Being Pissed Off in PMDD

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When tempers flare and logic vanishes, shouting louder rarely gets you heard. We unpack a practical path out of PMDD rage—how to ground first, protect the connection, and come back to the conversation with clarity and care. You’ll hear why “calm down” backfires, what actually signals safety to a triggered brain, and how to build a personal reset plan that both partners understand and respect.

We walk through concrete tools: movement that pulls you out of rumination, noise boundaries for misophonia, the surprising power of decluttering a small space, and music choices that lift you instead of fueling anger. We also talk algorithm hygiene—curating your feed when you’re vulnerable so it doesn’t steer you toward breakup narratives you don’t truly want. If taking space helps, we show you how to do it without stonewalling: say where you’re going, when you’ll be back, and how you’ll re-engage. Those simple signals keep attachment safe while your nervous system resets.

Emotional maturity is the throughline. Regulate before you relate. Study your partner’s grounding blueprint as closely as your own—maybe they need a walk, a journal, or a quick call with a trusted friend or therapist before they can talk productively. We explore how old wounds can distort current conflicts, and how to reframe, re-enter, and repair with steadier minds. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s a shared protocol: observe what works, confirm it together, respect it in the moment. If you’re ready to trade looping fights for intentional repair, this conversation offers steps you can use tonight.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a quick review—your feedback helps more couples find tools that heal.

Transcript

Why You’re Not Being Heard

The Cycle of Rage and Defensiveness

Grounding vs. “Calm Down”

Self-Observation in the Moment

Morning Routine as Anchor

Movement to Exit Your Head

Noise Sensitivity and Headphones

Clutter, Control, and Rage Cleaning

Music Choices That Shift State

Algorithm Hygiene During Triggers

Taking Space Without Stonewalling

Relationship Responsibilities and Maturity

Regulate Before You Relate

Study Your Partner’s Grounding

Friends, Therapists, and Reality Checks

Triggers, Trauma, and Projection

Respect Their Process or “Poke the Bear”

Self-Soothing as Core Skill

Observe, Confirm, Respect: The Steps

SPEAKER_00 0:01

So today we're going to be talking about how to ground yourself when you're experiencing PMDD rage, when you've had a fight with your partner, an argument, something that they said has really triggered you, and you're in the moment and you're feeling like your partner is really not hearing anything that you're saying. This is probably why you're speaking and saying the same things again and again and again, because they honestly aren't hearing you. Cognitively, when your partner is in that mode of being triggered, they're not hearing you clearly. And so the frustration is that you're trying to get your point across. You're trying to get them to understand your point of view. They're trying to get you to understand their point of view, but neither one of you are hearing each other. And so I'm going to give you some tools as to what you can actually do when you're in the moment, because a lot of times what I've noticed is there's been this frustration that I've said and done things when I've been experiencing this rage, when I've been experiencing this anger, because I feel like I'm not being heard. That is the biggest reason why a lot of times partners, both of you, the one that has pre-menstrual dysporic disorder and the one that does not, you feel like you need to get louder, you need to get more aggressive, you need to repeat yourself because your partner is not really hearing you for what it is that you're feeling and thinking in that moment. And you want to be seen, you want to be heard, you want to be validated. And so you're drilling it in, but you're almost doing it in a way where it's putting you in the negative because your the more aggressive you are, the more louder you get, the more damage that you're doing because your partner's not hearing you. All they're doing is waiting for a way to defend themselves and say, oh, well, that's because of this and that's because of that. And then you end up in this cycle and none of your issues really get resolved. I know for me personally, I had to recognize when I felt, I remember the first time I felt PMD Rage, I was so surprised because it does feel like it takes over your mind, your body. It's so like, pay attention to me in this moment. And I was like, what is going to calm me down? I wish I could just calm down. And I had to figure out what worked for me. And it was, it was very much trial and error because when someone tells you to calm down, it almost makes you even more pissed off. It makes you more angry. And a lot of times that's what the partners think that you're supposed to do. Like, hey, I'm letting you know that you're getting loud, you know, at me is triggering me. So when you say to your partner, just calm down, like I'm gonna talk to you, like just calm down, you're making them more upset because you're asking them to minimize how they're feeling in that moment, just because you're in a place where you can't handle it right now. But what you need to do instead of telling them to calm down is to understand, really get to know what grounds your partner. And that's what we're gonna talk about today. You really need to know this. If you're in an intimate relationship with someone, you need to know what grounds them, what calms them down. This is what I mean by grounding. And it's different for everyone. And you know, it's it's not a one-size-fits-all. And everything that I do with my clients is very customized because what works for one client does not work for another client. And so you can get really frustrated because what grounds me is not gonna ground my partner. What grounds my partner is not gonna ground me. And so you get to this point where you need to know these things. So this is how I figured it out, right? I allowed myself to go through a lot of situations where I was triggered. And instead of judging myself for it in the moment, instead of immediately reacting, I was almost in this observation mode. I was observing myself, even though I was in the moment, I was instead of immediately reacting, I observed, okay, what is going on? I'm feeling offended, I'm feeling hurt, I'm feeling frustrated, I'm feeling like I'm not being heard. And that is causing me to want to react in this aggressive way. And so the first thing I did was, when am I when am I most happiest? When am I most calm? When am I just in my element? When can time go by? And I just don't even notice it. And for me, that's during my morning routine, which is why a lot of times I talk about it so much because it's such a situation where whatever's going on in my life, as long as I'm able to plug into and do my morning routine, it rejuvenates me. And so I'm getting a cold a little bit. It's getting into fall. But I was like, let me pick apart the things in my morning routine that really calm me down. And the first thing for me is movement. If I'm really pissed off, if I'm really angry, if I'm feeling really offended, I need to get out of my head and get into my body because when I'm moving my body, I'm not really thinking about what's going on in my mind, the last conversation that I had. I'm not dissecting like a text that I received. I'm not thinking about a call that I got. I because I really have to take that moment to focus on what I'm doing in the moment so much that it distracts me. So it really is a distracting mechanism to get you out of over-analyzing, overthinking those intrusive thoughts that you're thinking about your partner, that you're thinking about the relationship, that you're thinking about what it's bringing up for you that's making you feel like you want to break up. Maybe we're not compatible, maybe we shouldn't be together. We need to stop that pattern and shift it into something that makes you feel good. So there's been times where I have done this and I've not felt like obviously I haven't felt like working out every single time. Like even though I do my morning routine every single day, I don't feel like working out at all times of the day. If it doesn't happen in the morning, then you know it's pretty much not gonna happen. But I was like, whenever I was in this relationship and I kept getting triggered again and again and again, I would always go on a walk. I would be like, I gotta get out of here. And I would go on this walk. And what I noticed is I was really grounding myself. I was literally like, I can't stay in this moment. I'm gonna react in a way that I'm not gonna be proud of. I'm gonna say things that I don't mean. I'm going to not be my best and I just need to get out of here. So I would go on this walk and then I paid attention. Okay, when I went on this walk, what did I do? I always had headphones on. So I originally started wearing headphones a lot around my ex-partners because they made a lot of noise, right? And you and one of the symptoms of PMDD is misophonia. It's a sensitivity to noise. So what I was noticing is I was getting more agitated. I was getting more pissed off because they would be closing the cabinet or they would be doing all these things like really loudly. I would be perceiving them really loudly. So I started to wear these over-the-air noise cancellation headphones. So when I was going out on my walks, when I was frustrated and I was triggered and I was overwhelmed, I would always put the headphones on. So that was my second thing. I was protecting the outside noise because you can have a lot of irritability from outside noise and it make you even more pissed off and triggered in the moment. How many times has your partner been saying or doing something? You're already upset with them, but just the fact that they're making more noise, it pisses you off even more. So we can like get rid of that and get a way for you to not be more irritated with them. That's a way to do it. So I put the noise cancellation headphones on. So that's step two is notice what is it that's adding to your triggers? Is it their movement? Is it their mannerisms? Is it noise? Is it like what are the things that happen when you're in your luteophase, when you're in pre-menstrual disorder disorder? Like you're in that hard spot and you're feeling the PMD rage that is adding on to the rage, that is making it worse. That's almost like a like it's it's like ticking at you. And your partner a lot of times doesn't even notice that they're doing it. I have clients that are like, their breathing annoys me and all of these things. And it's just like it's not necessarily their breathing, it's you're already irritated, you're already pissed off, and now you're magnifying all of the things that they're doing, and their mannerisms are pissing you off even more. So I noticed for me, extra noise was making me upset. So I had to minimize what is causing me to have additional stress and overwhelm. The next thing is it could be clutter. I know a lot of times you don't really put it together that when your outside world is full of clutter internally in your brain, it's going to cause you to experience a lot of um dysfunction in your mind. Like your brain can't function if there's a lot of clutter. So for me, when I do come back in the house and I'm, you know, experiencing PMDD rage or I'm feeling triggered or feeling irritable, I have to make sure that my space is clean and clear. And so I would be like rage cleaning. How many of you have done that? Where you're just like, I need my space to be clean. So I'm organizing things. I have my headphones on. Um, so I notice that cleaning really helps me because I may not be able to control a lot of things that are going on in the relationship with that argument, with that situation, but I can control my outside space. So in my brain, cognitively, me cleaning up a space is giving me control over something. I have no control over my partner. I have no control over what they say, I have no control over what they do, I have no control over how they feel. But what I do have control over is what my space looks like. So I try to make sure that I clean up, even if it's just a small area. I remember I did it like one room at a time. I did like a kitchen. So I put some music on. So that's the next thing that I do with my headphones that shifts my mood. If I am feeling pissed off, I know a lot of times you want to get music that really feeds the mood that you're in, but music therapy is very powerful. So I love EDM music, electric dance music, because it has the ability to put me in this. That's my happy space. That you know, I love to go to raves, I love to go to festivals and all of these things because that is my happy place. If your happy place, I have a client that I just finished talking to where her happy place is the beach. And so what she would do is have this calming beach, like vibe music, like it was very vibey, but the sound of the ocean. Whatever it is that's gonna visually take you to your happy place, you need to be able to have the music that's gonna match the energy that you want to feel. Because if you're feeling angry, if you're feeling pissed off and you go listen to some really aggressive music, it's gonna cause you to get to that place where you're even more pissed off. It's gonna be fueling your rage instead of getting you to the place of if you're trying to calm down and you're trying to be more positive, see things rationally, you don't need something that's gonna add on to you being pissed off. And a lot of times, you know, something else that can that can really damage that is what you're ingesting with social media during that time. If you're feeling like you want to break up with your partner and you're all of a sudden you're getting all of these reels and quotes that are giving you more and more reasons because the algorithm is feeding what it is that you're focusing on. And it's like talking about breaking up, talking about how you're not supported, talking about the single life, talking about all of these things as to why you should break up with your partner. Be mindful of what you're listening to when you're in that place where you're trying to calm down. Because I I remember trying to calm down and get to a place where I was back connected with my partner, but my algorithm was telling me you deserve better and don't, you know, don't communicate with them and shut down on them and make them suffer in this way. Like it was very toxic. And I had to really examine what is what it was that I was listening to because you don't know these people. You have not vetted these people. When someone shows up in your algorithm, they're just popping in based off of a common interest that you may have, but you don't know if what they're gonna tell you is gonna help you or if it's gonna hurt your relationship. So I want you to be very mindful as to what it is and who it is that you're listening to. Make sure you have some kind of rapport, you're understanding who they are, what they stand for, what their morals and values, what direction they're trying to take you in. Because if you're trying to stay with your partner and your algorithm is telling you to break up, that's not getting you to calm down. It's getting you to disconnect from your partner, it's getting you further away. So when you're taking that space, which is one of the things that my client had to do, make sure you're taking space and you're doing it in a way that's putting you in the direction of how you want to show up when you come back. So, number one, I always say when you take space, if that's the thing that grounds you and calms you down, tell your partner when you're gonna come back. Don't turn your location off. Don't just go ghost on them and expect them to be, you know, welcoming you back with open arms. Don't cause them to worry about you. I know a lot of times it's like, oh, I don't, you know, I don't want them to have access to me right now. So I'm gonna shut it. Like if you're you're the one of those couples that share your location, one of the damaging things that you can do when you're trying to calm yourself down and you want to take space because you feel like that's gonna help is shutting off the location. That's almost like stonewalling them. You're shutting down on them because they're gonna be worried about you, they're gonna be worried about where you're what you're doing, who you're talking to. They're gonna be alone with their thoughts and because you decided to shut down and unplug. And a lot of times you're doing it on purpose, whether it's consciously or subconsciously. You know that your partner not having access to you is gonna give them anxiety, it's gonna cause them to worry. And all it's almost like, well, at least they're you're getting some attention. Like at least I know if you know they're worried about me. It's subconsciously, you may be feeling like that feels better for them to be worried about me versus they're not worried about me at all. So that's why you're really turning off your location. It's all about safety. If you know that your partner feels safe when your location is on, if that's what you do, then if you're trying to calm yourself down and you're trying to ground yourself when you're in the realms of PMDD rage and you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed, do not turn your location off because you wouldn't want your partner to do that. You're adding on to the frustration, you're adding on to the stress. So everything that you do to ground yourself, to calm yourself down, to regulate your nervous system, it needs to be communicated with your partner if you're in an intimate relationship. You do not have the privilege of unplugging from your partner without communicating to them why you're doing it, without you suffering on the back end. Meaning, when you decide, okay, I want to talk to them again, I want to answer their text, I want to answer their phone call, I want to see them in person, you're gonna have done a lot of damage. So the version of them that you're gonna receive after you've cut them off is gonna be way more damaging because you didn't communicate. And it's very simple. Hey, babe, I need some time. I need to go, I need to go walk, I need to go to the gym, I need to do this, I need to, whatever it is that you need to do, communicate what it is that you're doing so that they have that safety and security and that they'll respect the space that you're taking. A lot of times I'll have clients say, My partner doesn't want me to take space. Well, have you communicated the space that you're gonna take in a safe way? Or did you just get out the car and slam the door, turn off your location, walk out on them in the middle of the conversation? Of course, they're not gonna respect it and support it because you're doing it in an unhealthy way. You have to build that emotional maturity to say, you know what, I really don't feel like talking to them right now. But because I'm committed and I'm in this relationship, I need to talk to them in a way that's not gonna do damage. You have a responsibility when you are in an intimate relationship. And I almost wish, you know, there's premarital counseling and there's things that happen before you get married. I almost wish that there was this relationship counseling that you were required to finish, to complete in order to be in a relationship. Because I think a lot of times people are forgetting that there are responsibilities with being in an intimate relationship. You don't just pop in and pop out, you don't have the luxury of doing that. Like if you're dating, that's one thing. But if you are in an intimate relationship, you're connected to this person, you're committed to this person, there's certain things that you just can't do. And if you choose to do them, it's gonna be the reason why you're suffering. If you're just going rogue and you're like, I'm gonna do what I feel like doing, if you're in an intimate relationship and you literally feel like you can just act any way that you want to act, do anything that you want to do, then you're not mature enough to be in an intimate relationship because you're not understanding that your actions, your behaviors are affecting a whole nother person. It's like when you have a child, what you do, how you act impacts another individual. And some people are not ready for that. And I've seen that and I've I've had clients where we're talking about things, and I said, you know, I really don't think you're ready to be in a relationship right now because the emotional maturity, the emotional intelligence that you need in order to sustain a relationship, especially a PMDD relationship, you don't have it right now. That doesn't mean that you're never gonna have it. But these are the things that you need to work on before you decide to connect yourself with another person. Because if you cannot regulate yourself, how do you expect to be regulated in an intimate relationship with someone else who has the propensity to trigger you? How do you feel that you're gonna add value to that person if you can't add value to yourself and create that safe space? And when you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed, if you don't know what to do with yourself and you're just projecting it on the other person, how is that gonna affect them? Do you even care how that affects them? Are you or are you being reckless? A lot of times this is a situation where you're just being reckless with your emotions and saying, take me for how I am and all of these things. No one is required to take you as you are. If you're choosing to be in an intimate relationship, you're choosing to be connected with another person, that means that you're choosing to take on the responsibility of, okay, I every single day, every single moment that I'm connected with this person, like I need to be able to regulate myself. I need to be able to check in with me and make sure that I'm good before I go to connect myself with them. It's kind of like, you know, when you get on the plane and they say, fix your oxygen mass before you try to help someone else. Well, when you're in an intimate relationship, you're supposed to be helping the other person just like they're supposed to be helping you. But if you don't have the ability to ground yourself, to calm yourself down, then maybe it's time for you to learn those skills before you decide to be connected with another person. And there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with knowing, hey, these are the things that I really need to work on. I remember after one of my last breakups, I said I needed to work on being offended. And I took the time and I invested in a psychotherapist to really help me with being offended. I went back to my childhood trauma and I invested in someone that was gonna help me get over that hurdle because I realized how much it was affecting my intimate relationships. And I said, it's not that other person's fault that this is coming up for me. So I'm gonna do what I need to do because I want to be connected with someone else. I want to be in love. I want to have these experiences and I want to be able to not worry about, oh my gosh, am I gonna say or do something that's gonna cause damage to this relationship? I don't want to enter a relationship knowing that I'm a wild card. Like it's being a wild card is not cute. And by a wild card, I mean you never know what you're gonna get with that person. You're so unpredictable, which causes the individual to walk on eggshells. When someone is walking on eggshells, it's because you're a wild card. That means you're saying and doing anything, you're you're popping off. They don't know if you're gonna be in a good mood. You sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. And how can anyone really feel safe if they don't know, like, hey, regardless of what my partner's going through, I know that this is going to ground them. This is what I mean by you really have to study your partner, you really have to know your partner because that was the scariest thing for me. I one time I was in a relationship and I was like, I don't know what can calm this person down. Like, I'm I'm not saying that you have to always be calm, always be happy, always be good vibes only, which is what I, you know, I love, like I would love that, but that's not a requirement. What I'm saying is I need to know that if you're in a place where you're stressed and you're overwhelmed and you're this, I need to know what ground to you so that I can respect that and I can help you. You can only help your partner with knowing what it is that's actually gonna help them. Because I know for me, if I say movement is gonna help me, but that's really gonna piss them off even more, why would I do that? I need to study my partner to say, you know what? I notice that when they um the next thing is when they talk with friends, when they have the opportunity to talk with friends, then they start to calm down because they're rationalizing things, they're getting another point of view. And then it's like, okay, they feel like I can come back to this, this, you know, conversation and I can talk to you in a way that's not going to be damaging and I could get my point across and all of these things. So if you know that about your partner, that they need to talk with other people to get a different perspective, because maybe they need to talk, but they just don't want to talk with you when they're upset, when they're triggered, when they're pissed off. Maybe it's a situation where you're wanting to talk because you're wanting to get it out and you're wanting to be like, you know, we really need to talk about this and we need to do this. Maybe they're not ready. Maybe they need to talk it out with their therapist, their counselor, you know, before they come to you, because they need to just get their thoughts together because they want to make sure that what they're communicating to you is something that's really going on. You know, when you're triggered, your reality can really be distorted because you don't know what that trigger is bringing up for you. You don't know, like, okay, I'm in this situation where you're triggering me as bringing up my childhood trauma, for example. In my case, like a lot of times when I get in intimate relationships, anything that happened in my child with my childhood trauma normally comes up. I need to process that before I'm really reacting with my partner because if not, I'm gonna react to them in a way not for the moment that I'm in right now, not about the conversation that we're having right now, but it's gonna be more so I'm back in that realm of my childhood. Maybe I'm feeling abandoned, maybe I'm feeling neglected, maybe I'm feeling rejected, maybe I'm feeling all of these things that I need to process before I project them on you. And so I really want you to get to a place where you're studying your partner and your partner needs to be studying you and really ask your partner this week, ask them when you finish listening to this episode, send this episode to them and say, Do you know what calms you down? Do you know what grounds you? Do you know what that is? Because if your partner doesn't know what that is, then how are they gonna be able to be there for you and support you if they don't know what grounds you? You need to feel and be grounded in your PMDD relationship so that you don't do damage. And so the next thing is rewiring your brain. You know, a lot of times when you are in a circumstance where you're seeing an argument, a fight that you're having, and you're seeing it in a way that's different from your partner, until you both get to that place of understanding the other person, it's always gonna be a problem because they're gonna be talking about their point of view. You're gonna be talking about your point of view. And it's gonna get to the point where once they're not regulated, they can't hear you. When your partner is pissed off, when your partner is triggered, they cannot hear you. They cannot hear you for what it is that you're trying to say because they're so pissed off. They're cognitively, their brain is shut down, their brain is trying to tell you, this is what I'm trying to say, this is what I'm trying to say, this is what I'm trying to say. They're not hearing your point of view until they're emotionally regulated. I want you to really understand that until your partner is calmed down, until they're grounded, they're not hearing what you're saying. And so you can get really frustrated because you're repeating yourself and then they get pissed off that you're repeating yourself. I remember my my ex-partner used to say, like, oh my gosh, you keep repeating yourself. And I'm like, it's because I feel like you're not hearing me. And the truth of the matter is they're not going to hear you until you ground yourself, until you calm yourself down. So I really want you to ask your partner this week, just ask them what grounds you, what calms you down, and study them and maybe observe it. Maybe you know, take notes and just say, you know what? I noticed that when you know my partner is pissed off, this is the thing that calms them down and respect that. You need to respect whatever it is that your partner does to ground them. If you show that you don't care, like, hey, I want to talk to you right now. And if they're not ready to talk, if they need space and time, if you poke the bear, then don't be mad when the partner reacts in a way that's not conducive to you. Because a lot of times partners will come on sessions and they'll say, Oh my gosh, you're not gonna believe Dr. Rose. They did this and they did that and they did this and they did that. Yeah, they did all of those things because you poke the bear. If someone told me I can't do my morning routine and my morning routine is the things that grounds me, yeah, you're gonna see a different version of me because you're stopping me from doing what it is that calms me down and keeps me grounded. And if you're trying to pull me out of it because you're so selfish that you can't sit with yourself, I'm gonna do a separate episode on the ability to self-soothe. I'm gonna probably do that really soon because it's something that you need to really examine. Does my partner have the capability to self-soothe? That's part of grounding. I need to be alone with my thoughts and it not be a thing where I'm projecting that on you. I need to be able to take whatever's going on in this relationship and not make you feel bad about how I'm feeling. I need to take accountability and responsibility. So from this episode, I really just want you to ask your partner and really I want you to observe first. And then I want you to confirm. Observe and confirm. The first thing I want you to do is ask yourself, do I know what calms my partner down? That's number one. Number two, if whatever I think that I know that calms my partner down, confirm it with him. And then number three, am I willing to respect the way that my partner needs to ground themselves? And if that's something that you know that you need help with, go to in love with pmdd.com, go to the link down in the show notes and get the counseling sessions. I am, I have a couple more that are available this month, but send me a message, send me a DM. Um, if you really, really don't see an opening on my schedule because I am being very intentional with, I have a lot of clients that are on that new monthly package that I was talking about. And so I have them, you know, a lot of time blocked off. But if you have you see my calendar and you know that you need help with certain things, let me know. I will be there for you. Calm down, ground yourself, and learn the tools. I will see you next time. We got this. I love you.