and it's mortifying and it is terrifying to me and so for the partner that has PMDD, are you identifying the root of your triggers and communicating them without attacking?

Speaker 1 31:27

83% of individuals who have premenstrual dysphoric disorder have some level of past trauma 83%. So pretty much all of us have some level of past trauma. So when you're talking about your triggers, these are trauma triggers. What is your past trauma that is making you be triggered by this specific action by your partner? Are you identifying the root? For me, the root was my childhood. Can I change that?

Speaker 1 31:55

Even if I healed from it, that's probably always going to be a trigger for me and I just need to manage how I react to it. And I needed to communicate that to my partner and I did it in a way of saying, hey, this is a trigger that I have from my childhood partner. And I did it in a way of saying, hey, this is a trigger that I have from my childhood and when I communicated it, they were just like this is who I am, this is part of who I am. I don't think it's anything wrong with it. And then I had to make a choice. After that, that was on me. That's me owning my trigger. I'm always going to be triggered by this, you're telling me. You're always going to be do it. So now what?

Speaker 1 32:30

And then for the partner that doesn't have PMD are you making space for your partner's triggers without taking them personally or escalating it? Meaning, if I tell you that I have triggers with yelling and cursing because of my childhood, are you going to take it personally? Are you going to escalate it and turn it into a fight? Or are you going to be understanding and saying you know what? I understand that. I get that that has nothing to do with me, but you know what? Because that triggers you, I'm going to work on that. That would be a choice. Do they have to do that? Absolutely not, absolutely not. If you make a decision and say if I tell you, hey, this is my trigger, this is what I'm working with and you don't want to change it, then it's on me to make a decision of how am I going to live my life. The next thing is you ask for patience, but are you practicing it too?

Speaker 1 33:16

You say you want your partner to be more patient, but are you patient for the individual who has PMDD, with your own process of managing your PMDD? Are you demanding quick fixes and perfection from your partner? Are you consistently you're working on yourself and you're telling your partner you need to do this and you need to do that and you need to do this? You're demanding all of these things from your partner or are you being patient with them and understanding that they're on their own journey of healing? A lot of times, when you start working on yourself, you're not really understanding that your partner may work on themselves, but it may not be at the same time that you are understanding that your partner may work on themselves, but it may not be at the same time that you are, and you can't demand that of them and parent them into working on things that they need to work on.

Speaker 1 33:56

And for the partner that doesn't have PMDD, are you being patient with the ups and downs of their luteal phase? Are you resenting the hard days as if they're doing it on purpose? Are you making your partner feel bad about having PMDD, without knowing that it's not their fault that we have it. It's our responsibility to manage. But are you treating your partner like they're choosing PMDD, knowing that they're struggling? You want patience for yourself, but are you patient with your partner when they're working on something and they make a mistake? Are you making them feel bad about making that mistake? Or are you understanding and saying, oh, I know that was really hard for them. You know they're just. When you're working towards becoming a better version of yourself in the relationship, you're going to have times where you relapse and you're going to be like, oh, I should have handled that differently and your partner needs to be there to be supportive and not throwing it in your face. And the last thing is you say that you need support. You say you want to support a PMDD partner. You say you want support in your PMDD relationship, but are you willing to be helped For the partner that has PMDD?

Owning Your Triggers Without Blame

Speaker 1 35:01

Are you open to feedback or are you defensive and resistant to any suggestions from your partner? If your partner is coming to you and they're saying I've had this, I have this happen, like probably like five times a week, where I will get DMs or emails of like, dr Rose, I'm trying to get you know my partner to work with you, but they just won't do it. Or they're saying that I need to work on myself and it's not them and all these other things. Are you getting defensive towards your partner when they're saying listen, babe, we need help. I've tried to help you as much as I can help you, but we need help. Your partner is suggesting that you have sessions with me. Your partner is suggesting that you get help and you're just denying doing it because you're like I'm doing this and I'm doing that. You're denying it, but you're saying that you need help. You're like I can't go through this another month. Well, you are going to go through this another month because nothing is going to change until you make the changes.

Speaker 1 35:55

And for the partner that has PMDD, are you supporting your partner or are you trying to fix them? There's a difference and your partner can feel it. If you're being supportive to the things that your partner is doing to manage your PMDD symptoms, that's one thing, but if you're trying to fix them as if they're damaged goods, that's another thing and they can feel the difference. So you're wondering why your partner is not being receptive of the level of support that you're providing. It's because they know that you're treating them like they're damaged goods and that doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good to be something or someone that's damaged and your partner just says, oh, as soon as we fix you up, we'll be good.

Speaker 1 36:34

So if today's episode really hit home for you, if you're realizing that maybe you've been asking for things that you are not emotionally open to receiving, you're not alone. I've been there so many times, but awareness was my first step towards transformation. Awareness was my first step to really understanding, wow, the things that I'm asking for. I'm not really projecting that. I'm ready for them, but real change happens in a safe and guided conversation, and that's where I come in.

Speaker 1 37:05

For the entire month of July, I'm offering a special discount on all my PMDD relationship counseling sessions.

Speaker 1 37:11

I put the code down there FREEDOM on my most popular package, which is the three sessions.

Speaker 1 37:16

This is one session with you, one session with your partner, and then I couple the tools that I give you and we have one session together. So this is your chance to finally break the cycle of miscommunications, of triggers, of emotional disconnection, of not getting your needs met, because, whether you're the one who has PMDD or you're the partner that's trying to love them better? I see you. I have helped countless hundreds of couples go through multiple cycles in their luteal phase, rebuild trust, restore all of those traumatic events that have happened, heal from them so you don't have to keep going from them again and again and again, and get the peace that you deserve and desire in your luteal phase and every other phase in your cycle. So spots are limited. This offer does go away at the end of July, so if this is something that you know that you need help with, go to inlovewithpmddcom. I want to put the link down here in the show notes and until next time we got this, I love you.