Why Your PMDD Brain Makes Forgiving Your Partner Feel Impossible

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Ever feel like forgiveness resets every month, no matter how many talks or apologies you’ve had? We dig into why PMDD turns small misunderstandings into full-blown ruptures and why the same argument keeps resurfacing in luteal, even when things felt fine days ago. I break down what’s actually happening in the brain—how the prefrontal cortex goes partially offline and the limbic system goes into overdrive—so you can stop blaming willpower and start using strategies that work.

Together, we separate three kinds of forgiveness that often get tangled: decisional forgiveness (the choice to move forward even when feelings lag), emotional forgiveness (calming the limbic alarm so apologies can land), and self-forgiveness (releasing the heavy shame about how you showed up in PMDD). You’ll learn why talk therapy can unintentionally amplify old hurts in luteal, how to name the “PMDD brain” in real time to slow reactivity, and what it takes to create relational safety after rage—without demanding impossible guarantees. I share simple, repeatable tools: pause-and-repair scripts, scheduled re-entry after a trigger, and narrative reframing that corrects all-or-nothing thinking and restores a balanced view of your partner.

We also get practical about structure. I explain the PMDD Pyramid approach—first individual sessions for the PMDD partner, then for the non-PMDD partner, and finally a short, focused joint session—to prevent re-triggering and turn insight into a clear plan. We close with ways to “seal the loop” so your nervous system stops scanning for the same threat: tiny behavior changes, a checklist for sensitive tasks, and a living “receipt of good” list that offsets negativity bias when logic is dim. If you’re tired of monthly breakups, apologies that don’t land, and intimacy on pause, this conversation offers a calm map out of the cycle.

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Transcript

Why PMDD Blocks Forgiveness

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So today I want to talk to you about why having premenstrual dysphoric disorder makes forgiving your partner so hard. So when you have PMDD, then this is something where it's very difficult for you to fully forgive your partner in moments where they have said and done things to trigger you and you end up having the same arguments again and again and again. How many times have you gone to your partner to talk about a situation and really resolve it and get past it because you know that you're not seeing eye to eye, you know that the vibe is off. But then when you go to talk about it, you end up arguing about the same thing all over again. So when you're in your luteal phase and you have PMDD, it makes forgiving your partner very hard. And it is because what is going on in your brain when you are in your luteal phase? So there's certain things that are impacting your PMDD brain that are preventing you from fully forgiving your partner, even if you forgave them in every other aspect of your cycle. So what I mean is if you forgave them in your ovulation stage and in your menstrual stage and in your follicular stage, but then all of a sudden you get back in your luteal stage and you feel like it keeps coming up, there is a reason for that. And I'm gonna explain that to you today and give you the tools of what you can actually do to fully forgive your partner, even when you're in the luteal phase, because this is something that my clients struggle with so much when we go in private sessions, we're talking about situations that have happened a couple months ago or years ago where the partner is feeling like I thought we talked about this and I thought you forgave me, and I thought we were done with this. But all of a sudden, when you go into your luteal phase, it comes back up again. And this is very common for individuals who suffer with premenstrual dysphoric disorder. So, what I'm gonna do is I'm really gonna break this down into two episodes because I want to really address the individuals that have PMDD. And then next week's episode is gonna be for the individuals who are partners of individuals who suffer with PMDD because I really want to make sure I'm giving you that individualized experience of addressing you for you to be able to understand why you're in the same cycle. This is what I'm doing with my private clients for the month starting in March. I'm opening back up my PMDD pyramid sessions where I have one session with the individual who suffers with PMDD, one session with the partner, and then I have a combined session with the both of you. So this session is my most popular one because it's so powerful because you get that one-on-one session with me where you're really able to address your concerns without your partner kind of influencing what you're telling me. There's been so many times where I have had private sessions one-on-one with the partner or the individual that's suffering with PMDD, and they're able to fully express what's really going on and they're able to say some of the things that their partner may get triggered by. And so what you don't want to do when you come on private sessions, and this is why I do them on an individual basis and together, is you don't want to cause your partner to be re-triggered or re-traumatized by something that you're actually dealing with and that's coming up for you. Because if it's possible for you to have a session with me and we come up with a solution without triggering your partner, you're not going to be doing this the damage of I'm trying to get help, but then now I have to deal with we get off of the session and now we're triggered, and now our, you know, our connection is gone, the intimacy is gone, you're going back into a level of arguing. And that's the one of the biggest mistakes with having private sessions, having couple sessions when individuals have PMDD and for the partners is that you immediately go into having the sessions together. And then what comes out of it, they're having to deal with it on the back end. And I've heard this complaint so often from my private clients where they say they've gone to counselors and therapists and all of these things, and they gone on there and they've done talk therapy where they've talked about things that have gone on. And then when they get off of the session, nobody feels right. It's kind of like opening up a wound and then just leaving it open. And you end up arguing and fighting over it so much that one of the individuals may say, you know, I don't want to go to counseling. I don't want to go to therapy because they feel like all it does is cause them to get re-traumatized and it causes the relationship to actually get worse instead of better. So why the PMDD pyramid sessions are so impactful is because I'm able to get data from both you who suffer with PMDD and the partner who doesn't suffer with PMDD. And then when we get on the joint sessions, I customize the tools, we come up with a plan, we come up with an agreement that you both are feeling seen, feeling heard, feeling validated. It's not biased. Just because I have premenstrual dysphoric disorder and suffered with it for over 20 years doesn't mean that my bias always goes to the PMDD sufferer. And I think that's one of the most shocking things that, you know, individuals that come to me come to understand. It's that, oh, I thought you were going to be on my side only because I have PMDD. Well, there's so many partners that I have counseled privately, one-on-one, even without their partners who suffer with PMDD. And we've gone so far into the depths of what they are actually suffering with as well. And if you haven't noticed or if you haven't looked it up, my dissertation is on the partners, on the PMDD partners, because they need to be seen and heard for what it is that they're suffering with also by being in this relationship. And so it's not about one person is suffering more than the other, it's about addressing the mutual suffering that you're both going through as a result of PMDD being in your relationship. So if you need to get those sessions, make sure that you click on the link in my bio and get them before the calendar fills up. I'm only going to be accepting a certain amount of clients for these PMDD pyramid sessions starting in the month of March. Once the booking is complete for that month, I have to roll you over to the next month. So make sure that you grab them as soon as you see it. The link is in the bio here and we can get you plugged in. We'll be able to customize them to what day of the week that we're going to be having those sessions to make sure it fits with your calendar and your partner's calendar for the joint sessions. But let's get into why PMDD makes it so hard for you to forgive your partner. So the first thing that I want to let you know is that when you have premenstrual dysphoric disorder, there is a system in your brain called the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of your brain that's the logical part. It makes decisions, it makes smart decisions, and it, you know, it has the reasoning. It's that logical part of your brain. It gives you that sense of perspective, it controls your impulses, it keeps you, you know, thinking logically and not overreacting, not overthinking, not having anxiety, not all of those things is choosing facts over feelings. So when you go into your luteal phase, the prefrontal cortex goes partially offline. What this means is that part of your brain that can think rationally is no longer active. So it makes you having calm reasoning within your brain very difficult because you're no longer thinking logically, you're thinking impulsively. So it's almost like everything that the prefrontal cortex does naturally that's positive, it almost does it in reverse when you you're in your luteal phase and you suffer with PMDD. So instead of you choosing facts over feelings, you're choosing feelings over facts. Instead of you having long-term thinking and thinking about the big picture, you're having very short-term thinking and you're thinking if you're suffering with something right now, that you're always going to suffer with it. That's when you go into the realm of catastrophizing when you're saying that all or nothing, like, oh, you always do this and you always do that. And in reality, your prefrontal cortex will be able to tell you that your partner doesn't always make this mistake. They have made this mistake sometimes, but your PMDD brain makes you feel like that they're always making that mistake and that they're never gonna not make that mistake. And that's when you get into the realm of breaking up because you feel like you have to do the PMDD monthly breakups because your PMDD brain is telling you that the amount of suffering that you're feeling from the things that your partner is saying and doing, you're always gonna have that feeling. You're always gonna feel like that. So you start to become trapped and feel like the only way to solve your issues is to break up with your partner because your prefrontal cortex isn't there to calm you down and let you know, hey, you know, this is temporary. You're only feeling like this on a temporary basis. Or maybe your partner didn't maliciously try to trigger you. But when your prefrontal cortex goes offline partially, it makes you feel offended more often than not. It makes you feel like the things that your partner is saying and doing that they're doing it on purpose. It also makes you feel that rejection sensitivity because you're not thinking that your partner just, you know, didn't text you for a certain period of time because they were busy. That would be your prefrontal cortex, giving you that logical reasoning. Oh, if you didn't get a call or you didn't get a text or they forgot something from the store, your prefrontal cortex would tell you, oh, that you know, maybe they were busy, maybe they had something to do. But when your prefrontal cortex goes partially offline, all of a sudden it's a personal attack. And they're purposely doing those things to cause you harm, and they're purposely doing those things to trigger you, and they're purposely doing those things to make your PMDD symptoms worse, which makes you feel like I need to break up with my partner because they're maliciously trying to hurt me. So the next thing that happens in your PMDD brain is your limbic system is impacted. So this is the emotional survival system center of the brain. So this is the part that controls your emotions. This is the part that makes the actions of your partner are is this a threat? Is this in danger? This is a partner that remembers things emotionally in the past. This is the part of your brain that controls the fight or flight responses. Are you going to go into fight? Are you going to go into flight? So when the limbic system is activated in your brain, it's asking the question, am I safe? So, what happens when you're in your luteal phase? PMDD amplifies and ramps up your limbic activity. So, what this does is it makes your the things that have happened in your past, the things that your partner has said and done, it feels like it's current and it feels like it needs to be addressed right now. And I remember this happening for me so often that I was having this pattern of being in my luteal phase and feeling like I had to make a decision about my relationship right then. I had to make it right now. I felt like there was this sense of urgency. And when I really wasn't in my luteal phase and I was in my follicular phase and my ovulation or even menstruation, I was able to look at the situation and I didn't feel like I automatically had to make a decision. I knew that it was something that triggered me. I knew that it was something that I didn't like, I knew that it was something that was wrong, but I never felt that need or that urge to immediately do something about it. But when that limbic system is activated, it's like we need to do something now. We need to break up now. How many times have you felt like everything in your relationship is causing your PMDD symptoms to be worse? So you need to do something right now. You need to break up right now, you need to have the conversation right now. So you send that angry text or you have that phone call or you have that conversation. You can even be going out to date night and you're supposed to be having a good time, but you feel the need to bring up something that happened in the past because it's ruminating in your mind again and again and again. That means the limbic system of your brain is activated, it's amplified. It's like we need to do something about this right now. So the reason why I'm telling you about this is because when you recognize it happening, when you're in your luteal phase, you'll be able to call it out for what it is. And when you call something out, it slows your PMDD brain down from immediately reacting to it because you're recognizing what it is. You're not thinking that it's actually true and that you need to react to it. You're thinking, wait a minute, my PMDD brain is tricking me again. This is what I always tell my private clients, and I'm always telling you, your PMDD brain will trick you into thinking that you need to immediately react to things without really having that prefrontal cortex system that is logically thinking, okay, do I really need to make a decision about my relationship right now? Do I really need to make a decision about my partner right now? Or how many times have my partner done positive things for me? How many times have my partner supported me? When your prefrontal cortex is halfway offline, like we talked about earlier, you're not remembering what the positive things that your partner has done. You literally do not remember. All you can see is the negative. The negative is amplified and the positive is minimized. And when you recognize that, you can prepare yourself for how your PMDD brain is going to be distorted, which is gonna make forgiving your partner very, very difficult. Because if you're only remembering the negative things that your partner has done when you're thinking that they're doing it maliciously because the prefrontal cortex is partially activated, then you're kind of feeling like, why should I forgive them? They don't deserve my forgiveness. You have this level of lack of remorse where you're giving them the silent treatment, which is stonewalling them. You're pulling back the intimacy, you're pulling back the connectedness, and you're feeling no remorse because you're feeling like they deserve it. And so I'm gonna talk to you about the different ways that you know PMDD makes forgiveness really, really hard for you when you're in your luteal phase. So the first one is decisional forgiveness, which is I choose to forgive even if I don't feel like it yet. So this is when you're feeling like your prefrontal cortex. This is the type of forgiveness that is a choice. You're basically saying, I don't feel not offended. I still feel offended, but I'm choosing to forgive because I want to move forward in this relationship. I don't want to continue the stress. I don't want my PMDD symptoms to get worse. I don't want us to not be connected. I want us to be back on the same page. So it is based on the values and the logic. And it's very intentional. You're not waiting for the feeling in order to forgive. PMDD wants you to wait for the feeling because when you're in the lude phase, the feeling is probably not going to be there. There's been so many times where I've had to forgive partners for certain things that I haven't necessarily felt like it. I didn't even feel like they were sorry. They were apologizing, but it wasn't landing because I became aware that when you have premenstrual dysphoric disorder, you have PMDD, a lot of times your partner can be saying things to you and apologizing and genuinely be sympathetic and empathetic to how you're feeling and how they impacted you, but it doesn't land. There's been so many times where you can get very emotionless, you can get very kind of stoic, where it seems like you're just like a brick wall and they're saying all these things to you to try to connect. They're saying, I'm so sorry. I I don't want you to feel this way, all of these things, and you're just like flatlined. And they in the for the partner's aspect, and I'll talk about that in the next episode, but they're gonna feel like, what's the point of apologizing and trying to connect if every single time I try to do it, it's not landing. It's like this wall is up. It's like they can't get through to you while you're in your luteal phase because all you're remembering is what they did in the past, and you're creating this disgusting version of them in your mind. So when they're coming to apologize, you almost think that they're doing it maliciously, like they're trying to get something from you, like your partner is the enemy. Because when you're in your luteal phase, that is what it's geared towards. Your partner is the enemy. So them apologizing, you're like, oh, they're apologizing. What are they trying to get from me? Or why do they want to apologize? You're always thinking that they're doing something shady instead of actually deciding to forgive them because you believe that they're actually sorry and that they have a sense of remorse. So PMDD reduces that prefrontal cortex access. So that part of your brain that would be logical, that would be reasonable, that would give them the benefit of the doubt, it's kind of putting that barrier between you and your PMDD brain. So it makes decision making feel foggy. You're like, I want to forgive them, but I'm also really suspicious as to whether they're doing it for their own reason or because they want something from me. Like you're always feeling very suspicious. So your brain is really foggy, but part of you wants to connect. And the other part of you is like, oh, I don't know if I should, I don't know if I should let my guard down. And then that's when the emotional override really takes control because you're so consumed with the anger, the rage, the offense that it makes it harder for you to actually forgive because you're feeling so many negative emotions that you can't soften in order to forgive. So you may think to yourself, I decided to forgive, but why am I still acting like I haven't forgiven my partner? Like you've actually said to them, I forgive you, but your emotions are not reflecting that. Your actions are not reflecting that. The intimacy is not reflecting that. That's because your prefrontal cortex is not fully back online. So I want you to give yourself some grace and say that I know that I'm making the decision to forgive, but I'm not gonna feel like it because I know that my prefrontal cortex is not fully online. And however you want to word it, you don't even have to use PFC, the prefrontal cortex in that realm, because I know this is not language that you normally use on a on a daily basis. So what I tell for my private clients is I say, just tell yourself, my PMDD brain is active right now. This is not me, this is my PMDD brain. This is not a failure. It's you addressing the the issue that is with your brain when you're in your luteal phase. And so what we do in my PMDD pyramid private sessions is I train your brain to re-engage the prefrontal cortex and to challenge it during the luteal phase. There's a way that you don't have to go off of the default. So your prefrontal cortex is going to be halfway online, so it's going to be geared mostly towards the negative. But what I teach you to do is during the private sessions, we're addressing and re-engaging and kind of giving your prefrontal cortex more context to be able to lean more towards forgiving your partner, giving them the benefit of the doubt. And I'm saying this for good PMD partners, not narcissists, not people that are genuinely causing you to suffer. And I always have to say that because I never want you to feel like you have to forgive abuse. I'm not saying that. I'm saying if your partner genuinely is making mistakes, they're trying the very best that they can and they're just not meeting the mark sometimes, or they're still irritating you, or they're still triggering you. What I help you do in the private sessions that I have with you personally as the PMDD sufferer is we're addressing what way is your PMDD brain distorting what your partner is actually trying to communicate to you in order to say, I, you know, I I'm asking for your forgiveness. Like, why is that not landing? Why are you emotionally not connecting with their forgiveness? Do you not believe them? Do you think it's something malicious? And I get to a place where I'm addressing that with you with PMDD specific tools that are going to rewire your PMDD brain. Because the default is I want to forgive, but I don't, I don't, I'm not looking like I'm forgiving. And I want to be on the same page, but I can't be on the same page. And so it causes you to suffer even more. And then on the other aspect, it stops the self-blaming. You're always blaming yourself when you get into the realm of you're out of PMDD and you cause your partner so much suffering. When we have the private sessions, we're limiting the times that you're in that realm of causing your partner to suffer because you're able to rebound from what your PMDD brain is doing way faster than if you try to figure it out on your own. I know for me, when I'm in my luteo phase, I don't have the capacity to sit there and try to figure out tools and do all the things on my own. I don't have that capacity. I need an outside source. I have a psychotherapist that I handle for everything that I deal with and the trauma that I that comes up for me and things in my childhood, which is one of them that is very common. But I'm not able to do that when I'm in my luteal phase. And I remember burning myself out thinking that, oh, I can just do it myself at like DIY. I can just read something and kind of rewire my brain. Well, when you're in the state of suffering, how are you able to pull yourself out if you're suffering? This is exactly why my PMDD pyramid works because we're not relying on willpower alone. And I'm not beating myself up. And my clients don't beat themselves up because they're expecting themselves to be able to pull themselves out of it. They're drowning, they're trying to survive the luteal phase. So it is not on you to try to rewire your own PMDD brain while you're experiencing PMDD. So the next level of forgiveness that is going to be really, really hard for you when you have your luteal phase and you're suffering with PMDD is the emotional forgiveness. So basically, this is when the brain's limbic system, right? This is when it's activated. This is when anger, resentment, PMDD rage really goes strong. Okay. This is why PMDD makes it harder, is because PMDD heightens the memories that you have in your past of what your partner did. So basically, when you're talking about an issue that your partner and you had, you're feeling those same emotions. More intensely when you're in your luteal phase. This is why talk therapy is kind of dangerous when you're in your luteal phase and you have PMDD, because if all you're doing is replaying what happened, replaying the event of what happened, what triggered you, what you didn't like, what pissed you off, your limbic system is being fed by all of that negativity and it coming out. So old wounds that you've had in the past, they feel like they're happening in present tense. So what happens is you'll start to treat your partner as if what they did in the past, they're still presently doing. And for the partner, they may not have, they may not be doing that anymore. But it's making it harder for you to forgive them because now that you've gone through that realm of opening up that wound, you're talking about it again. It's hard for you to forgive them for something that they did in the past when it feels like that they're presently doing it because you're experiencing that emotion. And this can reset every single cycle. So you may say to yourself, and I've said it before, like, I healed this already. Why does it, why is it still hurting? Why does it hurt again? Why does it feel like I'm going through all of this all over again? So the truth of when you have PMDD is that it reactivates your emotional memory. It makes you emotionally go through the same traumatic event again and again and again. This is why I give you my PMDD trauma transformational tools because you're going through that traumatic event all over again. It doesn't erase the healing, it reactivates the event as if you're re-experiencing it. So it's it makes sense why it hurts a lot. And so your partner may be saying, I already apologize for that, and even getting upset that they're having to re-apologize for it. But for you, it feels like they did it again because PMDD will make you remember it again and again and again on a constant loop. So you're really dealing with the emotional memory loops. So when we're having the private sessions, what I do is I get that loop to slow down and we handle it one-on-one. I deal with the emotions from that memory that are coming up so that you're not triggering your partner to get defensive, because that is one of the core pillars of a PMDD breakup is you get that resentment, that bitterness, that defensiveness. And then your partner starts saying and doing things that are out of character because they're feeling like they need to defend themselves. They're feeling like you're accusing them of doing it all over again. And they're kind of feeling like, I already apologized. What more do you want from me? Okay, so this prevents the monthly emotional relapse that keeps your relationship stuck in the cycle of talking about issues that you've had in the past, feeling those same emotions again and again and again, and then feeling like I might as well break up because guess what? You get burnt out. You get burnt out about talking about the same thing again and again and again with no resolution. When there's no resolution to a problem, you're opening up a can of worms and then it's just out there. And then it's just existing. And so the next way that it makes it harder is the self-forgiveness. This is really hard. And this is one of the ones that I struggle with the most. When I make a mistake with a partner, I feel justified in the moment when I'm in my luteal phase. When I when I'm going through PMDD and I'm in my luteal phase, I say and do the things that I feel are warranted for this specific situation. But when I come out of PMDD and I look back at the situation and think, oh my gosh, I should have handled it like this, or I could have handled it like this. And then all of a sudden, it's really hard for me to forgive myself. It's hard for me to forgive myself, even if my partner has forgiven me, even if they say I'm willing to let it go because they want to move forward, because they want to experience the relationship like it was in the past. I haven't forgiven myself. And so it makes it so hard to forgive myself, self-forgiveness. And then maybe the same thing for you, where I literally had to say this mantra of I release the shame for who I was during my Luteal phase when I was suffering with my PMDD symptoms. I released the shame of that. And I have to literally release it because I will be like, oh my gosh, I was such a monster, or I said this this way, or I yelled at my partner, or I offended my partner. I said something that was below the belt that I knew would hurt them. And it's so out of character. And this is why the self-forgiveness is so hard because, and this is why I sympathize so much with my private clients that have PMDD, because you're some of the most nicest, kindest, loving individuals when you're not in your luteal phase, that you almost look back at it, and there's this level of shame that keeps you stuck that you don't even feel like you deserve to receive the forgiveness of your partner. You don't even think that you deserve it. You almost think like they shouldn't forgive me. And you know what this does when you kind of get to the point where you have to forgive yourself and overcome what your PMDD brain is telling you that you're a monster, that you're crazy, that your partner deserves something better, somebody better. It's it's you have to have compassion, compassion for yourself and recognizing I'm dealing with uh the highest level of suffering that I've ever dealt with. I'm dealing with PMDD, I'm dealing with my luteal phase. And then you have to do what I work with my clients that have PMDD is identity separation. Who are you outside of your luteal phase? Who are you without PMDD? Because if you forget that version of you, then PMDD will make you feel like who you are in your luteal phase is who you are all month long. And that is not the truth. That is the trick of PMDD to make you feel like maybe this really is who I am. Maybe I do really feel like this about my partner. It is tricking you into believing that you are a monster to keep you in that realm where forgiveness for yourself becomes impossible because you're overcome with shame and shame will keep you stuck because it'll keep you replaying. And I've been here so many times where you're replaying all of the things that you've said and done in your mind on repeat. It's almost like you're watching a movie of it. So it gets you into this realm of self-criticism where you're constantly criticizing yourself and you're you're thinking, like, oh, I had the tools. Even if you listen to the podcast for a while and you really start to think to yourself, like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that you know, that I'm still doing this and I'm getting the help or I'm doing this. I should be further along. Like, you start to believe that you shouldn't be in the place that you are, that you should be able to control your emotions. How many times have you said that to yourself? Like, I should be able to control my emotions when I'm in PMDD. I should be able to do this. And the answer is no, this is not a realm of you should be able to do anything, or you you get into this inner dialogue that says, I ruin everything. You know, we were having a good day, we were having a good date night, we were having a good moment, and I messed it all up. I'm just too much, or I should be better by now. I've been in this PMDD loop for years, for months, and I should, I should have a handle on it. And you almost think that you should be able to not have PMDD, even though you have PMDD. That's really the reality of it. You're you're kind of putting yourself on this pedestal and saying, if I was a better person, if I just used more of the tools, if I did this, then I wouldn't be suffering as much. But the truth of the matter is, and I have to explain this, PMDD is the symptoms are neurobiological. They're not a failure on who you are and your character as a person. This is something that's happening in your PMDD brain. This is not something that you are choosing. And I always say PMDD is not our fault, but it's our responsibility to manage. And the way that you manage that is when you have the PMDD private sessions with me, there's a level of self-forgiveness that's a core pillar. It's one of the biggest things that we work on. It's not just about you struggling with forgiving your partner. It is about how we can get you to the point where you're forgiving yourself. We're separating identity from the symptoms. We're going deep into how you're really feeling about yourself as a result of having PMDD symptoms and it impacting your relationship. Because at some point you get to the point where you recognize this is this isn't just my partner triggering me. It's actually me that's causing a lot of the suffering. And it takes, you know, you have to drop the ego, you have to drop the pride and really recognize we're having a lot of our issues because of my PMDD symptoms. And we're healing that shame in your nervous system. Because when you're in a system of shame, it impacts your intimacy. You're not wanting to be intimate with your partner because you're remembering all the things that you said and did to them. So you're it's like you're almost not feeling worthy to experience that level of compassion that your partner is giving you because you feel horrible for what it is that you did, and you feel tortured because you can't go back and take it back. You can say sorry, but you don't really feel like your partner forgot what it is that you did, and you almost feel like your character is being in question. Like, oh my gosh, they must think I'm horrible, or they must think this, or they they probably really don't want to be with me, or they probably really wish that they could not be with me. And there's this inner dialogue that is so negative that you have because you almost got to the point where you felt like the version of you in PMDD is who you really are. And so what we do on those private sessions is many of my clients finally get to the point where they stop hating the luteal version of themselves. They stop getting to their point where they're hating themselves every single time that they go into PMDD and they're feeling like they don't have to dread going through their luteal phase again because I'm giving them tools that are helping them to really address how they're feeling. Because your partner can't really make you feel better if you don't forgive yourself. And I've had this happen so many times where my partner is like, Rose, I forgive you for what it is. Stop beating yourself up. And it's like nothing that they were saying was really landing because it's almost like, of course, you're saying that. Of course, you want to move on, you want things to be better, of course you're forgiving me. Like I wasn't truly believing that they were forgiving me, but I wasn't feeling it. It wasn't landing. It wasn't until I really got to do the work to really get to the root of why do I feel like it's so hard for me to forgive myself even when my partner has forgiven me? And this is the work that I do on the PMD pyramid sessions. I really deal with if your partner has a accepted your apology, you've apologized, you're kind of like, why is the forgiveness not working? We get to the root of that. And so the next one is relational forgiveness. So it's forgiving your partner while still staying in the relationship. Okay. So why PMDD really makes this harder is because even though you've said that you've forgiven your partner, your PMDD brain is still constantly scanning for a threat. It's it's asking you again and again, am I really safe with them? Are they gonna go off on me again? Can I really trust that this is not gonna happen again? What if this happens again? Is it gonna get worse than the last time? And this is especially prevalent when you've had PMDD rage episodes and then all of a sudden, you know, it's it's like, oh my gosh, I remember how bad I felt after that PMDD rage episode. How do I know that it's not gonna happen again? And I've even had partners, and I'll talk about this next episode, where they literally said, unless you can guarantee to me, Dr. Rose, that my partner is never gonna go off like they did last month in PMDD Rage, then I don't know if I can continue this relationship. And it's kind of like, well, wait a minute. How can I predict what is going to happen next month? And it's almost like making that a prerequisite. So it's putting those kind of like boundaries up. And it's like, I don't know, I don't know that I can feel safe until I know that we can turn this off and stop it. And so what I do in those private sessions for the partner is I deal with what is it that's gonna make them feel safe to stay in the relationship after a PMDD rage episode, after you've gone through the same cycle again and again and again. And even after you've gone to counselors and therapists and other individuals that have claimed to be able to help you, how can I make you feel safe trusting again, trusting the relationship again? And what happens in the private private sessions with the partners is they often say, okay, this finally makes sense. You're not only understanding the aspect of what the PMDD sufferer is going through, but you're understanding what I'm going through. So in these PMDD pyramid private sessions with the partner, they're understanding that because I've counseled hundreds and hundreds of PMD partners, I get their the aspect of their suffering as well. I'm not minimizing their struggle and what they're going through. So they finally feel like they can move forward because they have that level of support that is not just one-sided for the individual that's suffering with PMDD. So the next one that comes up that makes you know PMDD forgiveness so hard or forgiving while you have PMDD is the narrative. This is so huge for me. This is this is one of the biggest tools that I have to use for myself personally. And everybody has like out of all of the ones that I'm mentioning, every client has like different ones that they struggle with. But this one for me is gold. I have to literally change the story that I tell about myself and my partner after one of these traumatic events, one of these arguments, one of these fights, one of these PMDD rage episodes. I have to rewire my brain in the realms of my prefrontal cortex. What this means is I have to put the whole situation in perspective. I have to look at the facts of the situation. And PMDD makes this hard, really, really hard in your luteal phase because it mixes up time. It turns your past into your present. Your pain doesn't feel temporary, it feels permanent, and it becomes thinking all or nothing. So, what I mean by that is when you get into this realm of really feeling like it's harder for you to change the narrative is because you're feeling like what your partner did in the past is actually in the present. So, what we have to do on these private sessions is we have to look at, okay, if you're saying that you're you're triggered because your partner did this and this and this, when is the last time that they've done it? It's really revealing the ultimate truth of what is really going on and reframing, rewiring your PMDD brain to bring you back into is this really still happening? Did you did you say that you forgave them before? Did you really mean that? Or did you mean it in the moment and now you don't mean it anymore because it's come back because you're in your luteal phase and you're feeling the pain all over again? So this is PMDD specific distortion. We have to correct the distortion that's happening in your PMDD brain that's making you feel like what your partner did in the past, they're gonna do again because there's a lot of fear behind that. And I've been there so many times where I've literally been like, I can't forgive them because I literally feel like they don't, they're not sorry. So if someone for me, if you're not sorry, then I feel like you're absolutely gonna do it again. If I feel like you're gonna do it again, then I don't feel safe with you. If I don't feel safe with you, then I can't forgive you and move on. So now I'm in this in-between period where my partner may say they want me to forgive them and they want to be able to move on, but I can't do it because I'm constantly feeling like they're about to do it again. And it keeps my nervous system on high alert, which, yes, key fact, makes my PMD symptoms worse. So is it my relationship? Is it my partner that's making my PMDD symptoms worse? No, it is my inability to forgive and I'm holding on to the fear that it's gonna happen again. So intrinsically, I'm actually making my PMDD symptoms worse. But I know it's so easy for us to project that on our partners and say, you know, you're making my PMD symptoms worse, but is it really your partner or is it the fact that you're having a hard time forgiving your partner? So what we do in the PMDD pyramid private sessions is we're healing and rewiring the narrative that you're telling yourself, the story that you're telling yourself in your mind about what happened. And we really have to go in depth. And so this is when I want to work with the partners individually when we have those sessions, because I don't want you triggering your partner while you're trying to heal your own triggers. This is the biggest mistake that happens because now we have to we have to recreate the scenario and break it down. When I used to do these sessions, and this is before I created the pyramid system, is I used to have this the sessions together, and they would be so it was like a it was like an intensive. I remember one time I was like, I cannot continue to do this. I was on a session one time for I I'm kidding you not for four hours because we I had to rewire the brains of the partner and then the individual who was suffering with PMDD, and then every single time that I was addressing one, the other one was triggered. And I said, you know what? We we cannot continue to do this. We cannot continue to do this because we got to a point where, you know, it wasn't a situation where it was separated. It really was a situation where, you know, the partner who had PMDD and the other one, they really genuinely felt like they were re-experiencing the situation all over again. And when you feel like you're experiencing it again, it's really hard for you to have that level of kind of understanding that you're safe now. You're not in the same space, you're not re-experiencing the situation. And your nervous system can really calm down and your PMDD symptoms will be so much better. And the symptoms that your partner is having, the anxiety and the feel like they're walking on eggshells, that is going to be decreased because they have that level of, okay, we are not in the past, we are in the present right now. And the way that you get past the past is you really find a solution for whatever happened. A lot of times it's harder for you to forgive because you never sealed the deal. You never came up with an agreement to say, okay, this is not gonna happen because we're doing this right now. You don't have a plan. So when you don't have a plan, your PMDD brain is never gonna really turn off from being in that state of panic because it's always gonna be feeling like it needs to fix it. And the only way that your PMDD brain wants to fix any of your issues is to what? Break up, which is the PMDD monthly breakups. So if forgiveness feels really hard for you with PMDD, it doesn't mean that you're broken. It means that your brain needs to be rewired with PMDD specific tools that are gonna help you see your situation outside of what PMDD is showing you and for the partners outside of what you're feeling that PMDD is bringing into your relationship. So I've opened limited spots for my PMDD pyramid private sessions where we work through forgiveness, emotional regulation, relationship safety, trusting yourself again, trusting that you're not gonna go through the same cycle again and again and again. So if you're tired of receiving repeating the same pattern every single month, then make sure that you sign up for those sessions. And until next time, we got this.