PMDD Is Sabotaging Your Relationship!

Me Before PMDD: Relationship Reset Toolkit-Couples

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Have you been pretending to be okay during your luteal phase just to keep the peace? After returning from two transformative weeks in Tokyo with my 16-year-old daughter, I've had a profound realization about how we sabotage our PMDD relationships without even knowing it.

While navigating Tokyo's complex train systems and immersing ourselves in Japanese culture during my luteal phase, I discovered something unexpected - the freedom that comes with authenticity. As I watched my daughter blossom in an environment that aligned with who she truly is, I recognized how many of us hide our true selves in our most intimate relationships.

The biggest relationship saboteur? Expecting consistency instead of embracing cyclic reality. When we pressure ourselves or our partners to show up the same way regardless of where we are in our cycle, we create an impossible standard that leads to resentment. During my trip, I practiced openly communicating my needs for rest without guilt or shame, which created deeper connection despite being in my luteal phase.

Other relationship destroyers include forcing "normal" communication standards during symptomatic days, holding rigid relationship roles that prevent vulnerability, comparing your relationship to others, and equating PMDD symptoms with your true personality. Each of these patterns creates emotional distance that eventually affects every aspect of your relationship.

What truly struck me was realizing how many of us fear showing our authentic selves in every phase of our cycle. If you're only showing your partner the "best version" of yourself, how can they truly love and accept all of you? This fear – whether of abandonment, rejection, or simply not being cared for – prevents the deep connection necessary for relationship satisfaction.

Ready to break these patterns and create a sustainable PMDD relationship? Connect with me on Instagram @DrRose_inlovewithPMDD to learn more about my monthly PMDD relationship counseling program, where we create customized strategies to help both partners thrive through every phase of the cycle.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome back. Today. I am back from Japan, I just got back from Tokyo and I have so much to share with you. We've been gone for two weeks here on the podcast and, for those of you who are new, because I've gotten a lot of new individuals, I am Dr Rose, your PMDD Relationship Psychotraumatologist. I hope you stopped the monthly PMDD breakups and I have taken a two week break because it was my daughter's 10th birthday and so we went and spent two weeks in Tokyo and it was amazing. It was so transformative.

Back from Tokyo with Insights

Speaker 1 0:41

I had to think about the word. I'm like what word would really describe the journey that I've been on the last two weeks and everything that has happened and I really wanted to share with you. But I wanted to give that time to my daughter. You know a lot of times I am doing all of these other things and for her birthday I like to spend intentional time. Even though we do so often on a consistent basis, we spend that one-on-one consistent time where we're really just checking in with each other. I like to give experiences for birthdays to where you are getting my full attention. I'm fully immersed, and I did that for her. So the reason why I chose Japan was because she is in love with anime. She's in love with the drawing of anime. She self-taught, so she taught herself Japanese. She's done that for the last couple of years. She cooks Japanese food. We buy the groceries from the Japanese stores here and I really was just in this place of when I was thinking about her 16th birthday.

Speaker 1 1:44

I was really thinking about who she was as an individual, who she was as a person, because I really believe that the greatest gift that you can give your child is the ability to see them, and not for who you want them to be, but who they actually are. And I think a lot of times as parents we get frustrated because we have this vision of how we want our child to be and it could be based off of past trauma. I have a lot of clients like that, where it's like they don't want them to go down the path that they went through. So they're really strict with them on certain areas because they want to make sure that they get their education, they want to make sure that they get straight A's, they want to make sure that they have perfect attendance, they want to make sure that they do all those things. But you really sometimes in that process you really miss seeing who your child really is, and so I think it's really important to pay attention over the years as to how your child is developing independently, outside of what you're telling them to do, like how they actually are.

Speaker 1 2:44

So, as a mom of a 16 year old, I have done this for years, and when I thought about giving her a gift for her 16th birthday, it wasn't a matter of a materialistic thing. I'm not very materialistic as far as like, oh, I'm going to give her this or I'm going to give her that, but when it comes to experiences, to where we can make memories, that's where I will absolutely invest, which I didn't, because, like Japan is very it's weird because it's expensive to get there, but then once you get there, it's very affordable. So I was like you know what I'm going to make, that investment to spend those two weeks with her. And when? I did that? Because I could have chosen a lot of different places. You know, we've been to Hawaii, we've been to Mexico, we've been Barcelona, we've been, like a lot of other places where we absolutely love and adore. We've been to Dubai, we've been to Jordan, we've been to Turkey, and I was like where is the place that she hasn't been. But it's most in alignment with who she is and I was like that's Japan 100%. And so she never asked me to go.

Seeing Your Child for Who They Are

Speaker 1 3:56

And I think a lot of times when people have heard that I went, they're automatically assuming like, oh, she asked to go there, like she asked to go. She never because she's to go. She never because she's very modest, she's very grateful, she's a sweetheart and she would never ask me to go even if she really, really wanted to. I know she's just not in that place where she would be like mommy, I want to go. So I said, hey, we're going here. And she said okay, and she was a little bit nervous to go because she hadn't practiced her language with individuals that are authentic to Japan. She had this, you know, kind of misconception. I don't want to say misconception, but she had this insecurity about being a mixed OK, so we're mixed, we're black and Panamanian, african-american and Panamanian. On my mom's side they're Panamanian and on my dad's Panamanian, african-american and Panamanian. On my mom's side they're Panamanian and on my dad's side they're African-American.

Speaker 1 4:53

And she knows that the Japanese culture, they value keeping their skin light and bright. And so when I first told her hey, I call her pretty girl. I'm like hey, pretty girl, we're going to Japan for your birthday. She's like oh, I don't know if you know, but they don't like Brown people. And so I was just like what? Like I'm, because in my mind I don't want her being completely enmeshed, immersed in love with a country that she's scared to go to because of the color of her skin. Like I was, like your skin is beautiful, you're beautiful, your character is very in line with Japan. Like I was like you dress very modestly, just like they do in Japan which I'll get into that in a minute but she's very much in alignment with that culture. So I was like I think you'll be okay.

Speaker 1 5:42

And so when we were going there, she was just like I don't know. So basically, she had this fear and she had this insecurity and, as her mother, you know my job and my role is her co-pilot in life. That's what I've always thought since she was a little child. It's not to tell her who to be or make her be a certain way. I'm her co-pilot, I am, I am very observant of where it is, the direction that she wants to go, and then I'm just guiding her and giving her the safety measures of what that looks like, and so I knew that I was gonna be in my luteal phase of a PMDD. I think I was starting day eight when I was getting there, so the whole time I was gonna be in my luteal phase. So I was kind of just measuring what that was going to look like, and that's why I'm recording this episode today, to really just give you insight, not just about how things are with your partner, but a lot of things came up.

Speaker 1 6:34

I only had two clients while I was there, because I pushed off a couple of my other clients who had conflicting schedules with the Japanese time zone, like it's literally opposite of California where I live. For those of you who don't know, I live in California and so the time difference was completely the opposite. But there were two clients that were able to maintain it and I was really able to help them while I was there, and I want to kind of give you some insight on the tools that I gave them that really, really helped them while I was there, some insight on the tools that I gave them that really really helped them while I was there. So when we got there.

Speaker 1 7:12

The first thing was I have a morning routine. I talk about my morning routine all the time and something just told me and I really believe it was the Holy Spirit, you know, because I was doing my morning routine and he was just like I was praying. And he was just like don't do your normal morning routine when you get there. And I was just like, what are you doing? Like I was shocked because I had my workout clothes and my suitcase, I had all of these things and I was completely planning on still doing my morning routine and then doing activities with her afterwards. And something really told me, like, don't do that. Just like completely amass yourself in what it is that she wants to do, which was I knew it was going to be hard, because I'm a person of routine. I'm like, okay, I don't know what I think is going to happen, like what the bad thing is going to happen if I don't do my morning routine, but it really just is. I know that I feel my best when I do all of the things that I plug into my morning routine. So I feel like I'm putting myself at risk every single time that I'm not doing the things that I know, make me feel good.

Speaker 1 8:12

So I was like, okay, but this is her 16th birthday. She only has this once. This is very monumental. So I was committed to living in the land of her. And she is completely opposite from me. I am an early bird. She sleeps in. Yeah, I'm high energy. She's kind of like, she's so chill. She has her moments with her friends where she's like laughing and she's loud and blah, but most of the time she's very much cool, calm and collected. And so it was very interesting for me to kind of immerse myself into her world while being in PMDD. And so I was kind of like, okay, let me see how this is going to be, because a lot of times, when it comes to parenting and being in my luteal phase and being in PMDD, a lot of times that is regulated by me doing all the things that make me feel my best. Therefore, it's not directly my PMDD is not directly impacting my parenting.

Navigating Fears and Cultural Immersion

Speaker 1 9:10

But I was like, okay, I'm not going to do my morning routine. What is that going to look like for me as a mom, me as a parent? So the first day I was like, all right, I'm not going to wake her up early and I'm not going to go to the gym. Those are the two things that I would normally do If we were on vacation. We were just in Mexico a month ago and that was basically what I was doing. I always let her sleep in. So as a mom, I recognize her sleep chronotype Like she's a bear, which meaning she and I did the test on her. She wakes up later in the day. She's best like midday and then later in the day. You know, cognitively she's good. So homework because I homeschool her, all of the things start pretty much afternoon, literally after 12 PM, noon, because I give her her morning to just have a slow morning. For me, I like to wake up early and go, go, go, go go.

Speaker 1 9:58

So while we were there in Tokyo, we had VIP breakfast. So basically we would go down to the lobby of the hotel and they would pick a table for us with a sign, like a little reserve sign, whichever time that we came down and we would be able to do this buffet breakfast where we can have fresh omelets, fresh fruit, like all of these things that they had made. I had ramen, curry ramen every single day that was made fresh, like made to order. Everything was pristine, breakfast started at 6.45 and guess what? Ironically, she was waking up every morning at like 6.15. And I don't know if it's because of time difference with California, but every morning she was waking up at 6.15 and then she was getting dressed and we were ready for breakfast by 6.45. We would go down to the lobby and we would sit at a table Sometimes it was indoors and sometimes it was outdoors, depending on the weather and we would have breakfast and she wouldn't have her headphones on, we wouldn't be on our phones and we would just be sitting across from each other and just talking about the day.

Speaker 1 11:08

I had a different activity for us to do every single day. I didn't bombard our schedule. Even though Japan and Tokyo has so much to see, so much to do, I know that she gets pretty overwhelmed and overstimulated around being a lot of people. So I was like, okay, one thing a day and then give her time to recharge back in the room. So that was my plan. So my plan was to do an afternoon activity. Let us have a slow morning afternoon activity and then be back, for us to come back in the evening, and that actually worked perfectly. So this is what our day looked like in Japan.

Speaker 1 11:45

We would get up in the morning, go to breakfast and then after breakfast which was amazing I had what I called my egg man, where, basically, he was at the omelet station. He only spoke Japanese and I would say I wanted a mixed omelet, which is basically like egg with all of the ingredients that they have for a mixed omelet. He made it for me and I remember the first day and I was coming there smiling, I didn't really know the language and he was like you happy, like, I'm happy too, like, and he was like so when he gave me the omelet, he was like see you tomorrow. And I just loved his energy and so I did see him tomorrow for about nine days. Every single day I went back there, I had the exact same thing and I think I loved it because we were feeding off of each other's energy and I was learning how to speak the language more and more clearly.

Speaker 1 12:38

Arigato gozaimasu, which means thank you very much, and my daughter was very well-versed in the language and the mannerisms. So here's what I want to tell you A lot of times as a parent, you think you know best, you're like you need to do this and you need to do that and maybe you've done the research on this and blah, blah, blah this was her lane. I was completely allowing her to lead in a way that she needed confidence that she could lead. So when she was saying like I was speaking too loud, because in that culture they kind of they speak very softly, and then almost like in a baby voice, I noticed that because when she was talking I was like why are you talking in a baby voice? Like it's, it's so good, like it was so weird to hear like she would go from talking regular to me. And then she was like and I was just like what's going on? But she was like that's how they talk and it's like very respectful. So by the time I left there I was speaking exactly like them. I went from like yelling, you know, and and I was like so I let her lead and it gave her a lot of confidence and that's what I wanted for her.

Speaker 1 13:52

When your child becomes a young adult and you're about to put them out into the world, it is very important that they are confident in their own abilities, outside of what it is that you are providing for them, outside of what it is that you are guiding them to do. It's very important that they have an opinion. It's very important that they're able opinion. It's very important that they're able to have good decision-making skills, and I think that a lot of times we can get rigid with that. You know, as parenting, you know I talk a lot about here on intimate relationships as far as partners, but as a parent, you can get very authoritative. You know you need to do this and you need to do that because you think that you know best, because you live longer than them, and I know that the life that I would desire for my daughter to live is not the life that I have lived. That's one thing that I discovered. I'm like okay, the way I live my life is not the way that she's going to live her life, because we don't have the same personality. I absolutely know that I love to pack my schedule, I love to be on the go, I love to do all these things, and she loves to do things and have space for herself, and so I need to help her cultivate what that looks like.

Speaker 1 15:00

So on this trip I was like let me see how she is in the driver's seat. It was almost like a learner's permit. I want to see what it's like for you to drive the car and what your life will look like. And so for this whole two weeks I let it be completely. Hey, like, what do you think we should do next? And so I planned the activity. I was her co-pilot. I planned the activities. I planned them at a time that was conducive to her.

Speaker 1 15:25

I didn't go to the gym After breakfast. We would get up and then we would go on a walk and it was sweltering hot in Tokyo. I don't know what I was thinking about, looking at the weather, but it was hot to the fact that you could be walking down the street, going on a walk like we did every day. We walked for like 30, 45 minutes and I was sweating and needed to take a shower when I got in. But on that walk we were just talking to each other and just talking about the day and talking about the conversation that she'd have with her friends, and it was just. It was so good to have that time with her and it was very calming.

Speaker 1 16:01

And I remember the first couple of days I kept having a little bit of anxiety, like I need to do this and I need to do that because I wasn't doing all of the things that I would normally do in my morning routine. I wasn't moving my body, I wasn't doing this and I was just like you know what It'll get done, it'll get done, but this is not the time. This is about her. And so I was calm. I was calm, cool and collected when we went on activities. We went to Disney Tokyo or Tokyo Disneyland and then we went to Tokyo Disney Sea, which is a Disney park that is only in Tokyo, which is freaking amazing.

Letting Her Lead the Way

Speaker 1 16:39

I went to a rave called Ultra. It's an annual rave that's called Ultra and they had it in Tokyo this year and I was able to go. So the first two days I went to a rave, then we went to Tokyo Disney, then we went to go to see Mount Fuji, Then we went to go to see all these other. They had like a Statue of Liberty thing there. They had the Mexican Dia de los Muertos, so Day of the Dead. They had their ceremony and their whole festival there while we were in Tokyo.

Speaker 1 17:09

So the week that we went was very popular because it was a lot of different events that were going on, but I made sure that I didn't jam pack it. I dressed completely different because the Japanese culture is very modest and I made sure that I did that. And what I was seeing as the days were going on, I literally felt like I was watching her and it was like a flower was blossoming because she was living in alignment and that has been my word for this season. This season of my life has really been alignment, living in alignment with who you are, how you feel, what it is that you're thinking. And she was absolutely doing that and I was letting her guide me and I wasn't feeling like I should know, should know that like no, like she's the one that's been immersed in this culture for so long, she's the one that loves this stuff.

Speaker 1 17:57

We went to go dress up in our kimonos and when we got dressed for our kimonos because they put you in the corset, they dress you. It takes like over an hour just to get you in it and she was speaking in Japanese to the you know, authentic Japanese individuals and they were like oh my goodness. They told me like her Japanese is so good and she was like so happy because all of the misconceptions that she was thinking about Japanese people don't like Brown people and like there was going to be all of this like racism and integration and all this Like my goal was fulfilled because she was able to be all of this like racism and integration and all this like my goal was fulfilled because she was able to see that they were so kind, they were so loving, they were so accepting of her and the fact that she had gone out of her way. Um, I found out that she was like looking at their mannerisms, like on youtube, and just making sure that she was bowing the way that they wanted them to bow, like it was so many things that she was bowing the way that they wanted them to bow, like it was so many things that she was doing to show respect to their culture that I was just so proud of, because the best thing that you can do is to nurture the version of your child that they are truly connecting to.

Speaker 1 19:04

I never introduced her to the Japanese culture. We lived in Hawaii. I never introduced her to the Japanese culture. We lived in Hawaii. We did live in Hawaii when she was from the age of two to five and then again from the age of seven to nine, so she did have that time of having, like her nanny when she was younger, was Japanese and then in Hawaii there's a lot of the Japanese culture. So she's always loved the food, but it was her idea to immerse herself in Japanese culture. So she's always loved the food, but it was her idea to immerse herself in this culture. And my gift to her was to extend what it is that she was passionate about. She's always drawing anime. Any chances she can get outside of schoolwork she is just drawing something and blah, blah, blah, blah and it's just. I love that for her.

Speaker 1 19:48

And so we went to an activity and the trains the trains in Japan are packed with people. There's so many different lines and colors and orange and yellow line and green line, and we were going to all these different activities and I was putting it in my maps and I was saying I need to go here and I need to go there, and I was journaling in between because I just wanted to really like journal about my whole experience, real time, because we would have like 45 minutes on one route to the train and I just remember going in the wrong direction on one of the train rides and then catching myself and being like, oh my gosh, I'm supposed to go the other way. So I had let's get off the train and go the other way. And I felt so much gratitude in not being blamed and shamed for going the wrong way. I felt so much gratitude and so much calmness in my nervous system that, even though I was navigating all of these different things, I never felt anxious about it. And I remember talking to my friend, my best friend, and she was just like I could never do that, like I can't believe you're so brave, I can't believe you did that. But I think what gave me the confidence to navigate that different country that I'd never been to and go on their trains and then get out in the streets and go all these places, is no one was ever telling me that if I made a wrong turn, if I made a mistake, that it was a reflection of me Like oh my gosh, I can't believe you did that. And criticizing me and blaming me. And I had been in so many relationships in my past that were so toxic in that way that I would feel blamed and shamed and I would try to hide from my mistakes because I didn't want to hear the backlash of me making a wrong turn or any of these things.

Speaker 1 21:40

I remember I was on this train ride, we were going to this activity and I had gone on the wrong direction. And then I got myself back on the right direction, but I noticed when I was going through the train station, my daughter wasn't standing beside me in front of all these people. In my mind, I was just like I really want her to stand beside me, but she kept standing behind me and then it took me a minute to really recognize what was happening. She was standing behind me because she was following me and every single time that I made a wrong turn, she never even recognized it. She was on her phone, on her headphones, listening to music or listening to anime, and because I was calm in what it is that I was doing, then she stayed calm and so I was like wait a minute, why is it?

Speaker 1 22:31

A lot of times and I was dealing with my client with this while I was there you can really unintentionally sabotage your relationship by holding these preconceived notions of how your partner should be, how they should behave, how they should speak and how they did this. And so that's what I was experiencing, because I felt like the version of myself that I was in when I was making all those wrong turns in the train station would absolutely be called out by another partner because it wasn't consistent with my normal behavior. So normally I'm bubbly, I'm lively, I'm all these things, but when I was trying to concentrate and make sure that we got to the red line, to the green line, to the orange line, made it through all these people you don't get to sit down, some trains you have assigned seating. There were so many things that were overwhelming, and so my character and my demeanor shifted, and I remember being in so many PMDD relationships where it wasn't acceptable for me to show up differently than how I was in my follicular phase, and so I really wanted to talk to you today about what it looks like when you're trying to be at that level of perfection and you're unintentionally sabotaging your relationship because your partner is really just not showing up the way that you're expecting them to show up.

Cyclic Reality vs. Consistency Expectations

Speaker 1 23:50

I remember one partner saying I didn't sign up for this, and what they meant was the way that my personality was at the time. I was in my luteal phase, I was more internal, I wasn't my normally bubbly self, and their reaction to that was like I didn't sign up for you to be this version of yourself, and so I felt this pressure of need to act how I am in my follicular phase, the way I am in every single phase of my cycle, and it wasn't realistic for me, but it put a lot of pressure on me and I felt like I couldn't really be myself. I had to be this version of me that I really wasn't in every single situation. So the first thing is expecting consistency instead of cyclic reality. If you are in a PMDD relationship and you're not recognizing that your partner, who has premenstrual dysphoric disorder, is going to live in a cyclic reality, then that's gonna be a problem for the partner, and what that means is understanding that there are four phases of the cycle. This is why I created my course. My Partner has PMDD.

Speaker 1 24:53

Now what it is for you to understand that, even if you love the way your partner is in ovulation and you love the way your partner is in their follicular phase, and maybe you even like the way your partner or you can handle, or you like the way they're in menstruation you may not adjust well to how they are in their luteal phase, and that needs to be addressed because I don't want the partner and this is what I've seen in a lot of my counseling sessions is you're pretending to be satisfied with your partner in their luteal phase, when you're really despising that version of them. You're feeling guilty for even feeling like, oh, I hate them in PMDD, like they'll say it to me but they're not going to say it to their partner. They're not going to say it to their face because they don't know what backlash they're going to get from it. But basically what you're saying is I can accept you in every other phase of your cycle, but when you're in your luteal phase, like that, I don't like that version of you. And what happens is when you expect consistency in every phase of their cycle instead of cyclic reality, you're believing that they should feel and think and act the same way every single day. It really sabotages compassion. You don't have compassion for them because you're feeling like they should show up differently.

Speaker 1 26:08

My partner used to say in the past he'd be like you should just shake it off. And I was just like what, like I didn't know, like there's no shaking off PMDD. But he's basically saying if you pretend like you didn't have PMDD, then you wouldn't really have it and you should just shake it off. And that's what should have been a red flag for me that they can't handle and deal with and accept the version of me that is in my luteal phase and that's okay. Now I'm at a point of acceptance where the luteal version of me is not for everybody, but I need to make sure that I choose individuals that are in my life that can value me, even in my luteal phase.

Speaker 1 26:46

So the next thing is forcing normal standards of communication. So when you're in your luteal phase, when you're experiencing PMDD symptomsal phase, when you're experiencing PMDD symptoms, you're not going to communicate the same way where your partner may be, assuming that communication should always be calm, should always be rational and easy, and it prevents them from making space for the hormonal shifts. Maybe I'm a little bit more quick with my words, maybe I don't elaborate a lot of my needs in my luteal phase. So when you're saying like, oh, you should talk to me this particular way, it invalidates the emotional intensity that happens during the luteal phase and it creates a lot of shame for the individual that has PMDD, they're feeling like wait a minute, like you don't recognize the fact that I am going through premenstrual dysphoric disorder. So excuse me if my tone doesn't sound the same way that it sounds when I'm in my follicular phase.

Speaker 1 27:42

This is not a green card, for I'm not saying you should be able to yell and scream and demean and name call your partner or verbally abuse your partner. But I am saying that if your conversation is a little bit more shorter or it's a little bit more, I remember mine when I was in my luteal phase and I was in a relationship that I would be a little bit more concrete, like it would be very much more factual, less emotional. So that really turned my partner off to be like talking to them logistically, like hey, we need to them logistically, like hey, we need to do this and hey, we need to do that Versus hey, babe, we need to do this. Like they would immediately think that there was something wrong. They would think that you know that they did something, that they could fix it, that they could snap me out of it. And it wasn't a matter of that. It was a matter of I'm suffering with premenstrual dysphoric disorder symptoms. My brain is overly on managing my symptoms, so it's not really in alignment with leaning in emotionally in that way, but it doesn't mean that I have an issue with you.

Speaker 1 28:44

So the next thing that can happen, where you can sabotage your relationship with these unrealistic expectations is you're holding rigid gender or relationship roles, thinking that a partner should always be strong, always be the patient one and the sufferer, should always be loving and always be stable. It blocks the opportunity to embrace vulnerability and emotional support. You should always check in with your partner the partner that has PMDD and the partner that doesn't and see what's really going on with them. Allow them to be authentic to what's really going on and not just think that, oh, because you're my partner, you should always be supportive and you should always be happy and you should always be this. I would rather my partner be completely genuine and open and vulnerable with how they really are, versus them pretending to be an elevated version of who they are Because it's not real, it's fake, it's a scam.

Speaker 1 29:36

I don't want to be with an altered universe version of you, a elevated version of you that doesn't really connect with who I am emotionally. We're not going to grow as a couple, we're not going to grow in love, we're not going to even like each other even more if we don't actually know each other and I think a lot of times in PMDD, because you're the one that's suffering with premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and then for the partner, you're the one dealing with your partner suffering with premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and there's a lot of versions of you that come out when you're in that experience that you're not sharing with your partner, that they absolutely need to see. So you're not sharing with your partner that they absolutely need to see. So you're sabotaging your relationship by closing off that version of you that you are authentically are, because you're thinking that, oh, in order to keep the peace, in order to not have an argument, I need to act like I'm okay with this. If you're not okay with something, do not act like you're okay with it, because eventually you are going to burn out and you're going to blow up and it's going to come out in a way that is not going to be conducive to your relationship. It's going to be damaging, there's going to be a lot of shame and a lot of guilt, but it is not sustainable for you to hold in every emotion that you have with your PMDD partner and the next thing is comparing yourself to others A lot of times when you're going onto these websites that are talking about people in PMDD, and I've had partners say this so much where they're like I researched PMDD and you should be like this during this phase, and you should be like that during this phase, believing that your relationship should look like others or even like how you are in your follicular phase. It's going to cause bitterness and resentment because you're going to believe that your partner has a capability of being a certain way, but they're just intentionally not doing it to cause you suffering.

Communication Standards in PMDD Relationships

Speaker 1 31:19

So each month of PMDD brings unique challenges based off of what you individually have going on in your relationship. This is why I work with my clients on a monthly basis to create a monthly plan. No, two months with my clients are the same, because different things are happening in their lives. So if you're saying last month we did this, so we can completely do that again. No, when you're my private client, every single month is customized to what is exactly going on in your life, and so this is why I've created my monthly plan for PMDD counseling, especially going to the holidays, because it's going to look different. You're going to have a lot of days where you're dealing with a lot more family members than you're used to, a lot more interactions than you're used to, and you're going to be expected to survive through that and expecting your relationship to survive. And so I want to really give you the tools of what that looks like, because it's not sustainable to be like oh well, in April I was this way. So when I see you again in September, when family members see you again in September, like it's gonna be the same way. It's not.

Speaker 1 32:21

And the next thing is equating symptoms with your true personality. Thinking that who your partner is in their follicular days is who they're gonna be all month long. Thinking that my partner should always be who they are, should always be who they are in their good days, ignores that PMDD symptoms are present. You're rejecting the PMDD symptoms and the reality of the fact that your partner has PMDD. If you're saying I love and adore and like and I'm pretty sure you do the follicular version of your partner, you cannot tell them that in hopes that they're going to be that way for their entire cycle without them suppressing their PMDD symptoms and eventually getting into a cycle of bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness. If your partner is acting like they're not in PMDD. When they're in PMDD, they're going to be very bitter because they're going to be stuffing down a lot of symptoms that they're not in PMDD. When they're in PMDD, they're going to be very bitter because they're going to be stuffing down a lot of symptoms that they're supposed to be processing. You can't process PMDD symptoms when you're so busy trying to deny that you're in that reality.

Speaker 1 33:23

And I've been there so many times where I was like well, my partner doesn't like the luteal phase of me, so I need to pretend like I don't have a luteal phase. I ended up resenting my partner so much because it was so hard for me. I was literally crying and shaking and in a complete panic trying to stuff down my PMDD symptoms. So the way that this really relates to what was going on in my Tokyo trip is that I was experiencing all of these symptoms and instead of me pretending that I wasn't in my luteal phase, pretending like I'm the mom I got this, I was actively communicating. Hey, pretty girl, can we take a break during this time?

Speaker 1 34:05

Granted, she wanted the break as well, but I was very communicative to the symptoms that I was having and to how I could operate throughout the day. I was only able to do, especially because there was heat and there was humidity and there was people and there was overstimulation and there was so many noises going on on that train and so many noises going on with the people and I have misophonia, which is a sensitivity to noise. I had to communicate how I was really feeling, how I was really thinking in every day of my cycle and let that be okay. I didn't have to feel guilty for being like I know that you may want to do this, but I need a break after this. She was completely understanding me and we were completely connecting on that trip because I wasn't stuffing down how I was really feeling and pretending like, oh, I got this, I'm your mom, I can do all this.

Speaker 1 34:54

No, every single time there was times I think I got a little bit of cold, because we would go into really hot places where it's really sweaty, and then we would go into stores and hotels and it would be freezing cold and so I began to get a little bit of congestion and cold. I communicated that and I was like, hey, like I need to stop and get some congestion medicine because I'm this. And I think that if I would have tried to mask that, to be like oh, I'm the superhero that's your ego talking. Your ego is the version of you that likes to pretend like you don't have PMDD, even though you're suffering with premenstrual disorder symptoms. And I've been there before. I've been in that place where I'm like I'm just going to pretend like I don't have it and then maybe I don't suffer as much, like I'm going to be completely delusional to the fact that I have PMDD and then maybe I won't suffer as much. I suffered more from trying to stuff down my PMDD symptoms because when they finally came to the surface, the explosion that came out was way bigger than it would have if, little by little, day by day, I was able to communicate with my partner what it is that I was going through. But I really want to ask you this right now, because I did this with my client what is your fear with letting your partner know how you're really feeling in every phase of your cycle?

Speaker 1 36:10

What is your shame in that woman who experiences premenstrual dysphoric disorder? Your partner has the ability to be the benefit of every other aspect of you being a woman. They get to make love to you, they get to have sex with you. They get to experience your nurturing value. They get to experience your affection, your love, your attention, your beauty, your vibe all of these things. Why would you not show them the other side of that? What is the fear? If you have a fear of showing your partner every version of yourself in every phase of your cycle, then there's a block in your intimacy. You're never going to be truly intimate with a partner if you're not showing them how you are in every phase of your cycle. Even when you say, oh, I love you, I love you. If your partner doesn't know you in every phase of your cycle, how can they love you? How can you confidently believe that your partner loves you if you're only showing them the follicular version of you or a lesser version of you when you're in your luteal phase?

Fear of Authentic Self-Expression

Speaker 1 37:10

When is the last time that you felt like you've been completely yourself in your luteal phase, how you would be with a best friend? Because I know with my best friend I let her know everything how I'm feeling. We check in every single day. Girl, I'm feeling this way, I'm doing this. I have a female best friend, I have a male best friend and I would tell them I'm feeling this way. I'm feeling this way. I'm not trying to sugarcoat it, I'm not trying to be any other version of myself, and a lot of times what I'm noticing is that there is this level of fear with being authentic, with who you really are, with your partner.

Speaker 1 37:47

There's this level of fear that partners and individuals who suffer with PMDD have to show their partner who they really are in all phases of their cycle, meaning when the partner is you. Both are in the luteal phase. They may be feeling a little bit disconnected because of everything that's going on, but there's this fear of saying I actually have symptoms while you're in your luteal phase. I don't feel connected, my needs aren't getting met. I need more affection, more attention, more validation. They're feeling like they don't want to be a nag, or they're feeling like you know, they may complain about their relationship to other people. They may complain on counseling sessions, they may complain to friends or even family members, but they're not able to just come directly to you and say this is what I have going on. How can we work through this?

Speaker 1 38:40

And so this is how PMDD can sabotage your relationship, because it's creating a divide between how you're really feeling, who you really are, and what happens with that is the emotional intimacy, the line that you're drawn with, that it's going to start to bleed into the physical intimacy and then it's going to be very obvious how disconnected you all are, because you're going to become like roommates You're there but you're not really there. You're not really connected. You're both not getting your needs met and all of it is going to be starting with not being authentically who you are in every phase of your cycle and just being honest with your partner. So I really want you to ask yourself what is it that you're scared of? If you really told your partner how you were feeling, what is it that you're scared of? Are you scared that they will leave you? Are you scared they're going to abandon you? Are you scared that they're going to reject you? Are you even scared that they're not going to care? Because I know a lot of times partners think, oh, they don't really care, what's really going on with me. But that's not a relationship.

Speaker 1 39:40

A relationship is sharing intimately what's really going on with you and getting to a point where your needs are met and you need and if you're feeling like I don't even think that they would give me what it is that I need, then that's something that you all need to work on. That's something that you all need to get sessions with and really just say, hey, I want to be with you, I love you, I care about you. I desire for this relationship to not just work but to be happy in it, and in order for that to happen, these things need to happen, and not in a way that you're demanding it, but in a way that you're being honest. Like for me personally in a relationship, I need affection. For me personally in a relationship, I need attention. Like there's a reason why you are in your relationship. If you really think about that, you could be single. Why are you choosing to be in a relationship? Think about those reasons and think if your relationship is providing you with what it is that you're in a relationship for.

Speaker 1 40:51

A lot of you have lost sight as to why you're even in a relationship and you're just coasting at this point. You're just accepting whatever happens in the luteal phase. You're just accepting whatever happens during menstruation and ovulation. You're just going in your individual corners and just accepting a mediocre relationship and thinking, oh well, this is how a PMDD relationship was supposed to be.

Speaker 1 41:12

No, pmdd relationships are very difficult, but it is possible for both of you to get your needs met. I know this from my hundreds of private clients that I've had and I currently have and I currently counsel. It does take additional steps within certain phases of the cycle and it does take time for there to be momentum and to get things going. Which is why I have my monthly PMD package because we create momentum by implementing tools week by week, month by month, so you eventually get to a place where it's on autopilot that you're getting your needs met. But if you are in this space where it's like, oh, I talked about it one time but it hasn't happened, talking about your needs one time doesn't equate to any changes in your relationship. It's not a quick fix and accountability is so important when you're making changes in your relationship. If there's no one holding the both of you accountable and I told this to my client the other day I said, if no one holds your partner accountable for making the changes that we're implementing right now, they're probably not going to do it. They're going to do it for a couple of weeks, maybe even a month, and then after that they're going to fall off.

Building Sustainable PMDD Relationships

Speaker 1 42:18

You're going to basically revert back to how your relationship was before, and a lot of times and I hate to say this, but I've seen this personally in my relationships and I've also seen it with my clients it ends up getting worse every single time, meaning when you go back, when you go back in your relationship, meaning you go back to that old version that you all used to be, it's actually 10 times worse because you know what it feels like to have progress. You know what it feels like to have progress. You know what it feels like to be so close to things changing and you become more dissatisfied with how your relationship used to be. You become more dissatisfied with how your relationship currently is because now you're back to the starting line. It's like you're almost at the finish line and somebody put your on a game board and somebody put your piece back in the beginning, and so you're just starting all over and it's really hard to get momentum because you're consistently feeling like I can't do this every single month. I can't live like this. I can't be in this relationship where my needs aren't met and you're feeling like there's no end in sight. So if you're getting sessions with me, I encourage you to have endurance. What I mean by that is stick with it, because every single time that you stop having sessions and then you come back when I have my initial session with you, it's 10 times worse.

Speaker 1 43:31

There's so many things that have happened because everything that we built has now been torn down and more things have happened. And so then the hope of your partner even thinking that things are going to be different. It's harder to even get your partner or even you on board to believe that things can get better, because you've seen how they've gone back down, you've seen how worse that they can get and you're going to stay in that cycle until you're consistent, until you have that accountability. It's like a child when you're having them helping them ride a bike. You can't just take them out one day and just think that they're just gonna start riding their bike, they're gonna fall off, they're gonna have to get back up, you're gonna have to hold the back of their bike a little bit. You have to give you and your partner time to see the growth in your relationship, to see the actual changes.

Speaker 1 44:19

But PMDD can sabotage your relationship because you'll begin to get those intrusive thoughts and say, oh, it's always going to be like this, it's never going to change and as soon as you fall into that lie that it's never going to change, you're going to start to feel more dissatisfied with your partner and with your relationships, and your actions and your behaviors are going to reflect that your partner is going to be able to feel. When you don't have hope in your relationship, when you feel like, oh, you're not satisfied, you're just there, like, yeah, you're there, but at what cost? You're not happy, they're not happy. If you're not happy, your partner's not happy and you both are just existing, trying to hold it together. But every single day that you're not addressing the issues, that you're not really processing the things that are happening in every phase of your cycle, it's doing more damage.

Speaker 1 45:07

I remember that happening to me in my relationship and each time it was like I was stuck in some quicksand or mud. I felt like I had to dig myself out of it. Every single time, every single time, we had gone so long without having sessions, gone so long without addressing the issues. I just felt like it was so much harder to bring everything to the surface and really so much harder to get my partner to be on board, because they start like rolling their eyes, like, oh, here we go again. What are we going to do? Talk about our issues. They stop taking you seriously. They really stop taking you seriously.

Speaker 1 45:41

So I am strongly going to suggest that if any of this is resonating with you and you know that you really need help in your PMDD relationship, I suggest that you get the monthly sessions and you stick to it. You stick to the changes that we're implementing, the tools that we're using that are customized to your relationship. You stick with it to see the progress and not just let it go, because if you let it go, if you take your hands off of the wheel, pmdd is going to take you and your partner and your relationship in a direction that you're not going to be happy. I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't honestly know, and have counseled so many PMDD partners and sufferers, how you're really feeling. So, even if the partners and the individuals that are suffering with PMDD don't really know how the other one is feeling, I know how you're both feeling. I know that you're not happy, I know that you're not satisfied, and that is no way to live in any kind of relationship, especially not a PMDD relationship that has all of this extra stuff, all of these symptoms, all of these cyclical things that are going on in your relationship and life.

Speaker 1 46:44

We're going into the holiday season and there's going to be so much that comes up. A lot of it is regarding family and family drama, family dynamics, childhood trauma. For me really comes up around the holidays, and so I really have to get with my psychotherapist and really really make sure that I'm scheduling my sessions and make sure that I'm addressing everything that comes up. I'm going to talk to you next episode about the healing retreat that I just came off of. If you're following me on Instagram, maybe you saw that I went on this healing retreat.

Speaker 1 47:17

I go on that every single week annually and I went this year and I'm literally there for like a week and she's like this is your yearly checkup and I have my own psychotherapist for my childhood trauma and everything else that comes up for me and my business mentor. I have so many people that I invest in because I need that level of not just knowledge and experience and tools, but accountability, so that when something comes up, I can immediately process it and not really let it sit and fester and get worse and worse and worse. So, again, if that's something that you know that you need help with. Go to the link down here in the show notes. Go to the link in my bio. Follow me on Instagram on TikTok DrRose underscore in love with PMDD. And until next time we got this. I love you.