The "But What About ME?" Trap in PMDD Relationships

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Have you ever shared something deeply personal with your partner, only to have them immediately respond with their own story? This hidden communication pattern—conversational narcissism—might be quietly destroying your PMDD relationship.

Conversational narcissism isn't about being a narcissist. It's a subtle communication habit where one person consistently redirects conversations back to themselves, often without realizing it. When your partner vulnerably shares they're exhausted during their luteal phase and you respond with "I'm tired too" before launching into your day, you're hijacking their moment of openness. This pattern leaves partners feeling unheard, invalidated, and eventually, completely alone in the relationship.

Both the partner with PMDD and the partner without it can fall into this damaging pattern. It manifests as competing over who's suffering more, interrupting vulnerable moments to share similar experiences, or subtly changing the subject when emotions get uncomfortable. The result? A relationship where true connection becomes impossible, and both partners feel increasingly isolated despite technically being together.

Breaking free from conversational narcissism starts with the 80/20 rule—aim to listen 80% of the time when your partner is being vulnerable. Instead of jumping to share your experience, try saying, "Tell me more about what you're feeling right now." This simple shift keeps the focus where it belongs and creates the emotional safety that PMDD relationships desperately need. Other powerful tools include repeating back what you heard before adding thoughts, asking clarifying questions, and using timers to ensure balanced conversation.

Ready to transform your communication patterns and create true connection? Let go of the pride that prevents accountability. When both partners commit to empathetic listening instead of conversation hijacking, the relationship fundamentally changes—creating space where both people feel seen, heard, and truly understood through every phase of the cycle.

Transcript

Communication Mistakes in PMDD Relationships

Speaker 1 0:00

Today I want to talk about communication within your PMDD relationships and one of the main mistakes that I have been seeing. That happens for both the partner that has premenstrual dysphoric disorder and the partner that does not, and this is something that I'm going to introduce to you, that I have specifically done in the past when I'm in my luteal phase, and then also I've had partners that have done this too, and it's a common mistake. So this can actually be done consciously or subconsciously, but a lot of times the damage that it does to your PMDD relationship over time. If you see a pattern of this, you get really frustrated, you get really overwhelmed and you start to maybe think, specifically in the luteal phase, that your partner is doing it on purpose. That's what I've seen. Most common is that you're assuming that because your partner is doing this during communication, that they're doing it on purpose. So let me just define it first of all. So, first and foremost, please don't get turned off by the name. I remember when I was researching this, because I noticed a couple of my clients were doing it and I was seeing a pattern of it, and when I recognized what it was, I was like, oh my goodness, they're going to get turned off by the name of it, because I think sometimes when you hear the name of what this is, then you'll start to say, oh, that's not me, or I don't do that, or you know, because you don't want to be associated with the name of it. But what I always tell you is you cannot heal what you don't reveal.

Speaker 1 1:29

If you don't come to terms with the things that you're doing in your PMDD relationship, if you're not willing to take accountability no matter how ugly it sounds, no matter how ugly it looks then you're not going to be willing to make the changes that you need to make in order to make your relationship better. This is another common mistake, and I'll talk about this a little bit later on. It's not taking accountability for the things that your partner is saying that you're doing in the PMDD relationship. But just because you don't perceive that you're doing anything, you're like oh no, no, I'm not doing it. But when you're in a PMDD relationship, just because you don't think that you're doing something wrong doesn't mean that you're not doing something wrong. If your partner is calling you out on certain things or saying that certain things are triggering them, they need to be it that way, but explain to me more. What is it that you're perceiving that I'm doing, so that I can correct it, because I don't want to cause you suffering. This is when it comes to accepting accountability and not being so prideful, because that's what it is. It's pride that's stopping you from admitting that you're doing things that are triggering your partner, and I understand why because you don't want to be perceived as someone who would cause your partner suffering. I get that Maybe you have pure intentions and you're not intentionally triggering your partner and all of these things, but just because you're not doing it on purpose doesn't mean that it's not occurring in your PMDD relationship, and there's nothing wrong with admitting that you're doing something that triggers your partner. It doesn't mean that you're doing it on purpose. It doesn't mean that you're a bad person. It doesn't mean that you're not accountable. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't be together. It doesn't mean all of these negative connotations. It just means that there's something that needs to be addressed so that things can be done differently, so that you're not triggered in your PMDD relationship and also that your needs are met. Okay, so that's the first thing. So let's get into what this looks like.

Speaker 1 3:30

Have you ever been in a conversation with your partner whether you're the partner that has premenstrual dysphoric disorder or you're the partner that doesn't and you start to say that you're suffering with something? You're like oh my gosh, I'm so exhausted, right, I used to do this a lot with having fatigue. Fatigue was something that still hits me really hard because I go from having really high energy to really low energy. So it's very apparent that when I'm trying to do even little things, like everything's harder. So I used to say to my partner like, oh my gosh, I'm so exhausted. And then they would in turn say, yeah, I'm exhausted too. I had a hard day, I had to do this and I had to do that and I didn't get good sleep last night and all of these other things. So it was almost a situation where they would kind of hijack the conversation, where I was expressing how I was feeling about the state that I was in, because I was suffering in my luteal phase, and they were in turn, countering that by saying that they were also suffering because of something that they had going on in their life. And so I would immediately shift my concern from the state that I'm in and go to okay, well, is there something that you need me to do? And all of these things. So the attention would be taken off of me and put onto my partner.

Understanding Conversational Narcissism

Speaker 1 4:45

From the outside, looking in, it doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with that, but if there's a pattern of every single time that you're mentioning your suffering, that your partner is in turn telling you how they're suffering as well, then that's going to be a problem in your PMDD relationship and we're going to talk about what that looks like. What this is is a habit of steering the conversation towards another person, meaning I'm talking about me, I'm talking about my suffering, or my partner's talking about him, he's talking about his suffering, and then I pull away and say, yeah, well, I'm also suffering, or what about me? I have this going on, or I didn't sleep good either. So it's a subtle, self-centered communication pattern where a person consistently redirects the focus, interrupts you, minimizes or monopolizes the dialogue, often without realizing it. So they're doing this without realizing that I keep hijacking the attention off of you in the relationship, in the realms of the conversation, and I'm putting it back on me.

Speaker 1 5:48

Okay, so in PMDD relationships, communication is already strained during the luteal phase and other phases of the cycle because you're walking on eggshells and you don't know what to say or what not to say to not trigger your partner. But what this is is conversational narcissism. Remember what I said about the title don't get so hooked up on the title that you don't actually take accountability or even reflect a little bit right. I remember when I heard this I was like I'm not a narcissist. Just because you do this doesn't mean that you are a narcissist. This is a narcissistic trait that happens in conversations. Again doesn't mean that you're diagnosed with NPD narcissistic personality disorder but this is something that narcissists do when they're communicating with their partners or people that they're in relationships with whether it's parent, child, intimate partners and it's very, very common.

Speaker 1 6:39

So the reason why I'm telling you about this is because it's often done subconsciously, meaning it's not done on purpose, and if you don't recognize that you're doing it, you're going to continue to do it and, being that you're in a PMDD relationship, communication is already probably an issue that you have. So if you can recognize this and change it and catch yourself, then it's really going to help you get to that point where you're not consistently doing it and it's not causing damage to your PMDD relationship. So let's get into some other ways of what that looks like. So the first example is what I was talking about earlier, which is hijacking the vulnerability, meaning I've been feeling so down and anxious and I'm not even sure why. So this could be the individual that has premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or the other partner that doesn't have PNDD, but they're just telling you how they feel, they're being open and vulnerable about how they're feeling, and then the partner that is doing this conversational narcissism. It's like, yeah, I know what you mean. That's how I felt last year when I lost my job.

Speaker 1 7:40

It was really rough, you know I, you know I actually had this issue happen for me when I had a back injury. If you don't, if you don't remember, if you go back, like probably a year ago, I had a herniated disc injury and I was dating someone and I I think it was early on when I was dating and I was basically letting them know like, hey, I just had this injury. If you see that I'm kind of like walking a little bit slower, I think we're going hiking or something, and I mentioned that I was basically working out doing a deadlift and when I stood up I heard a pop and there was this pain that came rushing down my leg. And that's when I went to the doctor. I went to the emergency room, I had an MRI and they said that I herniated my disc and it was very painful and I was. It took me months to recover from that. So when I told the person that I was dating that, they turned the conversation into their struggle instead of validating my experience. So we're like oh yeah, I remember this injury that I had, you know, back in high school when I was playing football, and I had the same injury. And I'm just going to let you know that. You know, it's going to take you years to recover, like it's been over 10 years since I've had it and I still feel pain.

Speaker 1 8:59

And they went into this whole story that had everything to do with them and nothing to do with me. They went into this whole story that had everything to do with them and nothing to do with me. And not only that is, they put a lot of fear in me regarding the injury that I had. Like, all of a sudden, I was now freaked out because they're now telling me that, based off of what happened with their injury, that I wasn't going to recover in a certain amount of time and I was going to be living with this injury for the rest of my life, and they went down this whole rabbit hole. Number one it put a lot of fear into me, but then they were like hijacking my vulnerable moment. I was trying to be open and vulnerable with them about the suffering that I was experiencing and they, in turned, turned it about their struggle and we never talked about my back again, like I think we just went deeper into his injuries, and on and on and on.

Speaker 1 9:43

This is very common for a narcissist, because they're self-centered and they're selfish and they put all the attention on themselves, consciously or subconsciously. So, as a conversational narcissist, this is what they're consistently doing. So this is how it really damages TMDD relationships. If you do it once or twice, you probably won't notice it, but when I'm working with clients, they're describing this and they're describing this and they're saying there's a consistent pattern of every single time I talk about my symptoms.

How Hijacking Vulnerability Damages Connection

Speaker 1 10:10

Or maybe it's the partner that doesn't have PMDD. Maybe they come home from a long day's work and they're saying that they're tired and you're in your luteal phase and you're like, yeah, I'm tired too, I'm exhausted, I didn't sleep last night. And then they go on and on and on about their issue and then it turns the attention that has nothing to do with them anymore, or nothing to do with you anymore, it has everything to do with them. So that's the next thing is centering their exhaustion. So, you know, I might say like, oh, I'm exhausted and my brain fog is so bad today in my luteal phase, like I have really bad brain fog. This is a very common thing in, you know, pmdd.

Speaker 1 10:45

When you're in your luteal phase, your partner may in turn say, well, yeah, I barely slept last night and I still went to work. I mean, we're both tired. I mean, obviously we're both tired. Like you know, we got a lot going on. So it's almost like competing with your partner's suffering instead of empathizing. There's a lack of empathy there and it's more competition. And I see that this is very common when partners are not seeing that their needs are getting met, despite you being in your luteal phase, and they're feeling like their needs aren't met, despite they keep mentioning I would like more attention, I would like more affection, I would like more validation, and every single time that they mentioned what their needs are. It's being turned into what I'm suffering, basically as an excuse as to why they're not getting their needs met. Like, of course I'm not being affectionate with you, I'm in my luteal phase. Like, of course I don't feel like cuddling. You know, I don't like being touched with them in my luteal phase.

Speaker 1 11:37

Or the partner that doesn't have PMDD, where you're saying like, hey, I would really like to reconnect with you, or kind of like spend more time with you, and they're like, oh, you know I'm busy, I have to do this. Or you know I'm the breadwinner of the family. Or you know I'm taking care of the kids all the time. Or you don't take care of the kids. So there's this competition of chores.

Speaker 1 11:55

This is very common in PMDD relationships, where there's an imbalance of who's doing what within the household. There's an imbalance of how it feels, not necessarily about who's doing more, but just the feeling Like both partners may end up feeling overwhelmed about the task that they're taking on to in their PMDD relationships. And what we do in our private sessions is I literally have a worksheet and we literally write out the chores and the household duties that are going to be done so that it feels equal. It doesn't matter about what it looks like on paper. It needs to feel equal to both partners so that they're not in a space where they're feeling like I'm doing all of this and you're not doing anything, because that leads to invalidation, it leads to a lack of intimacy, because you feel stressed and overwhelmed. Then that leads to feeling like you have a lack of support.

Speaker 1 12:42

So when you have this conversational narcissist, there's almost this competition about who's doing more, like you start mentioning what you're doing and the other person's mentioning what they're doing, and it's no longer about supporting each other. It's almost about proving that I'm doing more than you, which is validating why I'm exhausted. So the next way that this can show up is kind of redirecting the topic. So when you feel, when you're saying a statement like so, say, if you're the partner that has premenstrual dysphoric disorder and you're trying to be vulnerable with your partner again, this is a lot of times where this conversational narcissism comes in is when you're open and vulnerable about how the state that you're in. So you, you know, you may say something like I feel like I'm not myself right now. Everything is really irritating me. Maybe you're in your luteal phase and you're like everything is really irritating me right now. Like I don't know what's going on. I just don't feel like myself. And you're just expressing this to your partner. Well, the partner who has the conversational narcissism says yeah, you have been acting different, you know.

Speaker 1 13:41

It reminds me of how my ex used to be during her PMS. It's really hard to deal with. I had this happen to me a lot of times and this is me talking. I know I'm doing the scripting because I feel like it really helps you all and now it helps my private clients. But I had this.

Speaker 1 13:59

I would start to be open and vulnerable with a partner and they would almost use it against me. They would almost shame me for the PMDD symptoms that I was having. Like I would be open and take accountability, like, yeah, I'm feeling different, I'm feeling this way. And they're like, yeah, my ex used to do this, you know, and it was so hard for me and it's so hard being with someone who has mood swings and their moods are up and down and I don't have mood swings. Like, my moods are always the same. So they make it about their discomfort about being with you, instead of addressing the emotional cry for support If I'm being open and vulnerable and honest with you about the state that I'm in. I'm doing that so that you can help me, not blame me and shame me for the state that I'm in.

Speaker 1 14:41

That I didn't ask for A lot of times. When you're in your luteal phase and you're having these symptoms, you're not asking to feel like that, you're just noticing that it's. You're feeling off and what you would want is for your partner to empathize with the fact that you're feeling differently in a way that you didn't ask for. It's not based off of anything that you haven't done, like a lack of self-care. I know for me, when I was exhausted, I could sleep for hours and hours and hours and hours and still feel exhausted. So it wasn't that I wasn't taking care of myself by prioritizing my sleep. It was just like when I'm in my luteal phase, I can sleep for a very long time, like even now 10 to 11 to 12 hours and still feel exhausted. But when you're redirecting the conversation to yeah, I'm tired too, then it's like you have no empathy for the state that I'm in. Like I'm just explaining to you that I'm so tired, I'm so exhausted, that you almost get a little bit like well, it doesn't matter how much rest that I'm going to get, I'm still going to be tired. That was the state that I was in. I was literally feeling like I could sleep for 12 hours and I'm still going to be tired and exhausted. And I wanted kind of some empathy with that, like, yeah, that might be a little bit hard for you, but what I was getting was, yeah, I'm exhausted too, so kind of make it seem like you're on the same. You're even Like no one should feel more bad about you than them, right?

Speaker 1 16:03

So the next thing that a conversational narcissist will do, or someone who has conversational narcissism, is they interrupt you in order to relate, like you're telling a story. You may be saying something like I'm scared, I'm pushing you away again, and you're trying to explain how you feel. Like you're pushing your partner away because you're in your luteal phase and maybe you're not giving them enough attention and you're feeling guilty about it. And then they're like, yeah, I get it. I had the same fear with my last relationship. That's why I broke up with her. And it's like wait a minute. They're basically interrupting your vulnerable moment to share their past experience, which isn't helpful in the moment, like a lot of times when you're trying to number one you need to keep it present on your current relationship.

Speaker 1 16:48

A lot of times when things happen have happened in the past and you're seeing a pattern, you as a partner, you may freak out and be like, oh my gosh, this is what's going to happen again. And then all of a sudden you start talking about past experiences, past relationships you know, or even past experiences that you've had in your current relationship. You may be saying, yeah, I remember you used to do this all the time. Or here you go again. I bet you're about to start shutting down on me.

Signs You're Experiencing Conversational Narcissism

Speaker 1 17:12

I used to get that comment all the time where I would just get a little bit quiet and I'm like, yeah, I'm feeling a little bit off and it's like, yeah, you know how you get in your luteal phase. You know how you get in PMDD. You know how you get in your luteal phase. You know how you get in PMDD. I bet you're in PMDD right now and sometimes I was in PMDD and sometimes I wasn't.

Speaker 1 17:26

But either way, getting blamed and shamed for the state that I was in, was that conversational narcissism? It was almost like interrupting what I'm saying and kind of finishing my sentence Like yeah, I already know how you feel. Like I don't even pretty much like saying I don't even need you to finish explaining, I already know what's going on. You're assuming that you know what's going on. So you're shutting down that communication from your partner, opening up to you and being vulnerable because you feel like you're one upping them Like oh, I already know what's going on with you. Like maybe you've done a lot of research in PMDD and your partner's trying to. Who has PMDD is trying to say, hey, I'm feeling like this. It's like I already know how you're feeling because, according to, according to my research, you know during this phase of your cycle, you should feel like this or you should feel like that. And it's like wait a minute, like give your partner the opportunity and the chance to express themselves without interrupting them and assuming that you know how they're feeling. So this goes into the next one, which is the one upping. This is very, very common.

Speaker 1 18:22

You may say I cried three times today for no reason and then your partner says you think that's bad. The partner with the conversational narcissism you think that's bad? I had to deal with two angry clients today, back to back, and I didn't even get a break. So they're basically dismissing the feelings by competing with their own stress and, to be quite honest, we all have stressful situations in our lives. But if you're in competition again by saying you're digging up things that you have going on in your life to compare to one up and basically say what I have going on is more stressful than what you have going on, so then the next thing is the dismissive comparison. Like the partner who has PMDD may say I feel like I'm going crazy every single month when I'm in my luteal phase.

Speaker 1 19:06

And then the partner may say everyone feels off sometimes, like you're not the only one who has emotions. So basically they downplay and generalize what you're experiencing instead of validating the specific experiences of PMDD. They're saying just because you have PMDD doesn't mean that you're the only one that has emotions. And it's like well, I wasn't telling you that to say that I'm the only one that has emotions, I wasn't mentioning that I'm the only one suffering, I'm just talking about the state that I'm in. So another thing is self-referencing advice. So I don't know like the partner who has PMDD might say I don't know how to stop snapping advice. So I don't know, like the partner who has, you know, pmdd might say I don't know how to stop snapping at you. I don't know how to stop going off on you. Am I luteal phase? Just every single time I'm in my luteal phase, I'm in PMDD, I end up going off on you.

Speaker 1 19:53

And then your partner says, well, I used to be super reactive too, you know, I just stopped taking things so seriously. Maybe you should try that. So they shift the focus to their own success story, while ignoring the state that you're in, like you're being again. You're being open and vulnerable and saying, hey, I'm having a really hard time going off on you, and maybe they're a partner who's been working on themselves and now they're like, hey, well, maybe you should just try, you know, taking a deep breath. Or maybe you should try taking a walk, like I used to be like that, but I'm not like that anymore. So maybe you should try that.

Speaker 1 20:28

That's conversational narcissism, because you're taking the focus off of what your partner is saying that they're struggling with and putting on it on you and your own success story and about all of the work that you've been doing, by overshadowing the state that they're in. It's not their fault that they're having issues with still going off. That means they still have work to do. But you don't need to blame them and shame them by saying, like you're in this place, like you're down here and I'm up here, that's what is insinuating that you are the one that still needs to do work. I have already been in that place, been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Speaker 1 20:59

So the next one is blame disguises, empathy. Like I feel like I'm ruining our relationship every month, right. And then so maybe you're saying this, you're being open and vulnerable and say I really feel like I'm I'm ruining our relationship every month. And then the partner is saying you know, I mean, it does get really hard to be around you sometimes. I try, but it's not easy for me either. Like I have a really hard time being around you. So I could see why you feel like you're ruining our relationship. So they're subtly centering their own suffering instead of creating a safe space for you to have that kind of confession and that openness and that vulnerability. Because what's happening here in every scenario is one partner is being open and vulnerable about the state that they're in, and then the conversational narcissist will blame them and shame them for the state that they're in instead of having empathy.

Speaker 1 21:50

And then the next thing is changing the subject. This is really common. When you're kind of walking on eggshells and you're dealing with someone that doesn't really want to address emotions, right, they're like I feel so alone right now. And then the partner will say did you see that new show on Netflix? It might cheer you up, like, maybe you should just go watch a show, maybe you should watch a movie. So they're basically emotionally disconnecting instead of staying present in the discomfort with their partner. Or maybe their partner is saying you know, I'm feeling really lonely right now and it's like okay, babe, I'm about to go to the store, do you need anything? It's like wait a minute, I'm being open and vulnerable. This is a cry for emotions. I'm trying to get my needs met. I'm trying to connect with you and you're immediately changing the subject. You're immediately emotionally disconnecting because you feel like you don't want to deal with those emotions right now.

Speaker 1 22:34

And then the next thing we have is the performative listening, where you may say I need to talk about what happened yesterday. It's really upsetting me. And then your partner says, okay, sure, but can we make it quick? I got a lot going on too, so that they're offering a shallow space that centers their time and their convenience, not true presence. So now, if you bring something up, you know that they're rushing to get through it in the conversation. Like maybe I've had this happen with a client where they're like, hey, you know, we need to have a session with Dr Rose about what happened, you know, last week, like it's still really bothering me and I really want to talk about it in a safe space, and they're like we don't need to, we don't need to go on a session, let's just talk about it right now. So they're thinking that they could just, instead of having a session where we go in depth with what happened in the relationship, they're thinking that they could just have a quick talk about it and then that's it.

Speaker 1 23:22

A lot of times when you go on private sessions with me, you know they're typically 90 minutes and it takes 90 minutes or more to really get to the depth of just one scenario, to get to a place where I'm understanding where you both are coming from and then giving you the tools about what you can do moving forward. But it's not a quick conversation. It's not like, hey, this is what happened, give us the advice. It's not a quick fix, but a lot of times when you have this conversational narcissist, they're only willing to go surface level on the issue. They're not willing to get into depths about what happened. Because you have to be open and you have to be. You're basically admitting like, yeah, I probably handled the situation wrong. So overall, when it comes to conversational narcissism, you're invalidating your partner's experience.

Speaker 1 24:17

When the partner is consistently redirecting the conversation back to themselves, your partner is feeling invisible. They're feeling not heard. They're feeling not seen. They're feeling not seen. They're feeling not supported and then they're going to begin to shut down communication. They're going to say, well, it's always going to end up being about them. So what's the point? What is the point? So it leads to a lack of emotional safety. Then they don't feel safe opening up their emotions to you because they feel like their emotions are going to get hijacked. They're going to get hijacked, they're going to get redirected.

Speaker 1 24:44

All of these examples that I've given to you. Your partner is going to begin to assume that this is what's going to happen in the relationship and it doesn't feel good. I've been there. It does not feel good to be on the other end of trying to be open and connecting with your partner and feeling like you're getting shut down, feeling like your emotions don't matter, and so it's going to fuel the monthly PMDD breakups and the conflict. So eventually one person is either going to explode in rage because they're going to feel like they're not getting seen and heard, or they're just going to shut down communication. So they try to talk, they're interrupted, they're talked over, they're dismissed. They feel rejected, they feel not seen, not heard, their partner is calling them irrational, their partner is calling them dramatic, all of these things. So you start to not even trust communication with your partner because it doesn't feel good. So it leads to emotional exhaustion for both of you. Both of you are going to be exhausted with having communications where you're not feeling seen, you're not feeling heard and it's going to break down the intimacy.

Speaker 1 25:42

Part of intimacy is communication. It basically means that you're able to go to your partner and say, hey, this is what I have going on and you're feeling like your partner really hears you. You're feeling like your partner really sees you. But when you're having this pattern of conversational narcissism, it's like you're going into the conversation trying to connect, but you're never really connected. So then you're in a relationship but you feel lonely. You feel lonely in the relationship. Even though you're technically in the relationship, even though you go to talk to your partner, you still feel like you're alone. You still feel like you have to deal with everything that goes on emotionally in the relationship by yourself, because your partner doesn't get it. And it's kind of like this masking where the partner who does the conversational narcissism is like oh yeah, I totally know how you feel.

The Damage to PMDD Relationships

Speaker 1 26:27

I went through the same thing and a lot of times. Your partner hasn't gone through the same thing and you can't assume and you shouldn't assume, even if you've gone through something similar, you can still need to get to a place where you're listening to what is going on with your partner, even if you feel like you know that your partner is suffering and maybe they're suffering with the same pattern every month. So you're like, oh, here they go again. I'm going to give you some tools about what you can do when you find yourself in this pattern, and what I want you to do is let go of the pride, let go of the ego. If you find yourself in this situation where some of the scenarios that I've mentioned you're commonly doing them. Don't feel bad about yourself. Just take accountability and say this is something that I need to work on.

Speaker 1 27:13

So the first tool is if you notice that you have this pattern of doing the conversational narcissism is the 80-20 rule. What that means is when you're going into communication with your partner and you know that they're trying to open up with you, you know they're trying to be vulnerable. You know they want to feel seen, they want to feel heard, aim to listen 80% of the time and speak 20%. So an example of this is when your partner is coming to you and they're saying something like oh, you know I'm feeling horrible this month, or you know I'm feeling really stressed out, instead of you immediately interjecting and saying, yeah, that's just like when I, you know, was going to work today. Like, don't say that. Instead of, instead of going off into a story about what's going on with you, say tell me more about what you're feeling right now.

Speaker 1 28:06

The reason why conversational narcissism is so common for narcissists is because it's all about them and there is a lack of empathy in their communication. This is the missing link. The tools that I'm going to give you is leaning into being an empathetic PMDD partner. This is for the partner that has premenstrual dysphoric disorder or the partner that doesn't. When you have conversational narcissism, your responses are not immediately empathetic. You're always thinking about yourself. You're always thinking, like I said, about how to one-up them or how to compare or how to compete or do all of these things, because it's all about you and how the situation is making you look. So when you do this, when you say, tell me more about how you're feeling right now, it reduces the urge to hijack the conversation. You may have the urge because you may have been in a habit of doing this.

Practical Tools to Break the Pattern

Speaker 1 29:01

When you find yourself talking about yourself, like that's just like when I you can kind of pull it back and say you know what? Tell me more about what you're feeling right now. Keep the focus on one of your partner's experience. Remember they came to talk to you. And even if you came to talk to them and they start talking about things that are going on with them, keep the focus on them for a minute. Just let them get out how they're experiencing and then you can move back on to what's going on with you. So the next tool is to repeat back what you heard before adding your own thoughts, right. So basically, what you're saying is so you're feeling overwhelmed and scared, I'll pull away again, is that right? So you're asking the question to make sure that what you're perceiving that they're saying in your mind is actually what they're saying. This helps show the other person, your partner, that you're hearing them, you're understanding them and you're keeping the focus on their emotions. The next thing that's really going to help you when your partner starts to say something you know where they're being open and vulnerable, about how they're feeling, really take a deep breath and count to whatever you need to count to and really, when you notice that you have this pattern, ask yourself am I responding to support or am I shifting the focus on myself?

Speaker 1 30:16

I had to do this because my partner was coming to me with a lot of complaining and I had a hard time with hearing complaining because it sounded really negative to me and I really had to understand that sometimes people have the personality that complaining is part of how they process things. I don't process things like that. I process things internally, and so I had to really understand what my partner was needing. My partner was really needing me to keep the focus on them. They weren't needing me to fix their situation. They weren't needing me to give them advice. They were needing me to just listen to what it is that they had going on, and that was really, really hard for me. So I used this tool. Instead of interrupting them and instead of getting the impulse to try to fix it for them or offer them advice, I just listened and the next thing I did I used like a timer. This really worked.

Speaker 1 31:13

Meaning, if you know that your partner has something to talk to you about and say, if they want to talk about an issue that you had last week, like a conversation that you had, use a little timer. I've done this in client sessions where each partner gets like five minutes to tell their side of the story. You're not going to interrupt and you just say let's take five minutes, and what this does is it creates a balance in the communication and it ensures both of you are heard without the irritability and the stress of the other person interrupting them with their emotional response. A lot of times, if you're and I've seen this on sessions where you're trying to say what happened in the situation and the partner immediately puts the focus no, this is what really happened. Or you know, dr Rose, this is what really happened. No, I put the other person on mute, I give a timer and I allow that person to get the full story of what happened, according to their view, and then I'll go to the other partner and I say what is your version of that story? That's the next thing you do.

Speaker 1 32:11

If you notice that you're in that realm of that conversational narcissism, is you ask clarifying questions, what part of that felt most intense for you? You're keeping the conversation centered on your partner's experience instead of putting it back on your experience. You're asking them what part of that triggered you the most. When I did that, your partner is going to be really appreciative because they're going to think that you care enough to ask how your actions triggered them, without trying to defend yourself and getting defensive, right? Okay so, and then the next thing you can do is use these mantras so I'm always big on mantras right? You say I want to understand and I don't want to interrupt you. So, basically, are you saying this? Okay, so you're letting yourself know that this is what you're doing.

Speaker 1 32:55

This moment is about hearing you, not fixing you. You're telling your partner what your intentions are. I'm in this conversation to hear you. I'm not trying to fix you. I'm in this conversation to hear you. I'm not trying to fix you. I'm just trying to understand where you're coming from. It resets your intentions, not only to your partner but also to yourself. When you feel tempted to make it about you, you can literally say out loud okay, I'm here to hear what's going on with you. I'm in this conversation to hear what's going on with you. And then the next thing you can do is practice you-focused responses Shift. The next thing you can do is practice you-focused responses. Shift the I to you.

Speaker 1 33:28

When your partner is being open and vulnerable, say you've been caring so much today I can see how heavy that is. That's very empathetic. That's an empathetic response versus I know how that is, I had a bad day too. When you find yourself impulsively doing this, getting into that conversational narcissism, remember your responses are supposed to put the focus on your partner, not yourself. And I know you may be thinking like oh my goodness, then when am I going to get my feelings heard? When am I going to get my emotions heard? When you focus more about pouring into your partner, your needs are automatically going to be met, because when your partner feels seen and heard, then they go to those prompts of trying to lean into you. Once your partner feels seen and heard, then they'll probably come to you and say you know, thanks for listening to me. How are you feeling about that? Or you know, however, they talk like you know, not being very generic, but just say yeah, I understand that this is probably hard for you too. And then the next thing is the last one is designate times to have these conversations right.

Speaker 1 34:28

Create specific days to have conversations about things that are going on in your PMDD relationship. This is the prime time to have those sessions with me. When my clients are having sessions with me, they're talking about the issues that are going on in their relationship that are really, really hard, and maybe they don't want to talk about them during certain phases of their cycles, during their luteal phase, during PMDD, because they want to have a safe space. Well, when you do that, you're basically making the focus about your partner. When we have the sessions, I pretty much do all the work for you. I create the timers, I make sure that both partners feel heard, I make sure that you get the tools, I make sure that it doesn't become all about one partner and not the other. And it really helps you to get out of the cycle because when you have the private sessions with me, you get used to having conversations that are not centered around conversational narcissism it's not centered around these bad habits and then when you create the pattern on the private sessions, when you start talking to your partner, you start using the tools again and again, and again, and it makes it easier to get rid of the conversational narcissism that's so damaging to your PMDD relationship and just talk to your partner in a way that's more empathetic. Your partner feels more seen, they feel more heard, they feel more validated, they feel more supported and then, in turn, both partners get their needs met in the PMDD relationship. Again, if this is something that you need help with, we're still in the month of July.

Speaker 1 35:54

I have about four private sessions that are available right now on the books. You don't have to use a code. I know a lot of you were DMing me and talking about. You want to use the $100 off for the sessions. I have already marked it down. All you have to do is go to inlovewithpmddcom, get those private sessions and I will see you in there Until next time. We got this. I love you.