Are You Parenting your PMDD Partner?

Use Code "PMDDFreedom" for $100 off Private PMDD Sessions-

Click to Book a Private PMDD Session

Follow me on Instagram

Follow me on TikTok

Ever wonder why your partner doesn't change despite your constant reminders and guidance? The answer might be hiding in plain sight: you've unintentionally shifted from being their partner to becoming their parent.

This transformative episode explores how the subtle dynamic of "parenting" your partner—especially in relationships affected by PMDD—creates resistance rather than cooperation. When we consistently correct behavior, monitor moods, control routines, or make decisions without input, we create a power imbalance that destroys intimacy and breeds resentment.

The frustrating cycle begins innocently. You communicate needs and set boundaries, but when your partner doesn't respond as expected, you intensify your efforts—explaining more, reminding more, directing more. This approach backfires spectacularly because no adult wants to feel controlled or diminished. Your intelligent partner likely knows what you need but resists when they feel forced rather than inspired to change.

Dr. Rose shares powerful alternatives to break this pattern. Instead of demanding change through parental tactics, learn how to influence through example. By focusing on your own growth and extending invitations rather than issuing commands, you create space for authentic transformation. This approach works whether you're the partner with PMDD or the partner supporting someone through it.

The path forward requires a fundamental shift: release the need to control your partner's actions and focus instead on what you can change about yourself. When you model the behavior you wish to see and take responsibility for your own emotional regulation and health, you create a template for growth that your partner can choose to follow—not from obligation, but from genuine desire.

Ready to transform your relationship from parent-child dynamics to true partnership? This episode offers the insights and practical steps to make that shift today.

Transcript

The Common Relationship Mistake

Speaker 1 0:00

Today I want to talk to you about something very important. If you are trying to get your partner to be more supportive, if you're trying to get your partner to be more loving, if you're trying to get your partner to be more affectionate and this is for the partner that has premenstrual dysphoric disorder and the partner that does not there may be this common mistake that you are making that I've seen so often with my clients and they're making this mistake and it's really preventing them from getting their partner to change in any way within the relationship. But I wanted to make sure that I talked about this because it's done subconsciously and I think that a lot of times you're getting frustrated because you're consistently telling your partner that you need them to be more supportive, telling them that you need them to do more of something, telling them that you need them to do less of something. Maybe you're saying that you need to have more space in PMDD. Maybe you're setting these boundaries where you're saying let's not talk about really important issues during the luteal phase. You're trying to put all of these boundaries in place and you're wondering why your partner's not listening to you. You're wondering why they're consistently doing things that you have literally said that this is not the right thing to do. It's going to be a big blow up, we're going to have a fight, we're going to have an argument, and then you end up in the same circle and you get really frustrated with telling your partner the same thing again and again, and again and again. And this is when you start to think that maybe you're not compatible, maybe you shouldn't be with this partner, because they're not listening to you or they're not getting it. You don't feel seen, you don't feel heard, you don't feel validated, you don't feel appreciated, you don't feel like they really understand your struggle or what you're going through.

Speaker 1 1:31

I've been in this case so many times and this common mistake has been made. So I really wanted to just tell you about the tools today, about what you can really do when you find yourself in this frustrated place and that is you are literally. And when I tell you what it is that you're doing, I know there's going to be a lot of resistance to it, because it's going to be like Dr Rose, I'm not doing that, I'm just trying to tell them, or I need to tell them, or they don't understand unless I tell them. But you may be in this loop and I've been here before and I've been here subconsciously meaning I haven't consciously done it in like, hey, I'm presently doing this, but I've just been so frustrated with trying to get my partner to understand me, to see me to do the things that I know would make our PMDD relationship better, and I've ended up making this mistake and I've done this a couple of times and I had a pattern of doing this and it's just been so damaging and it's a scam and it doesn't work. And that is, you are parenting your PMDD partner and what I mean by that?

Parenting vs Partnering

Speaker 1 2:33

Instead of being their partner, instead of being someone that's on an equal level, you become a parent to your partner. When you start to strategically tell them all the things that they should be doing, all the things that they shouldn't be doing, you call it setting boundaries, but what you're really doing is putting yourself in this parental role, because as soon as they don't do the things that you told them to do, or they neglect to do the things that you did tell them to do, then you start to withhold affection, withhold attention, withhold validation, the same way that you would tell a child know a child. You can't play with your toys, you know, because you didn't clean your room, kind of deal. And there's a lot of resistance, right when you're telling your partner the same thing again and again, and again and you're wondering why they're not getting it. They may be in this place where the ego steps in and the ego does not like to be told what to do in a way that is demeaning, that is disrespectful. It'll start to kind of counter back.

Speaker 1 3:27

If you've ever noticed that your partner is acting out of character meaning they're saying things to you that they wouldn't normally say or they're doing things that they wouldn't normally do, that's because you've bruised their ego. They're feeling resentful towards doing anything that you're saying that they should do, because they feel like they're the child, because you're parenting them. And I remember thinking to myself so many times that if I don't tell them what to do or what not to do, they're not going to understand me, they're not going to get it, and I thought I was doing the right thing by communicating to them this is what works for me, or this is what doesn't work for me, and what I was really doing was putting myself in that parental role and this really started to impact my intimacy. It starts to impact the way that my partner spoke to me, because they were getting a little rebellious. They were getting rebellious because they were resentful, because they felt like kind of like I was treating them like a child, like I was punking them.

Speaker 1 4:18

Your partner will start to repel the things that you're telling them what to do if they feel like they're being forced to do it. Repel the things that you're telling them what to do if they feel like they're being forced to do it. No one wants to feel like they're forced to do anything, because if they feel like you're forcing them, if they feel like you're making them, then they're going to resist it. They're almost going to continue with that behavior longer than they would have if you hadn't called them out on it. And so you know I'm all about calling your partner out when it comes to behavior that's damaging to your PMDD relationship, but not in a way that you become apparent, because, again, one of the biggest things that happened when I did this was the intimacy. The intimacy really went down. So I want you to ask yourself are you and your partner still intimate? Are you and your partner still intimate on a consistent basis? Are you and your partner still connecting on an intimate level? And a lot of times, if the answer is no, it's because they're looking at you like you're nagging them. They're never good enough, they're walking on eggshells.

Speaker 1 5:13

All of these things are preventing intimacy. They're preventing you from being intimate with your premenstrual dysphoric disorder partner. This is for the partner that has PMDD and the partner that doesn't. So if you've not taken my course, my partner has PMDD. Now what?

Speaker 1 5:26

One of the biggest mistakes that I put in one of the first modules is trying to fix your partner. If this is a partner that has premenstrual dysphoric disorder, you're going and you're reading up and doing all this research and you should take this supplement. Or you should stop doing this, or maybe you should cut back on this and you're starting to parent them in a way that you would a child and then when you go to be intimate with them, they're not looking at you like they're a partner, like you're an equal. They're looking at you like you're a parent and they're going to start to resent being intimate with you. They're going to start to resent all of these things because they're going to start to feel like it's something that they have to do versus something that they want to do. And again, I'm telling you this because a lot of times you're doing it subconsciously and you're doing it because you feel like it's the only way to get your partner to do the things that you know that you need them to do. And you feel like you're you, so you should be able to tell them, like I know what it is that I need, I know what it is that I don't need, so if I don't tell them, they won't do it.

Speaker 1 6:22

Here's the thing that I want you to know about your partner. Your partners are smart. Your partners are not da-dum-da-dum, meaning you didn't marry someone, you didn't agree to be with someone who's not intelligent. I was working with a client earlier this week and they were so surprised because they were on a session with us together and they were saying I know what she needs, I know she needs acts of service, I know she needs me to help out more around the house. And then they went on to all of these other things that were going on in the relationship and the other partner was shocked. She was shocked because she was like wait, I never thought that they knew what it is that I needed from them. I thought that I had to tell them and I'm like no, a lot of times. Your partner knows what it is that you need.

Speaker 1 7:03

They just don't want to feel like they're doing it because you're forcing them to do it. Because you're telling them to do it, it's inauthentic. If someone feels like the only reason that they're doing something is because you're telling them to do it, then it doesn't mean as much and it shouldn't mean as much to you If you know that the only reason somebody is doing something is because you're forcing them, you're telling them or they're feeling like there's not going to be peace in the house unless they do it. And I gave this example the other day. I was saying you know, if I get up in the morning and I you know, I'm helping my daughter with certain things, and she's like I love you, I won't. I won't feel as fulfilled knowing that she's saying I love you If I feel like she's doing it because she feels like she has to do it. I want her to just be in a moment and desire to say that she loves me. And that's when she's saying it.

Speaker 1 7:46

If I felt like she was programmed to say it or she felt like you know, if you want to have breakfast or if you want to get a treat or if you want to do something good, then you need to say I love you. Then it's going to be inauthentic and a lot of times you are parenting your PMDD partner and it's really damaging your relationship and a lot of times again, you're doing this unintentionally. So I'm going to give you some signs of what it looks like for you to be parenting your partner, because I want you to kind of catch yourself when you're doing it. When I recognized that this was damaging to my relationship and it wasn't really serving us it wasn't making my partner want to do the things that I needed them to do. Matter of fact, I think it was one or two times where I noticed that they were saying things and doing things and it wasn't authentic, because you'll get to that point where you can feel like, wait a minute, they don't really mean that or they're just saying that and it doesn't feel good to be on the receiving end of some kind of attention, affection, love, validation. That is not genuine. It's just because they feel like this is something that they have to do in order to be in a relationship with you.

Effects on Intimacy and Trust

Speaker 1 8:47

So the first thing that can happen when you're parenting your PMDD partner and again, this is for the partner that has PMDD and the partner that doesn't is you're consistently correcting or scolding their behavior. You're saying things like you can't talk to me like that or you need to calm down. You're always trying to regulate your partner's emotions instead of letting them regulate them themselves. Your partner is never going to learn how to self-soothe or regulate their own emotions if you're always giving commands about what emotion they're supposed to have in each moment. So this tone sounds more like correcting a child than a partnership that is communicating with empathy. If you're saying to them you can't talk to me like that right now, or I don't want you to talk to me like that right now, that's like a parent. That's like telling your parent hey, don't raise your voice at me. Or if you're telling your partner like you need to calm down right now, that's like a parent. That's what you tell to your child when they start raising their voice and and they're not able to manage your emotions and you start to tell them hey, you don't talk to me like that, you need to calm down. That's what you're doing when you're parenting your PMDD partner.

Speaker 1 9:49

The next sign that you are parenting your PMDD partner is you're monitoring their mood consistently. You're always asking them how they're feeling, what their mood is. Are you okay now? You seem moody again. You seem sad. You seem sad, you seem mad, you seem this. You seem that You're constantly nagging them and talking about the emotions that they're having instead of letting them process them. This used to happen to me so many times where I would just get quiet or I would be experiencing an emotion and my partner would consistently be saying what's wrong? You seem sad right now, or you seem mad right now, or you seem this.

Speaker 1 10:22

Sometimes your partner just needs to be in this space where they're able to process their emotions without consistently talking about the emotions that they're processing. Give them space and time to process their own emotions and then come to you after they're processed. A lot of times, when they're in the middle of it, they can't even explain to you what emotion they're having or why they're having it. And so when you're consistently picking on them and you're saying, why do you look like that or why are you so quiet, or why are you not talking right now? Or it seems like you're distracted when you're making assumptions about your partner's mood. You're checking on them as if they are a child.

Speaker 1 10:57

This can feel like they're under a surveillance camera. They're going to start to feel suffocated. They're going to start to feel trapped because you're commenting on every emotion that they're having. It's going to feel like surveillance instead of support. So it creates this pressure and reinforces that. You know they can't regulate themselves and they need to always be happy or they need to always be a certain way in order for you to not be triggered. It's going to get to the point where your partner is not going to feel safe having their authentic emotions, unless it's an emotion that they feel that you can handle.

Speaker 1 11:28

When you get to that point and you feel like your partner can't handle you being sad, or your partner can't handle you being mad, or your partner can't handle you being triggered, you're going to feel pressure to stay in a state that is not authentic to how you're really feeling, just so you don't trigger your partner, and that's when they're gonna start to feel like they're gonna wanna avoid you because they're gonna be like every single time I get sad, or every single time I get mad, or every single time I get triggered. It's gonna bother them, so I can't be my authentic self, so I'm just gonna be better off alone. They're gonna feel like they're better off alone because when they're alone they're able to express their emotions in any way that they come up, without having to explain them to someone, without having to over-explain. A lot of times you don't know why you're feeling sad or why you're feeling mad or why you're feeling triggered, until you've processed those emotions, and so the next sign that you're parenting your PMDD partner is you're controlling their schedules or routines. This happens so often when you assume, because they're in a certain phase of their cycle oh you should be doing this, or you normally do this at this time, or maybe you should get more sleep, or you shouldn't be eating that during your luteal phase. When you're consistently telling them what they should and shouldn't be doing during the luteal phase, you're parenting them when, a lot of times, every single luteal phase is different. There are some months where you want to eat more and there's some months where you want to eat less. Or there's some months where you want to sleep more and there's some months where you can't really sleep, and there's certain self-care things that really are subjective to the phase of the cycle that you're in.

Speaker 1 12:58

Every single cycle is not going to be the same. So if your partner's in that space where they're only expecting you to be the same way that you were last month and they're expecting you to be on this routine and you feel like you have no, what I call psychological flexibility meaning I may have a routine this month and it can completely change next month and that may be based on how I'm feeling in my cycle. So, while your intentions may be good, as the partner we're trying to keep them on track or keep them with something that maybe worked with them the last cycle, maybe that doesn't work with them this cycle. So it crosses into parenting and it lets go of your partner having the freedom to say, hey, I know this worked for me last month, but this month it's not working for me. If you're consistently trying to tell them what they should be doing in their luteal phase and their ovulation and your menstruation and in their follicular phase, you're not allowing them the freedom to be in every phase of their cycle. Again, this is for the partner that has PMDD and the partner that doesn't.

Speaker 1 13:52

And the next thing that can happen when you're parenting your PMDD partner is, you're making decisions without input. You're assuming that your partner because they're in the luteal phase and they're suffering with premenstrual dysphoric disorder symptoms that they're not in a place to make any decisions. So you're assuming that they're going to be moody, or you're assuming that they're going to be emotional, or you're assuming that they're going to have this rejection sensitivity. So you start to hold things in or you start to not share certain things, or you start to make big decisions on your own and saying things like I'll just handle it. You're too emotional right now while you're in PMDD, or you're too emotional in the luteal phase.

Speaker 1 14:25

So this assumes that the partner that has PMDD is incapable of making decisions, which can be disempowering. It can make them feel like a broken bird, like they're not intelligent enough to handle things. A lot of times, the individuals who have premenstrual dysphal disorder they're going to work every single day. They're doing their job. So when you're making it seem like they're not capable of doing little things within the relationship, or you're hiding things from them or saying I didn't want to say this to them because I didn't want them to be mad, do not assume. Check in with your partner and see how they're really feeling how they're really doing, without assuming that they're not able to handle the things that are going on in your relationship, because then you're parenting them instead of being a partner. A partner would go to them with whatever issues are going on in the relationship, whatever issues are going on in the household, to see if they're able to handle it at that moment. If a decision needs to be made, let it be after you checked in with the partner.

Speaker 1 15:17

So the next sign is you're withholding or granting privileges based on behavior. You're saying things like if you keep this, I'm not going to go out with you. We're not going to be able to go to this event, we're not going to be able to go out in public. If you're going to keep crying, if you're going to keep nagging me, if we're fighting, then we're not going to be able to go out and go to this social event. So this turns the relationship into a reward and and punishment system rather than mutual respect and partnership. You're basically saying if you're going to be on your best behavior, we can go. If you're not going to be on your best behavior, then we can't go.

Signs You're Parenting Your Partner

Speaker 1 15:48

And I've been in this situation so many times where my feelings have been invalidated and it's like, hey, it seems like you're too emotional to go out right now, or it seems like this is not a good time. You're assuming that it's not a good time based off of your perception. Instead of asking them like a partner, you're acting like a parent and you're rewarding them like, hey, if you can stop nagging, if we can stop arguing, if you can stop doing all of these things and being emotional, then we can go out and have a good time. If not, let's just cancel the trip. How many times have you been arguing and fighting and then one partner just canceled the date and say we're not going out or I'm not going out with you because we're in this situation? That means you're being a parent. You're taking away their ability to go socialize because they haven't been on their best behavior.

Speaker 1 16:31

So the next sign is you're over explaining or you're lecturing. You're starting to tell them, give them big, long lectures and say you need to understand. When you get like this, it affects everybody around you. It's not just about PMDD, it's not just about you. There's so much else going on in this world. There's so much else going on in this relationship, and you're talking to them like they're a child. You're giving them the grand big picture of everything. But lecturing implies that the individual who has PMDD is unaware of their impact on everybody else, or they're not trying, which can make them feel shameful, which can make them feel guilty, which can make you feel like the parent, you feel like the daddy or you feel like the mommy when you're telling them how their actions impact everyone else in the relationship or maybe everybody else that they're around, when they know that Remember, your partner is smart. They're aware of how their behavior is impacting other people, including you. They don't need you to lecture them and over-explain how they're impacting you if they're already feeling guilty about it.

Speaker 1 17:32

And the next sign is that you're emotionally rescuing them instead of collaborating with them, and what I mean by that is you're just saying don't worry, I'll just fix it for you. Maybe they went off on their child, your child together, and maybe they did something where they acted out of character. And instead of you all having a conversation with your child together and saying mommy or daddy had this, they were in this mood or they had this kind of reaction and they were apologizing, instead of you collaborating on how you can address the issue, you're saying don't worry, I'll just fix it for you, like a parent would do, where they would kind of like I'll call the school, I'll call the school and fix this for you. So, while it may come from a place of love, rescuing keeps the individual with PMDD in a helpless role and prevents growth. It doesn't help them to learn how to regulate their own emotions, because they're always going to be assuming that you're going to sweep in and fix it for them.

Speaker 1 18:25

And so the next sign is that you start tracking their premenstrual dysphoric disorder cycle without collaboration. This is for the partner that has PMDD and the partner that doesn't. You may say, oh, I already know where you are in your cycle, so I knew this would happen. I already knew that you're going to be on PMDD. I've had partners do this before where maybe one month my PMDD was at the 20th of the month, and then we go into the next month and they're assuming that I'm in PMDD, even though my cycle may have moved. So it may be the 20th of the month and I'm not in PMDD. But they're specifically saying, oh, I already knew you were going to be emotional because it's the 20th of the month, and I'm like oh no, no, no, I'm actually not in PMDD. How many times have you had to convince your partner or tell them incessantly I'm not in PMDD? I know that you're assuming that I am, but I'm actually in ovulation. I'm actually in my good days, I'm actually on my period. All of these things.

Speaker 1 19:15

It creates this power imbalance. It can feel like intrusiveness rather than support, especially if it's used to invalidate your feelings, especially if you're assuming that I'm in PMDD when I'm really not. Instead of just asking, how many times have your partner told you that you're in premenstrual disorder, you're in your luteal phase, you're in PMDD? Instead of just asking and saying hey, babe, are you in PMDD right now? Because I want to make sure that we're handling the situation in the best way possible, that's asking a question and collaborating, versus saying you're in PMDD and just assuming.

Speaker 1 19:47

So the next sign is that they're guilt tripping you into better behavior. They're saying do you know how hard it is for you to be in PMDD? Do you know how hard it is for me? Do you know how hard this is for me too? Like if you start complaining about your PMDD symptoms and then they just go and say you know, this is so hard for me too. It's not just you that's going through this. They're guilt tripping you and this may sound like a plea for empathy, but it's really used for manipulation. It reinforces this parent and child dynamic where you're really going in and saying like you're not the only one that's suffering around here. I'm suffering too.

Speaker 1 20:20

So you try to tell your partner about your symptoms and how you're feeling. Or maybe you're the partner that doesn't have PMDD and you're trying to tell your partner like, hey, the way that you're reacting in PMDD, the way that you're shutting down or the way that you're rejecting me, it's really impacting me. And instead of them being supportive and collaborative and saying, okay, how can we fix this? They're like, oh, you're going through that where I'm suffering too, or I'm lonely too, or I could use this too and completely invalidating your feelings and making it into this parent-child dynamic where, instead of trying to meet the needs of your partner, you're talking to them like a parent and talking to them about the burdens that you have going on.

Speaker 1 20:58

And so the next sign is you're taking on the role of the emotional manager. You're kind of telling them let me tell you how you should be feeling right now? Or how many times has your partner said if I were you, I wouldn't have reacted that way. If I were you, I wouldn't have said that. If I were you, I wouldn't have done that. Well, guess what? They're not you, so they're going to handle the situation differently. But managing another adult's emotions instead of supporting them, it's going to come across as condescending or controlling, like duh. You're not going to respond the same way because we're not the same person. We don't have the same triggers, we don't have the same background, we don't have the same trauma. But when you're consistently telling them, this is the way that you should be reacting.

Speaker 1 21:33

In this scenario, you are parenting your PMDD partner and you're repelling any change that they could potentially have. By repelling, I mean instead of them changing and wanting to change and wanting to be better and wanting to be more supportive. They're almost going to stay in that state of defiance where they're going to consistently not do the things that you're wanting them to do because they don't want to feel like they're forced. Because if they feel like they're forced to change because you're telling them to change, they're going to become bitter, they're going to become resentful and they're going to become this version of themselves that is outside of who you know that they are. They're going to start to act out of character because they don't want to give in. The ego doesn't want to feel like they're forced into submission, like I'm being loving only because you're telling me that you want affection. You're going to not be nice to me, you're going to treat me differently unless I'm affectionate with you. So now I'm going to pretend like I'm affectionate, like I'm really, really into it.

Speaker 1 22:29

So this parenting dynamic often comes from a place of fear. It comes from a place of love, even when you're trying to fix your partner and help your partner, and it also comes from a place of burnout where you're feeling the need to consistently tell your partner this is what you need to do. This is what you need to do. This is what you need to do. But it damages trust. It turns out to make your partner feel like you don't trust them to regulate their own emotions you to regulate their own emotions. You don't trust them to manage their PMDD symptoms. You don't trust them to manage their emotions while they're going through the luteal phase with you. It breaks the intimacy. You don't feel intimate with someone. That feels like a parent.

Speaker 1 23:05

I don't wanna make love, have sex, be flirty with someone that is parenting me and telling me and scolding me and saying you need to do this and you need to do this and you need to do this, and saying you need to do this and you need to do this and you need to do this, and it messes up your equality. You never feel like you're equal with your partner if they're always superior because maybe they're managing their emotions better than you are. Maybe, instead of going off on PMDD raids, they're stonewalling you and shutting down and they're making it seem like that's more superior than going off. So now you're feeling shameful and so there's no equality. It's almost like who's doing the most damage, and so PMD partners may feel ashamed and defensive and rebellious in response to this parenting, and then the partner that doesn't have PMD may feel overwhelmed and resentful and trapped in the caretaker role. They're always feeling like they need to take care of you, like they need to regulate your emotions, they need to get help, they need to do double on their self-care because you can't manage your own.

Speaker 1 24:03

When you're in a place where you're not managing your self-care, where you're not able to regulate your emotions, your partner may feel like they need to overcompensate for what you're not doing. So the best way and I'm gonna teach you this today if you want your partner to change, if you really want them to get to a point where they're shifting certain things in their behavior in a certain way, I want you to start to look at yourself and look at the things that you can change in the relationship and look at the things that you can do in the relationship and allow them to fall in line with what you are doing. I need you to influence them, not demand that they act a certain way. By influence them, that means, if you're feeling like that the reason why that their PMDD symptoms are so horrible maybe you're feeling like they need to do more self-care, maybe they need to get more sleep. Instead of telling them you should go to sleep right now, it's time for you to go to sleep, maybe you start go to sleep right now. It's time for you to go to sleep. Maybe you start going to sleep earlier and you just lovingly giving them a kiss on the forehead or giving them a kiss on the lips, or giving them a hug and say hey, babe, I'm going to bed. You want to join me If you're feeling like there's a lot of inflammation in their body.

Speaker 1 25:04

Maybe the intimacy is suffering because they're not happy in their body. This happens with a lot of shame there, so there's a lot of insecurity, there's a lot of jealousy, there's all of these other issues that are coming into play and you know that it's taking a toll on your intimacy. So maybe you get up in the morning or in the evening and you say hey, I'm going to go for a walk. Babe, do you want to go with me? You're not demanding that they go. You're not even making them feel bad about going. You're setting the example and saying this is something that I'm going to do to make myself feel better. Would you like to join me? Your partner will be way more willing to go on a walk with you if you ask in that way, versus you coming in and saying I thought you said you're going to walk. I thought you said you were watching what you eat. I thought you said you're going to do this.

Speaker 1 25:51

When you're being condescending and you're being judgy and you're pointing the finger and you're starting to criticize them, they're going to get defensive and they're going to start to say well, what about you? What are you doing? What are you doing? And you're going to end up in this cycle of fighting when initially, all you wanted to do was to get them to develop a better habit. So if this is something that you know, that you're saying, dr Rose, I need my partner to change in this way. Ask yourself first how can you change?

How to Influence Without Demanding

Speaker 1 26:15

Because I had a lot of clients that say I've been asking my partner hey, we need to go on counseling sessions with Dr Rose, we need to talk about a lot of the things that are happening in our PMD relationship and their partner wouldn't come. And you know what happened? They started booking sessions with me, one-on-one, and then they would book the session and their partner would see the progress that would happen with them internally over the course of some weeks. And then they would say, hey, next session I want to go on a session with you. You need to be the one to start the change, to influence them, not to demand that they change, because you don't want the change to come with bitterness, with resentment, with the ego. You want the change to come where they're seeing. Wow, I see that my partner is really putting forth the effort in this specific way. I'm also going to put forth the effort.

Speaker 1 26:59

When you put the focus on you and not on your partner, then you're going to release yourself from demanding that your partner do anything differently like a parent-child role and you're going to say I'm taking responsibility for my emotions, I'm taking responsibility for my health, I'm taking responsibility for my emotions, I'm taking responsibility for my health, I'm taking responsibility for my actions in the relationship and I'm inviting you to join me. And it's not going to be immediate. It's not like oh, I went to one session with you. I don't understand why they're not going in the session. Or I went on one walk. I don't understand.

Speaker 1 27:27

They need to see a pattern. It has to be that you intrinsically want to make yourself and your relationship better and you're willing to do what it takes in order to do so without demanding it of your partner. Your partner heard you the first time and a lot of times. They know what it is that they're supposed to do. But you nagging them, you telling them and blaming them and shaming them is not going to make them do anything differently. What is going to make them do things differently is you influencing them by them seeing you put forth the effort and you say I'm going to do this because I value the relationship.

Speaker 1 28:01

So this is something that you know that you need to work on. This is the perfect time to do it, because I have my discount that's going on for the month of July, june and July, and I have the discount code and it's called freedom and it's in the show notes. So you're saying that you're at a point where you've been telling your partner maybe you want to get on sessions, maybe you want to start developing a plan for PMDD instead of winging it every month. Whatever you want to do in your PMDD relationship, I want you to have the courage to take the first step and not parenting your partner into persuasion. Parenting doesn't persuade your partner. It repels your partner. It makes them not want to do the things that you genuinely need and want them to do. So until next time we got this, I love you.