PMDD Steals Your Joy!

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PMDD doesn’t only bring mood swings and arguments. It can quietly drain the very thing your partner first fell in love with: your joy. Dr. Rose, PMDD relationship psychotraumatologist, names the pattern so many of us get stuck in, cutting off what makes us feel alive to keep the peace, then wondering why PMDD symptoms feel even worse. When joy goes missing, suffering takes over, and the relationship can start revolving around triggers, tracking, and fear of the next luteal phase instead of connection.

We get honest about responsibility in a PMDD relationship. Your partner’s support matters, but they cannot be the foundation of your PMDD management. Expecting them to “bring back” your happiness burns them out and leaves you feeling helpless. Dr. Rose breaks down why self-regulation is essential, why it’s never okay to lash out just because you’re struggling, and how both partners can stop living under the shadow of “the worst version” of themselves.

Then we move into practical tools you can use right away: the Joy Anchor Method. You’ll learn how to identify your pre-PMDD joy, choose three non-negotiable joy anchors you do across your cycle, and build routines that refill you even when you feel exhausted. Dr. Rose shares a personal story about raves, identity, and what real partner support looks like when someone refuses to dim your light. If you want more joy, better PMDD coping skills, and a healthier relationship dynamic, press play, try the method for a month, and track the shift. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review with the joy anchor you’re choosing first.

Transcript

How PMDD Steals Joy

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to the In Love with PMDD podcast. I am your host, Dr. Rose, your PMDD relationship psychotraumatologist. I help you stop the monthly PMDD breakups. And today I want to talk to you about how PMDD steals your joy. The reason why I really wanted to talk about this topic is I've been in so many relationships where I've lost my joy, had to find my joy again, and I've gone into this cycle of trying to balance what brings me joy, meeting my partner's needs, navigating PMDD. And it became very confusing because I got into a realm of feeling like I had to choose. A lot of the times the things that brought me joy in the past weren't in alignment with my previous relationships. And so when I got into PMDD, we would have all of these fights and arguments about the things that brought me joy. So what I would do is stop doing those things. And what I recognized is when I started to abandon myself in my PMDD relationships, then all of a sudden my suffering got worse because the things that were anchoring me, the things that were grounding me, the things that were bringing me joy, the things that were reducing my suffering were all of a sudden removed from my life. And I didn't recognize why my PMDD symptoms were so much worse. And it's because I wasn't doing the things that were bringing me joy. Joy is actually the opposite of suffering. So when I began to reduce my joy by taking away those things that brought me joy, my PMDD symptoms were worse. And so I was thinking that it was the relationship. I'm like, oh, it's the relationship that's making my PMDD symptoms worse. It's my partner that's making my PMDD symptoms worse. And then one day it really hit me. I'm like, my partner is not making my PMDD symptoms worse. I am. I am making my PMDD symptoms worse because I stopped doing the things that brought me joy, which reduced my suffering in PMDD. And I want this to really land with you because what I want you to really recognize in your PMDD relationship is your partner fell in love with the joy that was in you. When you were with your partner within the beginning, when you decided to commit to be with your partner, you were happy. And so in counseling so many partners, I've heard this question like, where did that version of her go? Where did that follicular version of her go? And so what happens is every single month, your partner is experiencing you having joy in your follicular phase. And then all of a sudden, PMDD taking that joy away. I remember I had a partner that was really trying to pull it out of me. They just kept trying to figure out ways that they can do different things to make that version of me come out, make that follicular version of me come out. And I almost gave up. I almost began to think, well, I guess I just can't have any joy when I'm in PMDD. And when I gave up, I stopped doing the things that brought me joy. I thought I couldn't have it. I literally lost hope and said, I guess I'm just gonna suffer for two weeks out of the month, um, 10 days at this point. And what I recognize is it's not sustainable. It's not sustainable for your partner to be with someone who has joy for half of the month, and then PMDD steals that joy the other half of the month. So over time, your partner is gonna say, Where did the person that I fell in love with go? Where did they go? Where did that person go? Because as you go through this cyclical version of the ups and downs of PMDD every single month, there can be times where even in your follicular phase, you no longer have joy. That person that your partner fell in love with is gone because you have this anxiety about PMDD coming back again. And so you're never really enjoying your good days. I have a lot of clients that say, you know, Dr. Rose, I feel like I only have like a week at most or a couple days out of the month where I actually feel like myself. But even in those moments, I can't fully enjoy it, enjoy it because I'm having anxiety about PMDD coming. Like you're constantly checking and oh my gosh, when am I going to go into my luteal phase? And then all of your conversations with your partner become about PMDD. Everything is PMDD, everything is PMDD. I had a partner say that, like everything's a trigger, everything's PMDD. And I recognize it had become about everything about PMDD because PMDD, in my mind, was causing us to suffer with all of these arguments. And so everything came about tracking PMDD. And so what I always tell my private clients is I give you tools to manage your PMDD relationship, but your relationship is not going to be sustainable if it's

Stop Making Life All PMDD

SPEAKER_00 4:28

all about PMDD, because your partner didn't sign up to only be in a PMDD relationship. They signed up to be in a relationship with you. They signed up to be in a relationship with you that had joy. And so what I want you to do right now is to really get back to anchoring yourself and what brings you joy. And I'm going to give you the tools of what you can do because your partner may be burning themselves out, you know, with saying, I just can't make them happy anymore. And what happens is when they feel like they can't make you happy anymore, they start to lose hope in the relationship as a whole because they feel like, what's the purpose of me being here? Me being in her life is not adding joy, it's not making her happy. So when your partner sees you suffering, it causes them to suffer. They feel like they want to do something, they feel helpless because there's nothing that they can do to take the suffering off of your plate, but you can actually help them. This is when the ball is actually in our court. What do I always tell you? PMDD is not our fault, but it's our responsibility to manage. So as PMDD sufferers, it is our responsibility to manage our PMDD to the best of our ability and let the support that comes from our partners be extra. It cannot be the foundation of our PMDD management. Your partner cannot be the sole person that is supposed to be managing your PMDD. It is you. I know you didn't ask for it. I didn't ask for it either, but I have to come to terms with I am the one that is carrying this. I am the one that is carrying PMDD into this relationship. So if you got to a point where you stopped doing what makes you feel alive, and I know what this feels like, this level of self-abandonment, you stop doing it. You know, you become hyper-focused on your partner's behavior because now you're trying to make sure that everything that they're doing is contributing to you having more joy and like maybe thinking that their support is supposed to bring back the joy into your life. So you start, oh, the reason why I'm not happy, like you notice that the joy is missing. But a lot of times you can get to a point where you're blaming it on your partner, or I'm not happy because they're not doing this, I'm not happy because they're not doing that, or I would have more joy if they did more of this.

Joy Is Your Responsibility

SPEAKER_00 6:32

It is not your partner's responsibility to bring you joy. And I'm gonna repeat that. It is not your partner's responsibility to make you happy. It is your responsibility to be happy and let your partner add on to that and engage in that version of yourself. This is why I say my PMDD partner's morning routine is so important to me because I have found everything that I put in my morning routine makes me feel my best. And then I go and I engage with my partner. I do not engage with my partner until I have done my PMD partner's morning routine. Because the version of me before I do that is not going to be the version that they signed up for. It's not gonna be the version that they fell in love with, and that's not their fault. There is not, it is not their fault. If you had a version of your partner that was the worst parts of them, right? I have a lot of clients that, you know, that are partners, and some of them have PTSD, some of them have anxiety, they have depression, they have ADHD, they have, they have other things going on with them that they have to manage. And I always say you manage that version of yourself before you start interacting with your partner, because if not, they're not going to connect to that. You wouldn't sign up for the worst version of yourself. And a lot of you think that, oh, if they can't love me at my worst, then they don't deserve me at my best. I don't like that statement because it is making the pretension that you are supposed to be accepting the worst parts of your partner and that's it, and that's okay. Like your partner doesn't have to do anything, you don't have to do anything to become the best version of yourself. They're just supposed to accept the worst version of you. No, you are supposed to recognize when you are in that state, when you are in the worst version of yourself, when you were in your luteal phase. And for the partners, when you're feeling stressed out and you're feeling overwhelmed, I would never tell a partner that it's okay because they're stressed out from work to go home and yell at the partner. It's okay to yell at them because you had a hard day or you're suffering with stress and you're suffering with anxiety or you're suffering with depression. So it's okay to go verbally abuse your partner. It's okay to go physically abuse your partner. It's never okay to treat your partner differently because of the state that you are in. It is your responsibility to take a moment to have self-awareness to say, let me, let me see where I'm at right now. Check yourself. See where you're at right now, whether you're the partner that has PMDD or you're the partner that doesn't. Recognize when you're shifting into the worst version of yourself, because we all have it. It's called the shadow. We all have a version of ourselves that is not the best. It doesn't make you a bad person. If it you just need to be aware that there's another side of it. And you have to be the one to manage it. Because if you let the worst version of yourself take over, you're not gonna have any good days. You're not gonna have any good days because that version is gonna be thinking that it can do whatever it wants to do. I'm stressed and I'm overwhelmed, so I'm gonna go yell at my partner, or I'm stressed and I'm overwhelmed and I'm gonna go shut down. That's not okay. There's a level of responsibility that we have to manage ourselves even in the midst of our suffering. And I'm saying this to someone who has suffered with PMDD for over 20 years. So I because I always get this backlash if you don't know what it feels like, I do. I do. I have had every symptom in the book, and I feel like I've had them compiled on top of each other and thrown into the midst. And I've counseled hundreds and hundreds, almost thousands at this point of PMDD partners and PMDD sufferers. So I do know what it feels like, but there is a level of responsibility that we have. And I think the sooner that we recognize that and take the pressure off of our partner, and the sooner the partner recognizes that and takes the pressure off of you, the sooner you both can anchor yourself in the joy that brought you back together in the first place. The things that brought you together initially in the first place, the thing that you probably have lost hope on in this moment, the thing that you probably think that it's it's

A Rave Story About Identity

SPEAKER_00 10:14

gone. Oh, we have a we're in a PMDD relationship, so we can't have fun, so we can't connect, so we can't do these things. Yes, you can. Right now, I'm saying this because I am finally in a PMDD relationship where I haven't had to lose my joy in order to be in this relationship. I, you know, earlier in the relationship, I noticed myself I started overfunctioning and I started taking away a lot of the things that brought me joy and I started losing my identity. That was a habit that I had because I am a recovering people pleaser. So when I noticed that my partner doesn't like something, I would all of a sudden stop doing it. And it's not even a matter of, you know, the partner telling me I can't do it. So I don't want you to think that I've always had partners that said, you can't do this and you can't do things that bring you joy. No, they haven't had to actually say it. Sometimes it's just been me. I pick up on, oh, I went to do something that brought me joy, but their mood kind of shifted when they heard about it, or they got a little jealous, or they got a little insecure. So I just immediately stopped doing it. And so one of the things that brings me joy is going to raves, is going to dance festivals, it's listening to electric dance music, EDM. And I know that's like a little bit far out for a lot of people because sometimes they have to Google it. They're like, what is this? So that is something that has brought me joy for years, years, over 15 years. It's just something that has elevated my mood. And you know, PMDD is a mood disorder. So what I recognized was the more that I did things that brought me joy, like I went to the raves, I engaged with people that were in an unalignment was what brought me joy, the better my mood became. Even while I was in my luteal phase, this is not something that I only did in my follicular phase. And even when I didn't feel like I had the energy to go to these raves, because the raves are very high energy. It takes a lot out of you. I got so much energy from going to the rave. And so I remember I was in my previous relationships. And when I would go to raves, because of the nature of them, you know, it makes some people feel insecure, you know, maybe the way that people dress, maybe there's so many people, like you're so exposed, you're in this other community, and maybe your partner doesn't relate to the thing that brings you joy. So there's this level of separation that can happen. So I stopped going. And what I noticed is my mood was immediately shifted into a more negative state. My mood went down, which means I was going deeper into PMDD. So there weren't those days, even in my follicular phase, where I really had joy. I was really just existing and at a lower level than who I am. So I know what it looks like when I'm at my best. I know what it feels like when I'm at my best. And I don't wait until I get in my follicular phase to tap into that. There are things that I have to do to activate that joy back into my life. It doesn't magically come to me. I have to activate it, especially in my luteal phase, especially in PMDD. PMDD is not going to bring you joy. PMDD is going to bring you suffering. So if you want the opposite of that, you have to do things that bring that out of you. You have to tap into that, you have to activate that. So I noticed that raves was the thing for me. And so what I would do is I would um I stopped going to the rave, and then I automatically assume that my partner was the cause of me having a lack of joy. And when I say that the misery that I experienced from taking something away that brought me joy was overwhelming, I just didn't, I didn't recognize what I was doing when I was giving it up. So that's why I want to tell it to you because I wish someone would have told me, hey, don't stop going to your raves. And this is what my partner has done for me that has allowed me to not abandon myself like I would normally do. I remember we first got together and I was just like, oh my gosh, these raves are just not his vibe. They're not his thing. So I kind of leaned more into what he was doing. And then he pulled me to the side one day and he said, Hey, Rose, like I love that you like to go to raves and what we call bippity bop around. And I love that energy and I need that energy. I was attracted to you because of that energy. I don't want you to stop doing it just because it's not something that I vibe with. I want you to continue to go to your raves. I want you to continue to be in your community. I want you to continue to have that level of joy. And I literally, it's like the light bulb went off for me, where I was like, oh my gosh, I've never been with someone that has been that that has given me that level of sacrifice that's saying, even if this makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable, even though it's not my vibe, even though I know that it brings you joy, I want you to go do that. That was the level of love that I've never experienced before. I was like, oh my gosh, like this is my person because I am not having to shift my identity in order to be with this person. That was the biggest light bulb moment for me. When I always ask my clients, is this your person? I would ask, is this your person? Meaning, are they making you shift your identity and abandon yourself in order to be in the relationship? If the answer is yes, then we need to talk about that. We need to get to the root of that. We need to understand, okay, what is it that brings me joy that's causing you suffering? Because that was a situation in my past where literally the raves were causing my previous partners to suffer because they were so jealous and they were so insecure. And it's not like it was a flaw on them, because I mean, you have to be a very secure person in order to be with a raver. And I am a raver and I identify as a raver and I say that. So probably because I mean, I'm even smiling right now. Like if you're watching this, I'm even smiling right now, just thinking about it. And he said, you know, we were on a cruise recently, and he said, I love that you found your thing. Like we were talking, you know, we were at a restaurant and someone mentioned that they were going to a rave. And he was like, the way that your face lit up, the way that you smiled, the way that you engaged with that person, the way that you started talking about it, and oh my gosh, it's gonna be this, and we're gonna do that. Like the way that you lit up is the reason I fell in love with you. One of the reasons that I fell in love with you, and I never want to dim your light, and I never want to take that spark away from you. And so I want you to really think about that. P I was in PMDD at the point, at that time. So I think sometimes we think that that our joy is reserved for only our follicular phase. You can have joy and still be in PMDD. PMDD hasn't stolen it from you where you can't take it back. I am telling you, you can take your joy back, that version of you. And it doesn't have to look like a rave. It could look like crocheting, it could look like going to cafes, it could look like reading a book, it could look like um watching shows on Netflix. Like it doesn't have to look like what you think that joy needs to look like. It is whatever lights you up over time. And when you recognize that joy is no longer present in your relationship, um, that's that's your turning point, right? So I'm gonna give you the tool on what I I needed to do and what I continuously do to kind of check myself to make sure that I'm not abandoning myself and losing

The Joy Anchor Method

SPEAKER_00 17:12

my joy. And it's called the joy anchor method. The joy anchor method. Okay, so the first thing, the first step for this tool is I want you to identify your pre-PMDD joy. Ask yourself, who was I when I felt the most like myself? So for me, I love to move. That's why my morning routine has a lot of movement in it. I love to move, I love to dance. I've always loved to dance. If you ask anybody in my family, I love music and I've always loved to dance. That's just me. My daughter is the complete opposite, right? She loves to draw. She draws anime, that's her thing. We are like polar opposites. But I support her doing what brings her joy. I don't make her come and dance with me. You know, I'm dancing all around the house, I'm dancing in the living room. What brings you joy when no one is watching wave? If someone just left you on your own and said, hey, you can take the day and do whatever you want. Some of you, it's going out and going shopping and just looking at shops and looking at high-fashion things or going to get your nails done or going to the spa. Like, who are you when you're at your best? And then ask yourself, what can you do daily and or weekly that pulls that out of you? Not only when you're in your follicular phase, when you're in PMDD. I know for me, I have to listen to the music because it makes me want to dance, right? So there's a level of one action that activates the other, right? So a lot of times you may say, I don't have the energy when you're in PMDD. I don't have the energy to do what brings me joy. That I hear that so often. And what I say is, you're not going to have the energy. Like this morning, I'm in my luteal phase and I woke up and I was exhausted, did not want to do my morning routine at all. No part of me wanted to do it, but I made myself get up and do it. Not in a way of forcing myself, like I had to do it, like, oh, you got to do this, you got to do this. Get rid of the to-do list and get into the to-be list. I get to be a person that wakes up and has a morning routine that makes me feel my best. Does that mean when I first start the morning routine, I'm gonna feel my best? No. The whole purpose of it is it's like a car. When a car is going into a gas station, it's on empty, right? It's on you have to go fill it up. And so every single day, you need to be able to do something that fills you up with joy. Your car is not gonna refill itself. If you leave it in the parking lot or the garage or parked outside your house and it runs out of gas, it's not going to get gas. It's not going to get fuel until you drive it to the gas station. You pay money to fill it up. Do you recognize that there's a level of investment that is involved in your joint? There's a level of investment, meaning you pay for the fuel that goes into your car. You're investing in what is filling up your car because that car is going to take you places that you need to go. So the same thing with your joint. When you don't have joy in your luteal phase and you're in PMDD, you have to invest in what brings you joy because it's going to allow you to survive during PMDD and not take your suffering out on your partner. So I want you to just think about that. That's the first step. The next step is I want you to choose three non-negotiable joy anchors when you're in your luteal phase or any phase of your cycle. Three things that you do no matter what phase you're in, I'm going to do this. This is why I say routines are so important because it's something that your brain doesn't have to think about. If your brain cognitively thinks about, do I feel like doing this? Do I want to do this? The answer is always going to be no. You are not going to want to do it. So you're not even asking your brain, am I going to do it? I don't ask myself, do I want to do my morning routine? I, when I go to raves, I plan them out for the month. I plan them out regardless of what cycle I'm in. I am going to a rave. And my partner knows that and loves that. And I love that he loves that. I mean, that even brings me joy. It makes me feel closer to him. And that's why I want to say when you are doing things that bring you joy and your partner supporting you doing things that brings you joy, you have more joy in your relationship because you're connecting your joy with your partner. You're not feeling like my joy is over here and then my partner's over there. I have to abandon my partner in order to have joy. I have to do this activity that, you know, they may have an attitude or they may shut down, or we're not going to be closer, or we're going to be doing these separate things. No, you get to do them together. So I want you to ask yourself, what are your three non-negotiable joy anchors? For me, it is my movement. It is my movement in my morning routine. It is my spiritual grounding, my relationship with Jesus Christ, my relationship with God. It's a non negotiable. I go to church every single Sunday. I teach life groups every Wednesday for my church. That is something that I do and I connect with my daughter while I'm doing that. That is a non negotiable for me. It brings me joy to wake up in the morning and take my daughter to church and having us have these spiritual conversations and that is allowing her to grow spiritually. It makes me feel Like a better mom to be able to expose her to a spiritual relationship and then have conversations where we're talking about it and we're sharing that. So that brings me joy. And then mute like uh music. You know, I love listening to music. I have like a literally a playlist every single day for what point of the day it is. Like maybe in the and when I'm working out, I'm listening to one, you know, kind of music. Maybe my EDM, my dance music. When I'm showering and I'm getting out the shower, I'm listening to worship music because it's kind of grounding me. Um, when I'm going to work, I'm listening to high energy music. When I'm when I'm going to bed, I'm listening to soft, soothing classical music. Like I use music to anger me in different parts of my day. Those are my three non-negotiables. I don't let my day run me when I'm in PMDD. I run my day by these things that are activating all of these different moods. The music affects my mood. The spiritual grounding, the prayer, the devotion, the worship affects my mood. When I come out of myself and start praising God, it affects my mood. It puts me in a level of gratitude. It puts me in a level of I'm not doing this alone. It puts me in a level of I'm reducing my suffering by giving my cares. I could be in tears. Tears. A lot of times I am, and I'm just crying like God, take this away. Like this feels so heavy. And just being able to do that takes my suffering away and it adds to my joy because after that I feel lighter in my movement. I probably a lot of times in my lude of this never feel like doing it, but I always walk away with those natural chemicals, those endorphins, that dopamine hit that says, regardless of what happens the rest of my day, I got my workout done. So I feel really proud of myself. These are not optional. And my partner knows this. He doesn't play with my my morning routine. And I've actually added him into my morning routine, like right after I finished my movement. And today, right after I finished my movement, and I was doing my cooldown stretching, and he called on the way to work, and he's part of my morning routine connecting with him. But it is after I do my part. And this morning I'm traveling, I'm out here in San Diego for a conference that I'm teaching at. And I had to get up at four o'clock this morning, just so I could be able to do my morning routine and talk to him on his way to work. That is something that I prioritize. This is a non-negotiable that I talk to him on his way to work and a non-negotiable that I get my morning routine in. So I know you can say, I have so much going on, Dr. Rose. I have kids, I have this. I understand. I understand. But these are not optional based on how

Non-Negotiable Joy Anchors

SPEAKER_00 24:21

I feel. These are what I create for how I want to feel, which is that joy. And number three, or step three, is do them before you, like I said, do them before you engage with your partner. This is a game changer. So instead of calling your partner when you're anxious or when you're depressed or when you're hyper-vigilant or all over the place and you're angry and you're in PMDD rage and lashing out on them, go do your routine that brings you joy, that regulates you. And instead of looking for your partner to fix your mood, you would be surprised at how supportive your partner will be if you come to them after you do the thing that brings you joy. They are going to want to be more supportive. They're not going to want to be more supportive when you're being negative to them, when you're yelling at them, when you have an attitude with them, when you're shutting down on them. You cannot expect your partner to be supportive when they have unmet needs and you're being nasty to them because you're on PMDD because you're suffering. PMD is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to manage. You regulate yourself first, you reconnect with your joy, and then you engage with your partner. And then I want you to step forward. I want you to track the shift. How do I show up differently after I anchor myself and my joy? Ask yourself that question. I want you to try that. I want you to try this for the next month when you go into your luteo phase. You for whatever phase of your cycle, you can start it right now. But especially I want you to track it when you're in your luteo phase. Create a routine of things that bring you joy and say, how does my partner respond differently to me? This is not about your partner shifting and changing. This is about you. It all starts with you. So remember this. I really, really want you to remember this. Your partner didn't fall in love with your pain. They fell in love with your joy. And PMDD may challenge that, but it doesn't get to take it away from you unless you let it. Okay. So if you feel like you lost yourself in your relationship because of PMDD, you feel like PMDD has really stolen your joy. I've been there and I want to let you know it hasn't. You can have joy, you can have happiness. Even in PMDD, and I don't say this like a very like, oh, you're always going to be happy. You have to be the ones to anchor yourself in it and pull it out of you. You have to activate it. It's something that we actively have to do. Yeah, people see me on social media. If you're not following me, um, I redid my Instagram tagline. So you can follow me on Instagram. It's called Dr. Rose Vibes, V-I-B-E-S on Instagram. And I post daily, you'll see my whole routine, Dr. Rose Vibes on Instagram. And then um on TikTok, it's still Dr. Rose underscore in love with PMDD. But they see me happy and they think I'm always in my follicular base. Absolutely not. I could have come out of a moment of suffering, but I activated my joy. I activated my joy, and that's something that you can do too. And it's not just for me, it's something that you can do. It's something that I teach my private clients to do. And if you want to get on a session and we can really map out a whole plan, this is what I do for my private clients. Map out a whole PMDD joy anchoring plan. And I give you the whole tools and I write it out for you, and we we we just customize everything to your relationship, not just for you, but for your partner as well. Then go to inlove with pmd.com. But until next time, we got this. Go find what brings you joy today. We got this. I love you.