PMDD Partner Edition- Why PMDD Makes Forgiving Your Partner Feel Impossible

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Ever feel like you’ve apologized, made peace, and then the same wound reopens weeks later? We explore why forgiveness slips through your fingers when PMDD hits, and how partners can respond in ways that quiet reactivity instead of fanning it. Drawing on hundreds of partner interviews and brain-based insights, we break down what actually happens in the luteal phase: the prefrontal cortex loses grip, the limbic system takes the wheel, and yesterday’s hurt floods today’s body. That shift explains why logic falls flat, why memories roar back, and why intimacy can stall even after a sincere sorry.

We walk through the language that backfires and the scripts that help. Ditch minimizers like we’ve already talked about this or why can’t you let it go and try anchors that restore safety: I know you chose forgiveness earlier, even if it feels far away; we don’t have to solve this right now; let’s circle back when we’re clearer. You’ll learn how to stop arguing facts with a brain that can’t access them, and how to separate the person you love from the symptoms you’re seeing. Simple reframes like this sounds like PMDD talking, this isn’t the truth about you reduce shame and make reconnection possible.

We also address the partner’s side: the erosion of self-respect after repeated lines in the sand, the temptation to shut down, and the fixer reflex that often reads as pressure. Instead of pushing for a quick reset, practice presence, validate what feels intense, and pause permanent decisions during the luteal phase. Customization matters—each month brings different stressors and triggers—so we share a toolkit approach rather than one-size-fits-all rules. By trading courtroom energy for team energy, you can move from endless rehashing to steady repair, protect intimacy from emotional memory, and rebuild hope one calm choice at a time.

If this resonates, subscribe, share with a partner who needs it, and leave a review to help others find these tools.

Transcript

Setting The Stage For PMDD Partners

The Cost Of Disrespect And Betrayal

Why Partners Stay And Self-Respect Erodes

Inside The PMDD Brain: Logic Vs Emotion

Forgiveness Disrupted By The Luteal Phase

What Not To Say During Rehashing

Language That Calms And Validates

Emotional Memory And Intimacy Blocks

Partners Aren’t Fixers: Be Present

Rebuilding Hope And Partner Identity

Shame, Self-Forgiveness, And Reframing

Threat Sensitivity And Shutting Down

Stop Arguing Facts, Build Safety

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Today, this episode is all about PMDD partners, and I am so excited to share these tools with you today because if you do not know, I have such a heart for the partners of individuals who suffer with PMDD. My dissertation for my doctorate is called A Phenomenological Study of the Relationship Experiences of Partners of Individuals Who Suffer with Premstrual Dysphoric Disorder, also known as PMDD. So my complete dissertation was filled with hundreds of interviews that I have done with the partners alone to understand their experience with being in a relationship with someone who has PMDD. And so I understand, feel what it is that you are going through in your PMDD relationship, in your journey of being with someone who has PMDD, whether you knew that they had PMDD and then decided to be in a relationship with them or you didn't know. I've had so many partners where they've been with their partners for years. And then so they try to navigate that. So this episode is really going to help you because it's going to let you know that forgiving your partner when they have PMDD is one of the hardest things that you can do when you've been disrespected. This is what I've learned over time that this is one of the biggest things and the hardest things that, you know, PMDD partners have to really sit with because it makes them, they're in this kind of decision-making process of should I stay or should I go? Because once you've disrespected certain people, it's very hard to go back and forgive them because they feel this level of betrayal and they almost feel like you don't see them, you don't see their value, you don't see their worth. And so you're willing, you would be willing to disrespect them again. Almost like if your partner has gone off on PMDD Rage and they've said and done things to you that are so below the belt, so nasty, so disgusting, like you're just like, is that what they really think about me? So that's kind of what partners deal with is they're trying to wonder if the things that are said in PMDD rage or in these arguments or these fights or these disagreements or when they're triggered or when they're in the alludial phase, do they really mean that? Because then your partner could come back when they're like in their, you know, follicular phase or when they're in administration, even and be like, oh, I'm sorry, babe, I didn't mean that. But then deep in the partner's mind, they're like, I almost feel like you really do, because a lot of partners really do believe that you don't like them, that you hate them sometime. And I've heard that, I've heard that so many times on sessions where partners are like, I don't even think, not only do I not think that she loves me, I don't even think she likes me half the time. I think she's disgusted with me. I think she doesn't want me to be around. And they have to really sit with why am I sitting here in a relationship with someone that I don't even feel like wants me, desires to be with me, desires to be in this relationship because they've said it over and over again. I should be single. I'm just they said all these things, and then the partners are just having to sit there and deal with the reality of their relationship because they genuinely love you. They genuinely desire to be with you. So that's that fork in the road. So I'm this episode is really, really gonna help you because it's gonna help partners, PMDD partners understand what to do when they really want to forgive their PMDD partner and not be stuck in this cycle of questioning should I even keep continuing to fight for this? Should I even continue to be here? Is this the my last straw? How many times have I said it's my last straw? That happens very often where it's like if you do this one more time, I'm out, but then you're never out. So then you have to sit with the shame of you start to feel like there's a level of disrespect for yourself, like you're losing respect for yourself because you're not following through on things that you've said that you would do if you were disrespected in a certain way, and you still stay there. Because every single time that you don't do what you say you're gonna do, you lose respect for yourself, and so you have to sit with you're feeling this lack of respect for yourself and you're recognizing that it's coming from what your partner has said and done, the individual that suffers with PMDD. So let's get right into it. I'm gonna tell you what goes on with the PMDD brain. Um, so that you just understand, because I think for a lot of partners, if they're able to understand that there's another layer to this, that their partner is not maliciously trying to hurt them, not maliciously trying to disrespect them. If they're able to understand what is going on, Dr. Rose, like beneath the surface, this is what happens on the private sessions or the pyramid sessions that are now coming up available for March. Um the understanding of it helps them remove that level of offense and defensiveness that you may be feeling that's stopping you from feeling like that you could actually forgive your partner. So the prefrontal cortex, this is the part of your brain that is logical, that has the reasoning, that can control their impulses. For the partners, this is probably the part that is activated the most because you're able to, maybe you're not as reactive to what your partner is doing because you're not in PMDD. Or maybe you're on the opposite end where your prefrontal cortex is less accessible because you're being triggered. Maybe it's causing you to be more impulsive, you to be less logical, you to have your reasoning lessened. Your prefrontal cortex actually is impacted just as much as the individual that suffers with PMDD when you're connected because of the trauma that you're going through in these situations. So, do you have the cyclical symptoms the same as the individual who suffers with PMD, your partner? No. But are you impacted in the same way? The answer is yes. So the prefrontal cortex is what we want to be always fully active so that we don't overreact, so that we don't overthink, so that we don't have this heightened level of anxiety that impacts our emotions and behaviors, and we go off on PMDD rage. We want that fully activated at all times. But when the individual who suffers with PMDD goes into their luteal phase, it's less accessible. It's there, but it's not really there. There's like glimpses of it, but it's not fully there. So it's not fully doing its job. So the limbic system is the part that has the emotional reactions, the threat, the memories. You're thinking about the past again and again and again. It's overreacted during the luteal phase. So when your in your partner who suffers with PMD is in their luteal phase, they're constantly remembering things about the past. If you're wondering why you keep having arguments about things that you're not presently doing, it's because during the luteal phase, the past becomes the present. The limbic system is overly activated, it's bringing up so many things. Like they are not even trying to think about the past, but the limbic system is on high alert. So it's giving them all these scenarios about remember they did this and remember they did that, and they could do this again, and they probably could do that again. And what I want you to notice for the partners is your partner who is suffering with PMDD is not choosing to stay stuck in the past and what happened in the past, and the past hurts. They are temporarily operating from a different brain state in the luteal phase. They do not want to be there. It's actually causing them to suffer to be there. So I know a lot of times with partners, you think, oh, I had so many clients that are partners that's literally say, I think that PMD, they're just using PMDD as an excuse to be, you know, rude and mean to me. I feel like they really feel this way about me, but they're just choosing to use PMDD as an escape goat of saying, oh, this is why I'm treating you this way. When deep down this is how they really feel. Your partner is not choosing to have their brain be distorted during the Luteo phase. I want partners to really understand that they're not choosing it. I always get, you know, I tell them that they are responsible. I say, PMDD is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to manage. So I do not give individuals with PMDD an excuse to mistreat, disrespect, or abuse partners, but I do tell them that this is something that they have to manage, which is why I created all of my private sessions because it because the reason why the private sessions are so impactful, because there's so many different things that can come up and it's different every time. There's nothing cookie-cutter. So I know a lot of individuals try to address PMDD as like a one-stop shop. Oh, just do this and just do that. And it's not the same as any other disorder because the different things that come up on a monthly basis, one month there's tools for this, and one month there's tools for that. There's different things going on in your life every month. So that's also gonna impact the way that PMDD is affecting it. So there's never a cookie cutter thing. The tools that I use for one client is not the tools that I use for another client. I take my time to get to know what is really going on so that I can give you the customized PMD trauma transformational tools on these sessions. Because if I gave you something cookie-cutter, you're probably gonna beat yourself up if it didn't work for you. Because you're gonna be like, oh, it worked for this person. You know, why didn't it work for me? There must be something wrong with me, or there must be something wrong with my relationship, or maybe that means that we shouldn't be together. No, I never want you to think that because what worked for one person doesn't work for you, that that means that you're not supposed to be together. That is absolutely not true. So when it comes to forgiveness, I really want to talk to you about this from your lens, from why is it so hard for you to maybe forgive your partner, maybe for you to get over certain things, right? So with a PMDD partner, what you often think is, but you said you forgave me. Why is this still coming up? What you really struggle with, and what I really empathize with and sympathize with is you've gone through the emotions, you've gone through the arguments, you've gone through the fights, and you come to a place where both of you have said sorry, and now you're confused as to why is this coming up again? If I've already apologized, you kind of get burnt out on apologizing. Like I didn't do it again. So why am I still apologizing for what I did before? I already feel bad about it, I've already beaten myself up about it. You're actually making me feel worse about it, and you're going through this realm of self-loathing to where you almost start to get pissed off at them for making you keep apologizing for something that you've already apologized for. So I want to just explain to you in those moments what's actually happening. The decision to forgive happened in a clear brain phase of the cycle. When they're in their follicular phase, when they're in menstruation, when they're in ovulation, they clearly forgave you when their brain was able to do it. But then they got into the luteal phase, and PMDD disrupts access to that decision. It almost makes them forget their decision to forgive you. It almost makes them question their decision to forgive you. It almost makes them think that I should have never forgave them because the ego comes up and it's like, but they did this, and the ego will tell them, oh, they you shouldn't let them treat you like that, and you shouldn't let them talk to you like that. And so basically, the ego is making them try to take back their forgiveness. And that's why you're having to rehash the same arguments again and again and again, and you get stuck in that cycle. So the emotional reactivity resurfaces, not intentionally, but because that's what PMDD wants you to do. It wants you to stay stuck in the cycle of negativity. So it wants you to keep repeating it again and again and again. So what makes it worse as the partner, I'm going to give you some key things of what not to say and how not to address it when you're being faced with going over the same argument again and again and again, even after you've your partner has said that they've forgiven you. Do not say to them, we've already talked about this, because what that's doing is that's invalidating their present state. Remember, I told you because of their pre-frontal cortex not being fully online, what is really happened in the past, it feels present tense for them. So when you're telling them not to address something that is feels really present to them, it feels very dismissive. And it makes them get reactive, they get irritable, or they're either going to shut down or you're gonna have another argument. So you're not gonna tell them, oh, we've already talked about this. The reality is, have you already talked about it? Absolutely. Is that something to say when you're in that situation? Absolutely not. Okay, so another thing that you don't want to say is, why can't you just let this go? If they could let it go, they would let it go. If an individual could just let it go, just magically, like I'm letting it go, or I'm gonna pretend like it doesn't, it didn't happen, I'm gonna pretend like I'm not feeling it. They don't want to feel this level of unforgiveness because it's causing their PMDD symptoms to actually be worse because their cortisol levels are heightened, which it makes their PMD symptoms be inflamed and heightened. So they don't want to be in that realm of not forgiving you and thinking about the past. And there, that's where their brain is taking them. And again, it is their responsibility to manage and navigate that, which is why I created my sessions, but just telling them why can't you just let it go? They're gonna just scream back at you because I have PMD. I don't freaking know. Like they're not gonna have an answer for that because they want to be able to just let it go. And then another thing that you do not want to say as a partner is you're going backwards, you're going backwards. They understand that they're going backwards, but their backwards seems forward. It seems like it's the right thing to do because it's presently what's ruminating in their brain again and again and again. So they don't really feel like they're going backwards. They're aware that they already talked about it, they're aware that they're repeating themselves. This is another thing that you don't want to say as the partner is, oh, you're repeating yourself. Because when your partner who suffers with PMDD is in their luteal phase, they're repeating what's going on in their brain. The cycle of negativity is repeating in their brain, therefore they're repeating it out loud to you. So when you're saying that they're repeating themselves, you're calling them out on something that they're not necessarily able to control. This is why I say it's so important to have the PMDD pyramid private sessions one on one and then together, because I know that they're gonna repeat themselves because that's the rumination that's going on in their brain, and we can process it with no issue. But if it really triggers you as a partner for them to repeat themselves, and that's not something that they can control, and they feel like that's the only way that they can express themselves, they're gonna feel very dismissed. And then the intimacy is gonna go down because they're gonna feel like, I guess I got to deal with this all on my own. I guess I'm, you know, I guess I'm the problem. It's me, I'm the problem, it's me. So instead, what I want you to say to them is I know that you chose forgiveness earlier, even if it doesn't feel accessible right now. Or we don't have to solve this in this moment. Give your partner who's suffering with PMDD permission to not have to make a decision about what happened or even address what happened in the past again with compassion. Give them the opportunity to say, you know what, we don't have to solve this right now. Let's table this. You know, my my partner is really, really good with let's circle back. So that's kind of the phrase that that he'll use when he sees that the situation is going in a certain way and the conversation is not gonna be conducive to anything really positive happening. So he'll be like, let's just circle back. And then for me, I'm calm and okay with that because I know that at some point we're gonna talk about it, but dismissing it and saying, oh, we're gonna talk about this again, that's gonna make me want to talk about it even more. So please, as a partner, do not do that. So in the private sessions, you know, I'm teaching you as a partner how to not escalate what your partner is already suffering with in the luteal phase so that they don't blame their PMDD symptoms on you. I know you do not like hearing that all of their PMDD symptoms are worsened by you and their interaction with you and their relationship with you. You're the problem, you're the problem. They would be so much better single. You know, you make my PMDD symptoms worse. I know you don't want to hear that. So I give you the tools that helps you not escalate, not give them more bait and proof of why you're making their PMDD symptoms worse and why they should just be single. So the next one is the emotional forgiveness, right? So I know you're really thinking as the partner, why does this still hurt them so much if I've already apologized? Why do we have to keep talking about this? Why do we keep having to process this again and again and again? Why is why is it hurting them if I'm not still doing the act that previously hurt them? What's actually happening is their emotional memory is being reactivated. So all of the memories of the past are being brought to the present, and the emotions that are tied to those memories are being brought back to the surface. So the rage, the rejection, the irritability, the hurt, all of those emotions are coming back up again. And so the body remembers the pain before logic can really come in there, right? Because they'll remember the logical side of their brain is lessened during the luteal phase. But what the body will remember is the pain of the past. And so this is how intimacy can really be affected because you're like, why don't they want to be intimate with me? Why don't they want to be close to me? Because the body is remembering all the things that you said. Oh my gosh, this has happened to me so many times where partners have said nasty things to me in the middle of an argument, and it may have been provoked by me, I don't know, but they said nasty things, and my body remembers how if how hurt I felt when they said these nasty things, right? And so when they go try to be intimate with me, even close or affectionate, all I'm remembering are the hurtful words that they said. So it shuts my body down. My body's not able to connect with them because all it's remembering is the hurtful words or things that they had said in the past. Even if they've apologized, even if I've forgiven them, when I'm in my luteal phase, it feels like it happened again, and now I'm in the state of disconnection. So what I don't want you to say, and what really, really makes it worse is minimizing your individual who has PMDD's feelings. Getting immediately defensive. Do not get immediately defensive when you feel like, oh, we're talking about this again, because it's it's almost like you get into the room or oh, I said this. Well, what about you? You said this, you said this. All you're doing is adding fuel to the fire. You're adding gasoline on a fire when you get defensive. When you start to counter it and you start to say tit for tat, you did this and you did this. It's giving more power to PMDD to cause your partner to not forgive even more, to cause you guys to be fighting even more. And so the next thing is taking emotional intensity personally. I know it's so hard, and I don't really agree with the notion that the partner should never take anything personally in a sense that it shouldn't affect them. But I will say that the intent is not for it to maliciously affect you. And I hope you understand the difference. I know that you are infected and impacted by everything that your partner goes through in PMDD and how it's affecting you and how they're treating you and how it feels different. I know and I believe that you shouldn't avoid that. You shouldn't stuff it down and pretend like it doesn't bother you. I know that it bothers you. I know from talking to so many partners that it does make you feel horrible about yourself, especially when you're trying so hard and there's so many limited resources out there to really tell, you know, PMDD partners how to be a supportive PMDD partner while still getting their needs met. So if you haven't gotten my course, my partner has PMDD Now What? Please go to the link down below and you can also get that too. And this will really, really help you. But I this is what I really want you to know as a partner. Your job is not to fix the emotions that your PMDD suffer is having. It's not your job to fix it. And I know a lot of partners are fixers. They want to just get them back to feeling good again, get them back to how they are in maybe you know, their follicular phase and ovulation. They want to hurry up and get them back. So they're kind of like, give me a tool to get them back. What I can tell you is that what you can say to your partner that's really going to help is I see this feels really intense for you right now. I'm here. We can slow this down. Be present, don't try to make them rush through. All the suffering that they're going through because then they're going to feel like you're minimizing them, you're not validating them, you're only doing it for your own benefit. You know, I've heard so many clients say, oh, he's just doing this, or she's just doing this because she wants to sleep with me or he wants to sleep with me. That's why they're trying to hurry up and get past it. They don't really care how I'm feeling, they don't really care how I'm suffering. So you never want to make the individual who is suffering with PMDD feel like you're only trying to get past the argument or the fight or the forgiveness in order to get something for you. Because if they feel like that, they're going to feel like you're playing them, they're going to put their guard up and it's going to make forgiveness be further in the distance. So what I really do for the partners during my PMDD private sessions is I want to get you to the point where we're reducing the things that you are saying and doing from a good place, from a good heart that do damage to your PMDD relationship. Because I don't want you to get to the point where you feel burnt out and then you're just like, well, I'm just not going to say anything. I guess I can't say anything right. I guess I can't do anything right. So I'm just going to do nothing. I've seen so many partners be lying dormant in their relationship. No emotion, no connection, no happiness, no hope, which is the, I mean, when there's no hope, it just looks miserable. And they're just like, every month is going to be the same. They just got to this level of accepting misery as their reality. And I want to get you out of that cycle of feeling like that's all that your relationship can be. I want to be able to restore the hope in your PMDD relationship by really getting to know what your experience has been and then rebuilding. There's a rebuilding process for you. Because a lot of you partners have been torn down. PMDD partners have been torn down by things that have been said and done by individuals who suffer with PMDD that they love, that they care about. And I'm not saying that they're bad. I'm never going to say individuals who suffer with PMDD are bad. But I will say some of the things that they have done to partners are damaging and it sticks. And it's things that you have to carry with you. And if you don't take time to really unpack what's really happening for you. And I know as a partner, it's so hard because you're so used to making everything about your partner who has PMDD and their suffering and they're this, but stuff is happening with you too. Whether you want to admit it or not, whether you recognize it or not, a lot is going on with you. And so what we do in those sessions is we finally give you time to address what is really going on with you and to really rebuild you so that you can be a better PMDD partner, not just for your partner, but for yourself. And the next thing happens is, you know, the self-forgiveness lens, right? When you say to your partner, you know, I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself. Basically, individuals who suffer with PMDD are hard on themselves. But if you're asking them not to be, it's making them feel bad about them being hard on themselves, if that makes sense. So what's actually really happening is PMDD increases the level of shame that your partner is feeling. Things that they said and done are probably things that they never thought that they would say and do. But because they're in their luteal phase and their PMDD brain is taking over, they've they've done it and they can't escape it. In some sense, they can't escape that memory. So that level of shame is sitting heavy on them. And so the inner critic that they have is louder when they're in their luteal phase. They're beating themselves up. And so, what I want you to know as a partner, these are some things that you may say that's actually making it worse. You're overreacting. It's not that bad. You shouldn't feel that way. I've already forgiven you. When you're telling your partner that they shouldn't feel the way that they actually feel, when they don't have a control over how they feel, it it just makes them feel even more distant from you. Like you don't understand, like you just don't get it. And I know you've heard this so many times, you just don't get it. I can't just forget it. I can't just all of a sudden feel better. So I want you to help separate who they are from what PMDD does. This is really going to help you get to the realm of forgiving a lot of things that they've said and done is really remembering who your partner is at their core, aside from PMDD. So, what you can do when you're addressing your partner and you're in those cycles of all of these things where you can't forgive and every, you know, the arguing and the fighting is you can say this sounds like PMDD talking. This is not the truth about you. Like if they're if they're struggling with forgiving themselves for things that they've said and done, you're you can say this sounds like the PMDD shame talking. This is not the truth about who I know you to be. And again, you can reframe this into the verbiage that they how you talk, but this is just giving you, you know, a little um a little tool that you can use and but again, customize it to what works for you. This is what I do for my private clients. And you can say things like, I know this isn't who you are. And you can really put their name on it because I find that when you're in your luteal phase and you say their name, it really helps them kind of snap out of it a little bit. I know it's happened for me before, where a partner has said to me, you know, I know this is not really who you are, Rose. And it literally got my attention to where I was like, this is not who I am. This is not what I'm like, this is not my heart. This is not my intention. Like it makes you really stop the PMDD brain from having so much power by really speaking to who you know that they are instead of speaking to the PMDD that's presenting itself to you. So in the PMDD pyramid sessions together, I help you get rid when we have the sessions that are all both of us, all of us, get rid of the shame for both of you. Both of you are gonna have a lot of shame and guilt about things that you've said and done. So that you're both not feeling like maybe because I've I've had it where they're like, I think we're too far gone. You know, they come to me when they're on their last leg and are like, We do you like Dr. Ruse, you don't know what we've done, you don't know what we've said. And and I I will, I can say, I've probably seen and heard it all from physical abuse, verbal abuse, um, triggers, breakups every month, all of the things I've seen and heard it all. So there's not a level where I feel like it's too far gone. There, there's a level of healing and accountability and forgiveness and all of all of these tools being implemented so that their actionable tools are in place for it not to happen again, but it's not impossible. So the next one is when you're as a partner, when you're really asking yourself, why do we keep revisiting old stuff? Why do we keep talking about things in the past? So this is when PMDD can increase threat sensitivity. And what this means is always looking for the negative. So basically, your partner's PMDD brain is always trying to prevent an argument that happened in the past from happening again. So it makes them on high alert. So everything you say and do is being held against you in the court of law of their PMDD brain. Because they're like, oh, you can tell a joke, and I bet you that joke is not funny when they're in the luteal phase, where they would normally joke and laugh with you, and then all of a sudden they're in a luteal phase and like, what do you mean by that? Why are you saying that? Is that what you really feel? And then you're looking like, I always tell this joke, I'm always joking with you. You would have normally found that funny. But now because you're in your luteal phase, it's not funny. So what really makes this worse is again shutting down. And I know it's so easy for you to think that shutting down is an option, like a viable option, like, oh, I'm just gonna, because you're trying to disassociate from the uncomfortability that's happening, but that's actually one of the most damaging things you can do is really shut down on your partner. And the other thing is interpreting processing as punishment. This is very common where you're feeling like your partner who suffers with PMDD processing what happened in the past is a punishment to you. You're taking their processing and their time to heal from what's going on and process it as they're punishing you by not immediately showing up as the version of you that you want. So because they're not able to immediately snap out of it, then you're thinking that they're punishing you when really it's their own process. It has nothing to do with you. But you make the forgiveness process worse by expecting them to just snap out of it. So, what you can do to really help with this as the PMD partner is calm the limbic system of the brain, basically by saying, I'm not going anywhere. Take all the time that you need. When you say you're not going anywhere, take all the time that you need to process. It probably won't take as long as you think that it would. If you try to rust them through the process, it's gonna take even longer. And then you can you can say to them, you know, we're okay. Even if this feels really hard right now, like we're okay. We're okay, we're gonna be okay. It's allowing that PMDD brain to calm down. And so when we have the private sessions, we're doing the repair work of things that have been said and done that's making your partner feel unsafe and not able to forgive. So that way it doesn't feel risky every month, like, oh my gosh, are they gonna bring it up again? Are we gonna have to talk about this again? So the last one is the narrative, the story that is told in your mind when you may often think, why does everything feel so negative right now when your partner's in the Ludio phase? Why does it feel like we're always talking about something negative right now? Why is everything I'm the problem? Why is everything what I'm not doing, what I need to be doing, what I should be doing, what I could be doing, what somebody else is doing that I should. Why is it so negative right now? So let me explain to you what's actually going on. Your the PMDD brain is geared towards the negative. The brain's default when in the luteal phase is to worst case scenarios and stories, and stories that are made up in your partner's mind while they're in their luteo phase. Not necessarily stories that have happened, just stories of worst-case scenario. So that means hope temporarily disappears. Hope of the relationship getting any better disappears. All of these things are happening within your partner when they're in their luteo phase. And so what makes it work is arguing facts. Oh my goodness, this is one of the biggest mistakes that PMDB partners make, is you feel like by proving your point that you're gonna make the situation better. Stop arguing facts. This is not about facts and logic. This is about getting back on the same page because when you get into facts and logic, you get into a very competitive mode. You're getting defensive and you're feeling like I need to prove to them that that I'm right and they're wrong. And so when your partner who's suffering with PMDD, they already have PMDD brain fog, they already don't remember a lot. So it's gonna be more frustrating and irritable, irritable for them to try to remember the facts of situations. They're probably gonna start making up stuff just because you're challenging them. Well, what did you say in this? And what oh, you didn't say this and you weren't there at this time and stop arguing facts. You're not gonna win, even if you win. Because even if you win, the fact that you won is gonna cause turmoil, tension, stress in your PMDD relationship. So, do you want to be right or do you want to get back on the same page with your partner? That's a question that you have to ask. Is it more important for you to be right as the PMDD partner, or is it more important for you to get back connected so that both of you can get your needs met? When you're saying things like that's not true, that's not what really happened, you're making it worse. You're trying to get logic out of someone who is only being based off of their feelings because of their PMDD brain. The logic, the logical part of their brain is not fully online, it's not fully there. But you're trying to squeeze it out of them like a tube of toothpaste. It's not there. And it's not their fault that it's not there, but it is their responsibility to manage. So again, I'm not giving excuses. You do not have to convince your partner of any specific fact that's going on. You just have to anchor them. By anchoring them so that they feel grounded and safe again. You can say instead, I know this feels really heavy right now, but it's not the whole story. Do you have to in turn say the whole story? No. You can say, I know, I know what you're feeling right now. Feels like I'm doing this maliciously. I know you feel like I'm doing it intentionally, but I I promise you, I'm not. I promise you I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. You need to get them to a place where they're feeling safe again, where you're not the enemy, because PMDD has programmed their brain to believe that you're the enemy. And you can say, let's revisit this later on when we can both feel more clear-headed. I know that you're suffering right now, and I don't want to bring more suffering to it. So let's just talk about this when we can make things more clear. So, what I do during the PMDD pyramid private sessions is I pause all of this decision making and the meaning making that happens during the luteal phase. So that means no permanent decisions are going to be made during the luteal phase. This is one of the biggest mistakes is trying to make a permanent decision when you're temporarily suffering in PMDD. So I hope these tools have really helped you, partners. I again, I have such a heart for you. I love you so much. And I care about how you feel and you know, the emotions and the feelings and the decision and how it impacts every aspect of your life. You know, I know it impacts your work, especially. It impacts so much of what you do. And I know that you try so hard. So I'm hoping that these tools have helped you. And if you want them to be customized, then for the month of March, I have limited sessions. Make sure you click the link in the bio in the show notes. Um, and until next time, we got this.