How To Call Out Your PMDD Partner Without A Fight

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The fastest way to kill intimacy is pretending you’re fine when you’re not. When we stay quiet to avoid conflict, we don’t stay “peaceful” we get resentful, guarded, and disconnected, then we explode over something that could have been handled with one honest conversation.

We unpack what “calling your partner out” actually means: naming what you don’t like, explaining why it affects you, and doing it early enough that it doesn’t turn into a blowup. I share my JBL method, Just Be Loving, so you can communicate boundaries without name-calling or attacking your partner’s character. We also talk about the other side of the skill: learning to receive feedback without spiraling into defensiveness, shame, or intrusive thoughts, especially when PMDD or the luteal phase makes everything feel sharper.

You’ll hear a simple but game-changing distinction: consider, not concede. You can take your partner’s feelings into consideration and still be your full self. We use a coaching mindset to explain why blind spots build up into “surprise” breakups, and how small tweaks in communication can change the whole relationship. We also connect calling your partner out to love languages so your effort actually lands, whether your partner needs quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, or something else.

If you want more emotional safety, better communication, and real closeness, listen through and try one conversation this week. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review with the biggest takeaway you’re practicing next.

Transcript

Why Speaking Up Matters

SPEAKER_00 0:54

Today, I want to talk to you about calling your partner out. So if you haven't been following the podcast for a while, my very first episode was called Call Your Partner Out. And what I mean by this is I want you to let your partner know the things that you do not like in your relationship. But the reason why a lot of times we don't tell our partner things that we don't like is because we feel like they're going to get mad, they're going to get upset, they're not going to receive it in a way that we mean. So we start hiding how we really feel. We start hiding what we really want. We start hiding parts of ourselves of things that we really desire. And what happens is over time, you get bitter and resentful because you're living in a relationship where you're not able to authentically be yourself. You're not able to authentically say if you do not like something. So here's what I want you to know you're not always going to like what your partner does, and that's okay. I don't want you to think that you're going to be in a relationship and everything is always going to go your way. You're always going to like every single thing that they're doing, everything single thing that they're saying. And that means that you're compatible. You are two completely different individuals that are choosing to live your life together. So our decisions, our actions, our behaviors are based off of our upbringing. They're based off of our past experiences. They're based off of our past relationships. And sometimes those things don't align with what it is that you want in that individual place. Like maybe you wouldn't make the decision that your partner's making. Maybe you wouldn't say the things that your partner's saying. But maybe you wouldn't say them or you wouldn't be that way because you have different life experiences. What I want you to do is to begin to accept your partner for who they truly are, not for who you want them to be, not who you're trying to make them be. Accept them for what they're genuinely showing you. They're genuinely showing you, I like this, I don't like this. This is why I always say that you should study your partner. You should know what are the things that they like, what is the lifestyle that they desire to live? How are they operating? You should be looking at your partner in a way of observation, not of being critical. Not, oh, they should do this and they should do that. Who are you to say what your partner should and shouldn't do? They're showing you who they are. I want you to believe them and I want you to learn to accept that. And so when you're calling your partner out, it's also causing you to not abandon yourself because you're getting to a certain point in your relationship where you're feeling safe enough to say, you chose to do this and I don't like it. And not just that I don't like it and that's it. I want you to explain the rationale behind why you don't like some of the things that they do because you're not always gonna like it. You're not gonna like every single thing that your partner does, but that doesn't mean that they need to shift and change who they are to abandon themselves in order to meet your needs and your desires of how you think that they should show up. Let your partner authentically be who they are, have their own opinion, and allow their differences to become a strength and not a burden. And the way that you do that is you don't immediately get defensive and you don't immediately get offended because your partner doesn't handle a situation the way you would handle a situation. This is what I really want you to get curious instead of getting critical. Get curious as to, okay, my partner made this decision. Why did they do this? What is the rationale behind it? Ask them to explain a little bit, babe, why did you make that decision? Not, oh, you shouldn't have made that decision or you shouldn't feel like that. Never make your partner feel like they shouldn't feel how they genuinely feel because they're gonna get bitter and resentful and start hiding parts of themselves from you because they're gonna start to think that you can't handle it. They're gonna

Accept Differences Without Self-Abandonment

SPEAKER_00 4:43

start to feel like you cannot handle the authentic version of who they are. And so they're gonna start giving you a version of them that they feel like you can handle. Okay, if if you have issues in a specific area, you have insecurities in a specific area, and you're not sharing them with your partner, you're like, oh, I can't show them this insecurity because they might use it against me or they might say that I shouldn't be insecure about that. But you are. But you are. And who are they to say how you should feel? At any given moment, you should be completely open and vulnerable and say, this is what I feel about this situation. This is what I like, this is what I would want to happen, and then the other person could do the same thing, and then you can make a decision based off of the authentic, honest opinions, thoughts, and desires of your partner. There's no right or wrong, there's no criticizing the other person for why they think the way that they think or why they do the things that they do. When there's a level of judgment, then it causes people to put up a wall and say because you're literally telling them, I can't be my true self around you. I'm not accepted. You're not accepting all the versions of me. You only like the part of me that I'm actually showing you that is clouded. It's a filtered down version, right? So if you're, for example, if you get up in the morning and you're cranky and maybe you're not a morning person, I am very, very, very, very, very much a morning person. I get up in the morning and I'm really happy and I'm really bubbly and I'm full of energy. But if I'm in a relationship with someone and they're not a morning person, they could be like, oh, that's annoying. You shouldn't be like this. Who are you to say that I shouldn't be like that? So then I start to be less bubbly in the morning, be less happy in the morning because you don't like it. When you start to change things about yourself because your partner doesn't like it, you start to abandon yourself. And then one day you wake up and it's like you don't even know who you are anymore. Because you only know that version of yourself that is the version that that your partner desires. So when you call your partner out, that means you've looked at some of the actions that they've taken and you literally can say to them, I don't agree with that. And you do it in a way where you're using my method that I want to tell you about, and it's called the JBL method. Just be loving. When you're deciding to speak honestly to your partner about things that you do not like, things that you're not aligned with, if they're going in the direction that you don't agree with, you can be honest with them and tell it to them before you blow up at them, before you yell

Get Curious Instead Of Critical

SPEAKER_00 7:23

at them and you curse at them and you, you know, you call them out of their name because you've been so used to stuffing it down until you can't stuff it down and hide it anymore. So it comes out in a way where it becomes a fight or a blow up. It doesn't have to get to that point. If you decide as soon as something doesn't align with what it is that you desire, the direction that you see the relationship going, whether it's a decision that they're making, a way that they're handling something, you can just tell them, I don't like this, and this is why. And you're doing it in a loving way. You're not calling them out of their name and saying that they're a bad person because they're making this decision. It's like, hey, I don't agree with this, and this is why. And then your partner will be more likely to accept your opinion about the actions that they're taking if you're using my method of just be loving, the JBL method. If you're my private client, you know I always tell you to use this whenever you're speaking truth into your partner. You're speaking truth to them because they have blind spots, they have things that they don't see. But a lot of times when you're in your luteal phase or your partner's in the luteal phase, you're walking on eggshells and feeling like you can't really say what you really feel. So you're saying all these other things and you're tiptoeing around how you really feel, but you're never really getting to the root of how you really feel what you really think. And what happens when you're in those situations is there's a lack of intimacy into me, I see. There's no intimacy because you're not really getting to the core of how your partner thinks. There's a lot going on in your partner's mind at all times. We have so many thoughts in our minds at all times. But if you're never sharing those thoughts, those real raw thoughts with your partner, then there's no intimacy because they don't see into you, because they don't feel safe enough to share. Hey, I don't like that you did this. I don't like the way you handled this. This doesn't resonate with me. This doesn't, this isn't a decision that I think that you should make. And here's why. Because if they if they feel like they're not gonna be respected or heard, then they're gonna shut down and stop talking to you. If there's been times in the past and you can really think about this, where your partner has said to you, I don't like this, or you shouldn't do this, and you say, Well, I'm just gonna do it anyway. And I don't care what you think, and all of these things, they're not gonna feel respected. And when someone doesn't feel respected, they start to withdraw their opinion. They start to say, What is the point of telling you how I really feel? If you're not gonna hear me, you're not gonna respect me, and you're not gonna take it into consideration. If you're in a relationship and you feel like you're just gonna do whatever you want to do without considering your partner, then why are you in a relationship? Go be single if you want to do everything on your own without considering another person. Is it it's the same thing as like not having children? If you don't have children, then you can pretty much live your life in a way that it only matters because you're the only one affected, right? As far as having to take care of someone. But when you have a child, you have to consider all of your actions and how they're gonna impact that other person because you have a parent-child relationship. When you become older and you're in an intimate relationship, you consider your partner. It doesn't mean that you have to do everything that your partner says to do or don't do everything that they say not to do. You don't have to do, you're grown. You're an adult, you can do whatever you want. But if I'm telling you I'm gonna make this decision, and then my partner says, oh, well, this is how I feel about it, and I completely dismiss how they feel about something, then what is the point of being in a relationship if you're not gonna consider the other person? Notice I said consider, not concede. Consider means I'm gonna take your feelings into consideration. It doesn't mean that I'm gonna concede and not do what it is that I want to do because of your feelings or thoughts about it. It means I'm gonna consider how this is gonna make you feel. I'm gonna consider what you just said, and then I'm gonna make my decision accordingly. I can still decide to do what it is that I originally wanted to do as long as I take time to consider your feelings, your thoughts about that. And then we come to an agreement. Okay, I understand that you feel this way, but maybe you make a decision, but I'm still going to do this. Or you decide, and again, it's your decision. Because you're feeling this way, I'm gonna make a different decision. Not because I'm denying myself, not because I'm not doing what it is that I want to do, but because I'm in a situation where I'm considering your feelings and it's enough for me to make a different decision. So, this is what I want you to understand.

The JBL Method Just Be Loving

SPEAKER_00 11:58

You do not have to be less of yourself in order to consider your partner. When your partner is calling you out in a loving way, you need to be able to take it in a way where you don't get offended, you don't feel like you're a bad person, you don't feel like you're a piece of crap because they've said that they don't like something that you're doing. Maybe they just don't like it. Maybe because their perception of what you're doing is not gonna give you the results that even you want. Have you ever thought about that? Like maybe it's a good thing that they're saying to you, maybe you should consider a different way, a different route. And instead of getting offended, maybe you say, Oh, I didn't see it that way. The whole point of being in a relationship is having a different set of eyes. It's seeing things differently. But if you're so rigid that you're only willing to see things the way that you want to see things, then you're having a single-minded vision while you're in a relationship. And what's the point of having a whole different person with different sets of ideas and visions and thoughts and things if you're not willing to take them into consideration? So when I say call your partner out, what I mean is tell them how you're really feeling in a loving way so that you never have to feel bitter and resentful because they're doing things that is really getting under your skin, that's really bothering you, that's really affecting you. Because what's gonna happen is over time, when you start holding those things in, eventually you're gonna start treating them differently because you don't like something that they're doing. And instead of addressing it and being open and honest about it, you're gonna try to deny it and you're gonna try to brush it off and say, oh, it's not that big of a deal. And a lot of times when you're trying to talk yourself out of it and say that it's not that big of a deal, it really is that big of a deal. And you're really seeing it differently for a reason. If it's coming up for you again and again and again, it's gonna start to feel heavy, it bothers you. And that's okay. So the only way that it's not gonna bother you anymore is if you call them out, if you talk to them about it and say, hey, enough is enough. And not to the point where you've been stuffing it down for so long, walking on eggshells around things that they're doing. Every single time that you see them doing it, you're getting triggered, you're getting irritated, you're getting annoyed, and they don't even know it. How many times have you gotten annoyed by something that your partner's doing and they don't even know that they're doing something wrong? And then you're treating them differently and you're wondering why there's no intimacy, you're wondering why you're arguing and fighting, because by the time you said it, you said it in such an ugly, nasty way that they weren't even in a place of receiving it. If someone calls you a piece of crap and says, Oh, I don't like that you do this and this and this, once there's name calling, no one's listening. Once you've called someone out of their name and once you've talked to them in a derogatory manner, they're not listening to what it is that you're saying because you now become the enemy. And now they're gonna stand 10 toes down on doing the thing that you don't want them to do even more. You don't get anything out of calling your partner out in an ugly, nasty way out of frustration, but you do get something out of getting your feelings out in a loving way. It's like, hey, I love you, I support you, but the way that you're handling the situation is not the best. And let me tell you why. Not telling in a sense of, oh, you need to do what I'm telling you to do, but here's a different perspective. How much more would you be willing to receive it from your partner if they said, I love you, I care about you, but here's a different perspective on the situation. This is what I'm seeing from my point of view. And really having a conversation because maybe they don't understand why you're doing a certain thing. They don't understand it. And so you can say, Oh, well, I was doing this because of this. I thought I was doing the right thing from my point of view. And then you're able to have an open dialogue and nobody's holding things in. The whole purpose of calling your partner out is to get your feelings, your thoughts, your ideas out. Do not keep them stuffed in to where you're walking on eggshells and your partner doesn't know what you're really thinking. You don't really know what your partner's thinking. So there's no level of intimacy, there's no level of closeness, there's no level of trust because you don't trust that your partner can handle how you're really thinking. They don't trust that you can handle how they're really thinking. So who are you really in a relationship with? If you're not being open and honest, if you're not calling them out when you see something, then what is the purpose? Your partner can't grow from your level of experience, your ideas, your thoughts, all of those things if you never share them with them. And if you're in a place where you do not feel safe to call your partner out, where you're like, no, no, no, Dr. Rose, you don't understand. If I tell my partner how I'm feeling, like we're gonna be fighting, we're gonna be arguing, that's because you created a level of unsafety in your relationship. And trust me, I've been there where I felt like I couldn't say anything, I couldn't do anything that was opposite of what my partner wanted because it was gonna cause a problem. It was gonna cause a fight, or oh, I can't say anything because she's in PMDD, or oh, I can't say anything because I'm in my luteal phase. So, does that mean for two weeks out of the month that you're just walking on eggshells and you're never really being the authentic version of yourself? What's gonna happen is you're gonna feel like there's certain people that I can be off my authentic version with, but not my partner. So then you start to form relationships, friendships outside of your relationship where you feel more safe with your friends or maybe it's your family members than you do with your own partner. Your partner is the person that you're supposed to be the most intimate with. Does that mean that they don't have other intimate relationships? No, but this is supposed to be one of the closest people to you. And if you don't feel like you can be open and honest with how you really feel, then that closeness, that intimacy is gonna go away. So I want you to start to develop a safe environment to call your partner out and then have a conversation about it and then move on. And you're gonna feel so much lighter, so much better. You're gonna stop walking on eggshells because you're gonna know that if I'm ever feeling like my partner is doing something that I don't really like or that doesn't make me feel good, or that really hurts me or that really bothers me, we're safe enough to have an open conversation about it because you're using my JBO method. Just be loving. So whatever it is that you're gonna say, be open, be real, be raw. I don't even care if you cuss as long as you're not calling someone out of their name, but give them those raw emotions in a way that's still loving. You're still reinforcing and validating, hey, I'm only telling you this because I love and care about you. I don't want to see you hurt. I don't want to see you going in a direction that you're not gonna want. And I'm gonna feel bad about myself

Consider Your Partner Without Conceding

SPEAKER_00 18:33

if I don't say something about it right now. So I need to say this to you because this is how I feel. And you're gonna feel that level of pressure come off of you. You're gonna sigh with relief of like, okay, now my person knows how I really feel. And when you have that level of openness and when you have that level of safety, you will be surprised at how your relationship is gonna grow, how you're gonna grow together, how you're gonna feel like, you know what, this is this is not just a person that I'm intimate with, but this is also my friend. Because wouldn't you be open and honest with your friends and say, hey, you know, I why are you doing that? Or that's stupid, or that's whatever, you know, not even calling the act itself, like not calling the person a name, but just saying the action that you're taking, that's messed up because this is this is what it possibly could happen. If you continue this situation like this, this is a possibility of how it can go wrong for you. So I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you right now, I know I have friends in my life that have done that for me. And I would feel like I would be taken, I would not have the best relationship if my partner couldn't do the same. Because why am I creating a safe environment for my friends to be open with me, but not my partner? Why is it a situation where you can vent to your friends but not your partner? You can tell your friends, be open, real and raw, and say all these things, but when it comes to your partner, you got to walk on eggshells. Does that mean that you don't have to just be loving with your partner? No. But just be able to talk to them in a way where they can receive it. And it looks different for everybody, right? So think of the last time that you've had a conversation with your partner and they've received it. What does that look like? Maybe you're calling them babe, hey babe, this is what I meant by this. However, you talk to your partner, you know how to talk to your partner when you're being loving, when you're being open, where you're showing them I'm open, I'm not defensive, I'm not getting offended, I'm not getting annoyed, I'm not getting irritated. You're creating a safe space to say, hey, whatever the conversation is, I'm open to hear it. And what I want you to do, because this may be new for you, when you're calling your partner out, when you're really talking to them, create the space for it. Ask them, hey, when is a good time for us to talk? So you're setting the atmosphere. You don't want it to be when they're rushed, you don't want it to be when they're overwhelmed. And that doesn't mean that you can't even do it in your luteal phase. I've had times when my partner has called me out of my luteal phase, and I've been in such a space where I'm prepared, okay, we're gonna have an open conversation. We're we're just gonna be loving with each other in a way that's authentic to you, right? So I'm not saying be lovey, dovey, and mushy and all these things that is not authentic to you. I'm saying when I say be loving, whatever that looks like for you. I don't care if you're joking with each other or if you're really quiet with each other and you're just creating this calm environment, whatever that looks like. Maybe you go for a walk, maybe you wake up in the morning, you have a cup of coffee together. Set the environment to call your partner out. You're setting the environment to where they feel safe, where they feel protected, where they feel loved, where they don't feel attacked. A lot of the partners that feel a little bit defensive when you're coming at them is because they feel attacked. They feel like they've been, you know, they're walking out of the door in a way that they're about to go to work. And then they're saying, oh, we need to talk about something. And then all of a sudden they don't have time to talk, but then their whole work day is ruined because now they're thinking about what it is that you need to talk about. No, no, no. You're creating an atmosphere. Maybe they're coming home from work, they've had some time to decompress, or maybe it's the weekend, and you're saying, hey, babe, is it okay? Is this a good time for us to talk? However, you want to say it in your own language. And if they say, Yeah, I'm I'm good to talk right now, and then you say, Okay, and you start the conversation with letting them know how you feel about them. That's the first step. I love you, I care about you. What is that doing? That's creating a safe space. It's telling your partner, I'm not trying to attack you, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm not trying to make you feel like a piece of crap, I'm not doing all of this. I'm just telling you, this is how I feel. I have a lot of thoughts that are going on in my mind, and I really just want, you know, I want to be open with you and let you know this is how I feel about this. And in that situation, You have no obligation to agree with every single thing that they're saying. You have no obligation to say, okay, you feel like this, so I'm going to do this. You're just listening. You're on the receiving end. So when you are calling your partner out, you're the one that's being loving and you're giving the information. The partner's job on the other end is to just receive the information. Sometimes we're so quick to defend ourselves because we don't want to feel like a bad person that we're not even listening to what it is that our partner is saying. Take the time to just listen. If you're on the receiving end, your partner's calling you out in a loving way, just receive it. Just take it. Whatever thoughts that are going on in your mind, because I know they're going to be going on of, oh, maybe they think I'm a bad person. Maybe that they didn't say that. Do not start filling in the gap of what it is that they're saying. They said, I don't like the way that you handle the situation. Not that you're a bad person. We're not attacking your character.

Build Safety To Increase Intimacy

SPEAKER_00 23:48

We're not attacking your identity. I'm just saying the way that you handle this situation is not something that I agree with, and this is why. I want you to be in a place where you're able to be so confident in who you are that you're able to take that situation and you're listening to them and you're saying, I know that I'm a good person. And I really want you to be able to tell yourself that in the middle of the conversation internally, because immediately I don't want you to get defensive and start thinking, oh, they think I'm a bad person. And you start to get into this realm of shame and guilt, and like maybe I should have done this and maybe I should have done that. This is when the PMD intrusive thoughts will come in and like, see, you are a bad person. You are uh-uh uh shut that down. I'm not a bad person. I made a decision based off of what I thought was the right decision to make, or I said the thing based off of what I thought you're doing the best that you can. How it lands is how it lands.

SPEAKER_01 24:42

If your partner is saying, Oh, I didn't receive your actions that way, I received it this way, okay. Okay, I received that.

SPEAKER_00 24:51

If you know that you don't even have the capacity to respond in that situation in a way that's not defensive, then maybe you don't respond at that time. You say you just let the let your partner know I received that. I received it, and I'm gonna really think about what you just said. Because maybe it was a lot for you. Maybe you didn't know that they even thought that something that you did was wrong or something that you did was offensive or something that you did was hurtful, maybe because it wasn't your intentions. And it's not a blaming thing. It's not saying, oh, because you said something or did something to hurt me doesn't mean that you maliciously tried to do it. Your partner could have had really good intentions for doing something, but those actions hurt you. And so when you're calling them out, you're literally saying, you know, when you did that, that hurt my feelings. Does that mean that they did it on purpose? No. Does that mean that they need to go and take it back? No, I'm just letting you know how I feel. And then let them receive that. But you don't have to get defensive as the partner and say, Well, I don't think you should feel that way because I wasn't even trying to do that, and I didn't even mean it like that. And why do you feel the way I feel the way I feel because I feel the way I feel. You do not have to explain, overexplain, or even dumb down how you feel or feel bad about how you feel. Feelings are are just emotions and they can flow, they can come, they can go. This is just how I feel. I just wanted you to know. Feelings can shift and change even by the response that your partner gives. If your partner's like, oh, you felt like that. I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean it like that. I meant this. Guess what? That negative feeling that you have could potentially go away because you realize there's no malicious intent behind it. So then all of a sudden, it's like, well, why am I mad? Why am I angry? Why am I hurt? Why do I feel rejected? Why do I feel really sensitive about this if my partner literally just said they didn't mean it? So then that removes that negative feeling. It's like, okay, so you feel relieved that you got it out, and then your partner is able to validate you and say, hey, this is what I really meant by that. I'm sorry that that hurt your feelings, but this is what I really meant. And that this is intimacy. This is an intimate conversation. You're both being open and vulnerable. You're surrendering the ego, you're surrendering the need to be right, you're surrendering the need to be the perfect partner, you're surrendering all of that. You're letting all of that go and saying, this is who I am, this is how I feel. But if you do not feel safe enough to call your partner out in a loving way, then there's a gap in your intimacy. And that's okay. But I want to tell you this so you can recognize it. So just ask yourself in this moment. When you're in your luteal phase, when your partner's in their luteal phase, are you safe enough to say how you really feel? Or are you walking on eggshells? Are you in a safe enough relationship to tell your partner I don't like this without them getting defensive, without them feeling offended, without them feeling rejected, without it turning into a fight, without it turning into an argument, without it turning into a big blow up? Are you in that place? And if you're not, that's okay. But the first step is to recognize it and say, you know what? I don't feel safe enough to tell my partner how I really feel.

SPEAKER_01 28:08

Because that's a problem that can be solved.

SPEAKER_00 28:12

It's a problem, but it can be solved. That should be a wake-up call for you that I'm not in a safe relationship because I can't be open and honest about how I'm really feeling, and my partner can only handle a watered-down version of me. So we need to work on that. There's always going to be times where you need to work on something in your relationship, and maybe work is not the appropriate word because I don't want it to be forced or all of the or seem so hard, but this is something that we have to navigate together. Whatever word feels best for you. I'm good with work because I like it, I think of it like, okay, this is the an active thing. Like we actively need to do something. This is not something that we're just mentioning and it's just brush it off. No, no, no. This is an action that we need to take in order to make ourselves better. I have a very big growth mindset. Even if I feel like I'm in the perfect relationship, I always think that there's ways that we can grow. Because when you have that growth mindset, then you understand that when your partner is calling you out, it's a good thing. It's a good thing that you're calling me out. And it's a good thing that I can call you out because that means we can grow. We can grow individually and we can grow together. But there's no growth if no one's getting called out. It's like if you have a coach, for those of you who watch sports, you have a coach. The coach is always calling the player out during the game, on the breaks of the game. Think about basketball. We'll just use basketball as an example because that's what just popped up in my mind. Right? So if you're watching a basketball game, when they have time out, that coach is calling that individual player up out about what they saw on the basketball court. Hey, you did this and this and this. We need to readjust your play so that you can do this to get the outcome that we want. We want to win the game. You want to win the game of your relationship. So you need to look at it the same way. You're not gonna watch your player as a coach go out on the field or go out on the field for football or go out on the basketball court and play the whole game without letting them know they're blind spot. If they're operating in a way that is not conducive to them winning the game, if they're not seeing something until you call that person out, they're never gonna shift and change directions in that little thing. And sometimes it's just little small tweaks. Little small things can make a really big difference. And you know this if you watch sports. If you tell the player, hey, you need to dribble the ball like this, or you need to do this, or you need to hold back on this, or you need to watch that little shift and change can cause them to win the whole game. It's the same way in your relationship. One small tweak that your partner can see that you can't necessarily see can make a big shift in your relationship.

Coaching Mindset To Prevent Breakups

SPEAKER_00 30:59

So if your partner is doing something and they don't even notice that they're doing something damaging and you don't tell them, they're gonna damage you even more. If your partner's doing something that hurts you, but you don't let them know that it hurts you, they're gonna do it even more. And then you're gonna begin to think that they're doing it on purpose because you're gonna tell yourself a story in your mind about why they did it. They did this because they don't love me. They don't care about me, they're not supportive of me, all of these things. That's what you're saying. That's not what's the truth. The truth is they could be thinking that they're doing everything right. And this is why the PM DD monthly breakups become such a surprise because it's like, I thought we were good, Dr. Rose. And then all of a sudden my partner said, I want to break up with you. There was a whole bunch of blind spots. There was a whole bunch of things that you didn't see that they saw, but they didn't feel safe enough to say it. But the only thing that they're willing to say when they've got had enough is enough, is I want to break up. Why do they want to break up? Not because of one thing. No one ever wants to break up because of one thing. It's one thing after another after another after another, month after month, week after week, day after day, of them seeing you do the same thing and them not seeing any of your actions change. None of your actions are changing because they're not calling you out. You're not being called out on what you're doing, so you're gonna do more of it. If you don't know that you're doing something wrong, just like I said with the player in the game, if they don't know they're gonna play the whole game, you're gonna lose the game. And then what's the point of telling them about it after the fact? That's the part where I say the breakup. You you're telling them after you decided to break up, now you're telling them all the things that they did wrong. Why are you telling me now? There's nothing I can go back and do and change it now. The game is over. Once you decide to break up, the game is over. So going back and telling me all the things that I did wrong, I can't do anything about it now. But if you stop me, if you if you pay, we need to go on break. Some of you in your relationship right now, you need to go on break. You need to say, hey, wait a minute, wait, we need to take a pause. We need to huddle, we need to come, and we need to say, hey, we need to have a new game plan because this is not working for me. We need to come up with a solution as to what does work for the both of us because although this is working for you, it's not working for me. And this is why. And you be in a place where you're willing to receive that. And you can say, okay, well, what does work for you? Well, this works for me. Well, I don't really like that. And then you're going to the drawing board and you're kind of, have you ever seen the coach when he's on the sideline? He has a whole play book and he's drawing. Okay, this is what we're going to do. That's how you and your partner need to be. You need to go back to the drawing board. You need to map it out. What is what will work for the both of us? Because it may be working for you, but it's not working for me, or it may be working for me. Is it working for you? Get that confirmation. Start getting that confirmation before, maybe before your partner calls you out and then say, hey, I'm thinking about doing this. Is this okay? Is this okay with you? No, it's not okay. Okay, then what would be? And let's let's work it out so that both of us are getting our needs met and we're both operating in a way that no one's feeling hurt, no one's feeling brushed over and rejected and neglected, and all of those things. Let us call each other out. Well, uh, hey, I don't like that you did this. I don't like that you did this. Okay, so what do what do we need to do? I want you to feel loved because you want the way that you really feel about your PMD partner to come across and land.

SPEAKER_01 34:17

You want them, what is the purpose of loving your partner if they never feel it? What is the point? If your partner doesn't feel loved but you love them, what is the point?

SPEAKER_00 34:30

So if your partner's doing all of these things, this is why it's so important. And I'll do a whole nother episode on this on or knowing the love languages. If you keep doing all of this acts of service and you keep doing all of these things for me, you're filling up my car, you're doing all this, and I don't call you out and say, I just want to spend time with you. You may be doing acts of service because you love me, but what I really want and what I really need is to have some quality time with you. I just want to spend time with you. I want to be around you. I want physical touch. I want to touch you. I want to be close to you. So you're calling your partner out and saying, Yes, I appreciate all of these other things that you're doing, but this is what I need right now. You're being open and honest and saying, I appreciate those things, but this is what I need right now.

Love Languages And Needs That Land

SPEAKER_00 35:18

Maybe you need words. You're doing all these actions for me, but I don't really, I haven't heard from you. I don't really know how you feel about me. This is what I need right now. This is when you're calling your partner out. You're stopping them in the middle of the game and saying, hey, hey, hey, switch your play up a little bit. Stop doing all this acts of service because it's not landing for me. I appreciate it, but it's not causing me to feel loved. And I desire to feel loved by you and I want you to feel loved by me. So when you're calling your partner out, you're letting them stop wasting their energy doing something that's not landing for you in a way that's really going to fuel you because they can be thinking that they're doing the right thing. They can genuinely be thinking like, oh, I'm doing the right thing by doing this and this and this, but it's you're not feeling it. And sometimes calling your partner out is letting them know, I don't know if you're trying to make me feel loved, but I'm not feeling it right now. And that's not even being rude. You're being loving by saying, hey, I'm not feeling loved right now. I'm not feeling cared for. I'm not feeling valued. I'm not feeling respected right now. You're calling them out. So whatever it is that you're trying to do over there, it's not working for me. So then it causes you to take that and you're not getting offended, you're not getting annoyed, you're not getting all of the, because you're not thinking, oh my God, after all I did for you. No, no, no, no, no. It doesn't matter because if the goal is to ensure that your partner feels loved, valued, respected, all of those things, then it's not about you. Who cares what you're trying to do if it's for your partner, if they're not getting it? Because it's for them. So if my partner's not calling me out and saying, hey, you need to shift what you're doing, because if you're trying to meet my needs, this is what my needs are. That's a level of calling me out. It's like, oh, okay, okay, okay. I thought I was doing the right thing over here, you know, making your dinner and taking all the trash and doing all this, but you really just want some quality, you want some quality time. You want to spend some time with me, you want to cuddle with me, you want to kiss me, you want to hug me, you want to have sex with me, all of these things. This is what you're really wanting. So why, why would I burn the midnight oil and waste my energy doing this? Can you imagine? And I've been in this situation before, but can you imagine you're up washing the dishes after cooking for them and cleaning for them? And all they want is for you to come into the bed and be intimate with them. So then by the time you come into the bed after you finish doing all that, you're exhausted and you're ready to go to sleep. And all they've been doing is waiting for you to get into the bed so that they can have some intimate time with you. But you're like, uh, you're smelling like Bleach and Fabuloso, and you're like, oh, I'm tired. And then you get annoyed with them for wanting to be intimate with you because you're tired from doing all these acts of service that they never actually needed or wanted or asked for. But because in your mind, that's maybe what you want or what you would appreciate. You're putting all your actions in that when they're really needing for you to just be close to them. So then when they're trying to be close to you, you're rejecting them. And so you end up in this cycle where nobody is getting their needs met because no one feels safe enough to really call the other person out and say, hey, I don't need that. I need this.

SPEAKER_01 38:19

And be confident and bold and loving with the JBL method enough to say, I need this.

SPEAKER_00 38:27

Are you willing to give this to me? And it really is a question. You all are grown. You can do what you want to do. If you're saying that to your partner and you're calling them out and they're not willing, okay, then there it is. But at least you've said it, at least they know. So it's not a situation where it's like, I want to break up with you because you were never intimate with me. Well, what about all the things I majored in? I didn't want that. Okay, well, now you're telling me, and now the game is over. Call your partner out in a loving way. And this is what I work with with my private clients. We do this so many times on private sessions because I'm able to get to the root of what it is that you really desire, what it is that your partner really desires, and you're able to come on this session, and maybe this is the place where you start being safe and saying, hey, this is how I really feel. What I do is I create this safe place to where you don't have to feel like it's gonna turn into a fight. You don't have to feel like it's gonna turn into an argument because it's like when we have our session with Dr. Rose, because I meet with couples on a weekly basis. When we have our session with Dr. Rose, this is what I'm gonna call my partner out on that session because that's a level of security to where I know that I can call my partner out in a safe place and it's not gonna turn into a blowup and it's not gonna turn into a fight, and we're not gonna have to walk on the eggshells. And then at the end of the session, your partner's gonna know how you really feel. You're gonna know how your partner really feels, and that intimacy is

Getting Help And Practicing Together

SPEAKER_00 39:48

just gonna continue to grow because over time you do this enough on private sessions that over time you feel safe enough to do it outside of the private sessions. Then you come back on a session and we talk about it. How was that? What worked? What didn't work? We tweak your communication styles, your love languages, all of the things that PMDD tries to steal and turn the communication into this horrible thing where you feel like during my Ludeal phase, we just can't talk about our relationship. We can't talk about our relationship at all. We can't, we can't it is unrealistic to think that you cannot talk to your partner for two weeks out of the month. That you have to walk on eggshells so much that they just are supposed to sit in a corner and exist and not say anything about how they feel, you not say anything about how you feel for two weeks out of the month. That's not sustainable. It may work for a little bit, but it's not sustainable over time. So if that is something that you know that you need help with, you need help with getting it started. Because this may be a new thing for you when you're saying, Dr. Rose, I really want my partner to know how I really feel. I really want that. I want to feel close enough to say how I really feel. And I want and I know that I'm not able to do it in a loving way because it's something I'm not used to. Every single time it comes out, it comes out as frustration, it comes out at a fight, it comes out with irritability. I want to be able to grow to a place of where I'm able to say it in a loving way, but I also feel seen, I also feel heard, and I'm being the authentic version of myself. Because when you have that confidence that you are the most authentic version of yourself, your partner is the most authentic version of themselves, then you know that everything that's going on with you is real. There's nothing like being with your partner knowing that they're doing something that they don't really want to do. You can feel that energy because you're like, oh, they're doing this, but they don't really want to do it. Okay, so what does your partner really want to do? Maybe they're scared to tell you. There's a lot of fear. Have you gone off on them before or if they've gone off on you before? There's a lot of fear about having this conversation about calling each other out because you don't want it to turn into another blow up where you guys are fighting, where you guys are arguing, where you guys are throwing things, where you guys are walking away, where you guys are even putting your hands on each other, all of these things. You're like, I want to get as far away from that as possible. But there's a way to call your partner out in a loving way because the it's not about avoiding communication in order for your relationships to feel safe. It's about being open enough to communicate in a way that you can say how you really feel, your partner can say how they really feel, and you can come together on agreements and with a level of understanding and care and love. And then you're gonna feel closer and you're gonna feel better, and then intimacy is gonna grow. You and your relationship is gonna grow, and you're gonna feel safe, whether you're in your luteal phase, your ovulation, your menstruation, your follicular phase, you're not gonna have to wait until you get into your good days to have these conversations. So if this is something that you know that you need help with, go to inlove with pmdd.com, get those counseling sessions. I'll put the link down in the show notes. But I want you to develop a habit of calling your partner out in a loving way so that you're never operating in a relationship that's based off of not being authentic, shielding yourself, abandoning yourself, showing them a filtered version. They need to know who they're really with, and you need to know who you're really with. And that level of openness only comes from calling each other out in a loving way. You got this. I love you.